A Waste Of Ink

[oily oaf]

Do you know what folks it never ceases to amaze and amuse me the way some of the intellectual juggernauts that make up the British populace are endlessly galvanised into submitting letters to newspapers which contain spurious drivel of such mind numbing banality that you have to doubt their sanity.
Take this little gem that was submitted to the "Have Your Say" section of The Sun last week.

Dear Sir
Thank God Britney Spears has dumped her useless hubby Kevin Ferdiline at last.
He was nothing more than a hanger on who was using Britney's fame and wealth for his own ends.
Let's hope she now finds someone who will love her for herself and give her the care and affection she so deserves.
Tracey
Dagenham (probably)

Thought provoking fare eh folks?

You will no doubt be utterly dismayed to learn that over the forthcoming weeks, months or even years it is my avowed intention to scour Britain's popular press for similar cerebral missives and post them in this very forum for your mutual delectation and delight.
Pleased? I thought so :)

Just for starters here's one I gleaned from Popular Caravan last evening.

Dear Fellow Road Cloggers

Aren't our British policemen wonderful
My husband Ted and I are keen participants in the local amateur dramatics society and were last night cast in the star roles of the musical Porgie and Bess which naturally required that we "black up" as negro slave types.
After the performance we decided to fore-go the removal of our make up and make our way home on foot.
As we strolled home hand in hand a police patrol car pulled up and we were dragged inside before being cautioned and charged with walking on the cracks in the pavement and having overly curly hair.
How we laughed at the sheer folly of it all at the police station as we were dragged down the cells by 2 burly officers who rolled us up in a mattress before beating us about the head and body with baseball bats for 2 hours solid.
They say that the NYPD are New York's Finest well I think they pale into insignificance when compared to the goold old British Bobby.

Yours In Traction
Mr and Mrs Ted Luxuriantpubes
Prison Hospital
Isle Of Wight

To be continued after I've had my tea.
I thought I might use up some of the leftover turkey as it happens.
Yeah that's it. A nice curry should slip down a rare treat :s kull:

[Eki]

I think it's good Britney Spears also dumped her underwear.

[ian959]

I think it's good Britney Spears also dumped her underwear.

I thought it was the other way round...

[oily oaf]

I was lying in bed with my sleeping girlfriend last night when she suddenly unleashed a thunderous fart on my leg.
When dawn broke I was unsure as to what course of action to take.
Should I inform her of her nocturnal faux pas or remain silent to spare her embarrassment?
What would other readers do in my position?

Yours faithfuly
Father Shamus Sexoffender
County Cork

(taken from last months "Alterboy Review)

[oily oaf]

As a long term sufferer from the debillitating bad breath disorder halitosis I have perfected the art of breathing out at the same time as the person I am talking to in order that they don't vomit in my face.
Do I win £5.00?

Yours truly
Heap Big Chief Lonelysack
Sioux Territory
Finland

extract from "Moose Lovers Guide" volume 20 issue 9 1958

[oily oaf]

Dear Editor
The saying goes "Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck"
Utter tosh!
I'm a bullfighter and as I stooped to pick up a penny that was thrown into the ring by a spectator I was gored very severly in the anus and subsequently died in hospital from my wounds.
That's not good luck in my book. (fume)

Yours Con Dios
Miguel Bottompincher
3rd Grave On Yer Left
Santander Crematorium
Cleethorpes

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir.

Having just watched the recent service of rembrance on television I must say that I'm amazed that we manage to win the war at all as so many of our soldiers were in wheelchairs that it must have been hellishly difficult for them to storm beach heads and dodge flying bullets let alone swoop down on the enemy suspended from parachutes.
Not only that but some of them must have been 90 if they were a day.

Yours faithfully
Major General Etherington-Cumslut
Sandhurst

[Drew]

It's almost like reading the Dail Mail for free :p :

[Ian McC]

Looks more like the letters page from Viz, do I win five pounds? :D

[Eki]

Oily, don't you have a car to fix?

[Hazell B]

Sioux Territory
Finland



I spot a faker!

What's my prize? :D

[oily oaf]

Oily, don't you have a car to fix?

Indeed I do my caribou caressing compadre but sadly my efforts in that area have been somewhat curtailed by the crass and carefree behaviour of my apprentice who thought it would be rather jolly to drop a clutch pressure plate from a Civic Type R on to my left index finger which caused a large piece of my firm young flesh to part company from the aforementioned digit (pauses to swab fresh blood from keyboard)
You will no doubt be heartened to learn however that I fully intend to return to the fray this very morn and that within a few short hours the butter fingered little bugger will be blazing nicely in the MOT pit having been doused liberally with brake cleaner and ignited with oxy/acetylene burning gear :)
Although conversely I have learned through a work colleague that he's fled the country and is now actively seeking political asylum in a staunchly Shi Ite district of Bagdad wearing an I Luv Sadddam T Shirt.

Hazell your powers of observation do you great credit my dear.
Rest assured that a crisp £5.00 postal order is already winging its way to your Yorkshire idyll :)
However I think we both know that recent cuts in rural postal services have severely curtailed the prompt delivery of mail in these areas.
But don't despair as I am quietly confident that the promised spondoolics will be nestling in your sweaty little palm before
a) The trump of doom
or
b) England win a cricket match

Don't bother with b) it's a 1/100 chance while a) is a very attractive even money shot :s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Dear etc

I just switched on the radio only to hear 1960s pop legend Manfred Mann singing
"There she was just a walkin' down the street
Singin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo"

Why oh why didn't he report this to the authorities? The woman is probably one of those "care in the community" nutters and is probably pushing someone under a tube train as we speak.

Yours Vigilantly
P Sutcliff
Ronnie Kray Wing
Broadmoor Hospital For The Crimnally Insane

[oily oaf]

Dear Mr Sutcliffe

How come you've got a radio in your "peter"?
The screws took mine away 2 years ago after I rammed the aerial in Lord Longford's earole.
Fancy a game of table tennis later?

Yours Derangedly
Charlie Bronson
Britains Most Dangerous Man
Fred West Patio Wing
Broadmoor Hospital For Dangerous Men

[oily oaf]

Dear Deadrie

I was in the public library the other day and noticed a sign on the wall which stated "There are thieves at work in this library"
Is this why I pay my taxes and national insurance? So that light fingered scum like these can be given cushy jobs in warm and cosy public buildings.
If I had my way they'd all be burned face down at birth.

Miffanwy Topless
Bangladesh

[oily oaf]

To whom it may concern

I'm sick to the back teeth with all this spam in my inbox offering penis enlargement tablets.
Surely in these enlightened times when equality of the sexes is paramount women should recieve "Tighten your quim" junk mail to redress the balance :mad:

"Slack" Brenda Wizardsleeve
Katmandu

[race aficionado]

hear! hear!

Well, I'm glad they stopped offering the pump.

So, those tablets blacken your teeth eh?

:s mokin:

[oily oaf]

hear! hear!

Well, I'm glad they stopped offering the pump.

So, those tablets blacken your teeth eh?

:s mokin:

I dunno Race :(

Ask Daniel. He's your huckleberry ;)

[Woodeye]

extract from "Moose Lovers Guide" volume 20 issue 9 1958


Oh my. Now where in the name of Rudoph did you find that piece of art? As a regular reader of the quality magazine mentioned above I surely would like to have that jewel to fulfill my collection of quality readings.

Then I would just be missing "IS Sports - I cricket really a sport - special edition" from 2004, vol.2.

[EuroTroll]

To whom it may concern

I'm sick to the back teeth with all this spam in my inbox offering penis enlargement tablets.
Surely in these enlightened times when equality of the sexes is paramount women should recieve "Tighten your quim" junk mail to redress the balance :mad:

"Slack" Brenda Wizardsleeve
Katmandu

Quim tightener, eh? Is that the same as a "Margaret Thatcher"?

(Sorry, I'm foreign. :erm: :p : )

[oily oaf]

I can't help but notice that Woody and Studiose are lowering the tone of my thread with smutty and inappropriate remarks.
Stop it at once or I'll tweak your nipples with my bolt cutters.

[EuroTroll]

Why I never! :mad: To be accused of posting a smutty and inappropriate remark - I was just asking a language question! :devil:

[Woodeye]

Stop it at once or I'll tweak your nipples with my bolt cutters.

Oh, you just promise that... :s ailor:

[Hazell B]

Quim tightener, eh? Is that the same as a "Margaret Thatcher"?

That is possibly the funniest thing I've ever misread on these forums. Cannot share what I read it as, but on my planet it was funny :laugh:



(Sorry, I'm foreign. :erm: :p : )

So's the Royal family mate, and we don't let them use it as an excuse :p :

[Drew]

Dear editor,

This country is full of foreigners, to say immigration is an invasion is not enough. They have sent crime rates rising. All of them claim to be British by birth, but these Anglo-saxon, Viking and Norman philistines make my British bloody boil, what what,

Your's Faithfully,
Prince Philip,
Buckingheim Palace,
GREAT Britain.

[oily oaf]

Dear editor,

This country is full of foreigners, to say immigration is an invasion is not enough. They have sent crime rates rising. All of them claim to be British by birth, but these Anglo-saxon, Viking and Norman philistines make my British bloody boil, what what,

Your's Faithfully,
Prince Philip,
Buckingheim Palace,
GREAT Britain.

Dear Phil The Greek

When they play The National Anthem do you sing God Save My Gracious Missus?

Arsey Lil
Polish Border

[oily oaf]

Dear Phil The Greek

I can't help but notice that we never see your Mother In Law about these days.
I would have thought that with this new initiative where the Royals are supposed to be more accessible to the public she would have made a bit more of an effort to mingle with the great unwashed (Trembles with rage)

Yours in apeplexy
Nicholas Wichell
BBC Royal Correspondent
Lurking in the bushes outside Zara Phillips khazi

[oily oaf]

Darling Phil The Bubble

Mr Wichell is spot on and while we're on the subject it wouldn't hurt that Lady Di to show her face from time to time neither. (fume)

Yours Expectantly
C Parker Bowles
2nd Stable on yer right
Uttoxeter

[Drew]

Dear Editor

I've 'ad my coat knicked, ain't I? And who hid that bloody line? Bet it was a bloody foreigner.

Your's angrily,
Oily Oaf
London Town.

[Hazell B]

C Parker Bowles
2nd Stable on yer right


Sorry, but that's yet another faker.

Ms Parker Bowles always but always has the end stable, nearest the gates.
Keeps the ruddy pikies out :dozey:

[lumikello]

:s : .... bloody foreignors. So I take closer look at things English and England. This is what I find.

Head of State.... a German (married to a Greek)

National football manager was a Swede.

Many top football league managers from outside UK

Many foreign players in football league.

National dish, imported from India.

Second favourite food imp. from Turkey (kebab)

Guinness from Ireland

Most warehouse persons from Poland

Rolls Royce owned by Volkswagen.

So, okey, England makes good rally cars :thumbsup: like Ford Mitsu and Subaru, but they`re all driven by bloody foreignors :rolleyes: and the more I research, it does not take long to bump into "foreignors" somewhere. Finally, Scotland is a Celtic nation, and Wales and Ireland are also. The Celts were the original population of the 2 islands. The English turned up at a later date.... made up of Angles and Saxons.... from northern europe!! Bloody foreignors again :s :

Mikko Aolut
Suomuurain
Utsjoki.

[Drew]

Lumikello, that's exactly my point ;)

BNP (British Nationalist Party - facists) and its followers say "immigration is an invasion" when in fact, throughout history we were invaded and carried on...

[schmenke]

...Most warehouse persons from Poland
...

I first read that as "Most whorehouse persons from Poland" :uhoh: :dozey:

P.s. you forgot Jaguar owned by Ford ;)

[RaikkonenRules]

I can't help but notice that Woody and Studiose are lowering the tone of my thread with smutty and inappropriate remarks.
Stop it at once or I'll tweak your nipples with my bolt cutters.


Oh, you just promise that... :s ailor:

Get a room you two :p :

[Ian McC]

Dear Editor

Icke was right!

I am wishing to start my own religion and want to build a church to worship the great David Icke however I feel I will not be granted planning permission, should I just build it anyway?

Yours very faithfully

The Bishop of Bath and Wells.

[Azumanga Davo]

Dear Inland Revenue,

Do you win £5?

Dave

[Hazell B]

I first read that as "Most whorehouse persons from Poland" :uhoh: :dozey:



Either is right anyhow :mark: :p :

At least we don't name chips after another country. We name only bad stuff after the French ;)

[EuroTroll]

We name only bad stuff after the French ;)

I thought it was the Dutch! :\ :p :

[Azumanga Davo]

Can we compromise on Liechtenstein? :D

[Rollo]

Dear Dot,
must dash.
Your ever loving husband,
Samuel Morse.

[oily oaf]

Dear Dot,
must dash.
Your ever loving husband,
Samuel Morse.


dot dash dot dot

dash dot dot dash dot dot :mad:
dash dash dash dot dot dash :vader:

dot dash dot dot dot dash :bomb:
dash dot de dot dash da da dot :angryfire

dot da de da da dash
dash dot da da dee dash
dot :s ailor:

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

Last evening I went to the lavatory for a tinkle whilst still listening to my personal stereo
At the very moment that I pulled out my custard rifle the theme from "Rocky" started playing through my headphones.
I had never felt so manly in my life.

Yours faithfully
Dame Ellen Macarthy
20 Sensible Shoe Street
Bearded Clam Model Village
Lesbos

[oily oaf]

Dear Intellectual Pygmies

"The boys of the NYPD choir are singing Galway Bay"

No they're not

Last week I was in New York and I spotted 6 of 'em dragging a gentleman of colour out of his motor before steaming into him with bloody great night sticks.

Gus Irontodger
British Home For The Impotent
Brewers Way
Limpshire

[Mark in Oshawa]

You are one sick individual Oaf, keep going, the world needs your madness....

[oily oaf]

You are one sick individual Oaf, keep going, the world needs your madness....

You're in love with me aren't you?

Silly, impetuous boy.

(Tosses feather boa round neck and flounces out of room)

[Mark in Oshawa]

Oaf, not love, maybe lust for your dictionary and thesaurus. You English truly facinate me....

*puts on his lumberjack jacket and woman's stockings*

[Hazell B]

It's sounding like one of those World War 2 entertainment troupes in here now :p :

[oily oaf]

Dear Old Gits

In the Rolling Stones' chart busting No1 hit of the 1960s "Jumpin' Jack Flash" Mick Jagger sings:

I was born in a cross fire hurricane
And I howled at my ma in the driving rain

I was raised by a toothless bearded hag
I was schooled with a strap right across mah back

I was drowned I was washed up and left for dead
I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled

I frowned at the crumbs of a crust of bread
I was crowned with a spike right through mah head
Yeah Yeah Yeah

Now I know the geezer lives in the kind of oppulent splendour that the rest of us can only dream about and that he's spent the last 40 odd years beating off the supermodels with a golf club but who in all honesty would deny the bloke a little happiness given the type of childhood he's endured Eh? Eh? :mad:

Yours benevolently
Donald Trump
34 Breastenhancement Plaza
Easy Street

[oily oaf]

I'm sick to the back teeth with the media criticism of football superstar David Beckham.
I've lost count of the amount of times he's been pilloried for being a bit on the thick side.
After all you don't get the New Scientist magazine giving Stephen Hawking a roasting by saying that although he's one of the worlds leading intellects his ability to whip in an accurate cross from the byline leaves much to be desired do you? :mad:

Once again it's one rule for dopy sportsman and another for wheelchair bound brainiacs (fume)

Victoria B.
Faketits Approach
Airhead Villas
Wagshire

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir
Last evening I went to the lavatory for a tinkle whist listening to my personal stereo.
At the very moment I pulled out my custard rifle Tiny Tim started singing one of his greatest hits.
I have never felt so emasculated in all my life.

Yours Droopily
Vince Vacumpump
Flaccid On Sea
Millwall

[oily oaf]

"When a man loves a women can't keep his mind on nothin' else" sang 60s soulman Percy Sledge.
Absolute rot!
Almost without exception when I'm indulging in marital intimacy with Mrs Oaf I'm thinking about the bird that lives 2 doors away and her gibbon.

[oily oaf]

Dear Deadrie

I firmly believe that one should live every day as if it's your last.
So with this in mind I have spent the last 28 years lying in bed with an oxygen mask on my face and a series of tubes coming from every orifice.

Yours faithfully
Tony Colostomy
Queen Vic Home For Incurables
Albert Square
Mitchellshire

[oily oaf]

"Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight" warbled visually impaired songster Roy Orbison.
What absolute tish tosh and folderol.
Last Saturday night I was lying in a drunken stupor outside the pub when a tramp approached with only a dog on a piece of string for company.
"Are you alright mate?" he enquired

I rest my case (trembles with pent up fury)

[oily oaf]

Irish rock legend Bono out of U2 regularly informs us that "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"
Well perhaps if he tried taking his sunglasses off while indoors he might fare a damn sight better, the Celtic tosser.
(boots cat out of window in frustration)

Yours faithfully
Mick Hucknall
315 I'd Never Have a Girlfriend If I Wasn't Famous Avenue
Gingertown

[Ian McC]

Dear sir

I wish to complain about the state of your products in high winds, they won't stay in place during high winds and I refuse to glue them to my head.

I'm off to cut myself a piece of astro turf.

Yours baldly

Bruce Forsyth

[oily oaf]

Dear sir

These whinging individuals that keep banging on about the rising cost of petrol make me sick to my stomach.
I have managed to keep inflation at bay by only putting ten quids worth in every time I go to get petrol.
The Chancellor Of The Exchequer doesn't suspect a thing. :s mokin:

Yours faithfully
Carol Vordeman
Mutton Dressed As Lamb Street
Sixtyifshesadayshire

[Rollo]

Dear the Great and Powerful BBC,

A few years ago I committed a terrible crime and was sentenced to gaol. Thanks to the fact that the properties at Her Maj's pleasure all happened to be previously full, I was sent to a mobile gaol on the set of Dr.Who with only Billie Piper as amusement.

Now that Miss Piper has either left of been fired, how else am I expected to relieve the pressure that builds up within the pipes and probes in here?

Yours inside,
3rd Dalek from the left,
A unidentified quarry in Wales

PS: I did not kiss the editor of the Radio Times, as it was too difficult from the confines of this thing.

[Ian McC]

Dear sir/madam or inbetweenie

He must be stopped!

The curse that is Oaf is out of hand and must be dealt with, his inane rambling are more than I can stand, he should be strapped to a tree and beaten with a kipper, then left there, forced to sing for his supper.

Only then we he begin to see the error of his ways.

Your in charge

The Royal formally known as Prince Phillip

[Rollo]

Dear 3rd Dalek from the left,

We have decided that imprisoning you on the set of Dr.Who with no Miss Piper for entertainment is cruel and unusual punishment, so as part of your rehabilitation into society we have decided that instead of imprisonment, some community service is in order.

We have thus decided to paint your "Dalek" red and redeploy you as a postbox.

Yours by means of the licence fee,
The Great and Powerful BBC (Big Brother Corporation)

Remember BB is watching YOU!

[jim mcglinchey]

Dear Editor,

this demonising of Muslim culture is surely getting out of hand. Now they are trying to tell us that one can create a powerful explosive out of a few household chemicals and a 1 kilo bag of chapatti flour of the type that you could buy from Mr Patels on the corner. Surely a mans tea time treat is his own business. Next they will be banning the sale of couscous!

Disgruntled of Lyme Regis.

[oily oaf]

Dear Dregs Of Humanity

Doctors and nutritionists are constantly urging us to eat at least 5 portions of fruit and veg daily in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Well last night I finished off 5 mouldy satsumas left over from Christmas and when I woke up I discovered I'd shat the bed.
What's healthy about that? (shakes with pent up fury)

[Mark in Oshawa]

Oaf, the satsumas must be consumed with that 2month old carton of Egg Nog in the Fridge to help it all go down....

[oily oaf]

Oaf, the satsumas must be consumed with that 2month old carton of Egg Nog in the Fridge to help it all go down....

I'm afraid we don't have Egg Nog in England as eggs, apart from the powdered variety, are still subject to the rationing legislation that was implemented during the 2nd World War.
Similarly I haven't seen a banana since 1939 and my wife puts gravy browning on her legs to fool her friends into thinking that she can afford nylons on the black market.
Must dash or I'll end up at the back of the queue at the butchers and if Mrs Oaf doesn't get her portion of prime English sausage at the weekend she can turn nasty :(

[schmenke]

...if Mrs Oaf doesn't get her portion of prime English sausage at the weekend she can turn nasty :(

Spare us the details of your weekly bedroom activities please Oily :mad:

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

Last Wednesday I took my stolen Toyota Land Cruiser to a seedy backstreet London garage for it's annual MOT test.
When I entered the small workshop office I was greeted by the sight of a sultry young mechanic who appeared to be a kind of Jonny Depp/Brad Pitt/Arnie Schwarzenegger hybrid sitting behind a desk with his feet up listening to Radio 4 whilst reading a hard core grumble magazine.
When I politely enquired if he could attend to my needs he told me to "Shut it" as he wanted to hear the end of The Shipping Forecast.
In due course he emerged and positioned my vehicle over the inspection pit from where I could hear a great deal of alarming banging and cursing which was interspersed with questions about what I was going to have for my dinner.
After about 25 minutes the gorgeous lummox emerged and informed me that my vehicle was a four wheeled death trap and should be scrapped forthwith.
He then said that if I were to give him "a nice drink" he would overlook my vehicular foibles and issue me with a clean bill of health.
Naturally I complied immediately and offered him a can of Diet Lilt which I took from the glove compartment.
His reaction was to punch me repeatedly in the face, call me a pi$$ taking foreign monkey and eject me quite forcibly from the workshop having first removed my money and credit cards from my wallet. He then thrust a failure notice into my hand where he had designated a bald ashtray and a bit of cheese sandwich under the nearside passenger seat as the problem areas.
My annoyance was compounded further when the next customer, a rather statuesque blond girl came on the scene and asked the by now grinning jackanapes if he would mind giving her vehicle the self same test as requested by my good self.
Imagine my annoyance when the magnificent young lunk whispered something in the girls ear before the pair of them disappeared into the gentleman's cloakroom for a full 7.5 seconds before they emerged. She clutching a brand new MOT ticket and he mopping his brow with a rather frilly open crotch handkerchief.
It seems to me that there's one rule for fit young birds with a cracking pair of bristols on 'em and another for Joe Public (splutters with scarcely concealed fury)

Yours On Foot
O. B. Laden
Kurdistan

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

"Only the lonely, know the way I feel tonight" sings sunlight sensitive, dead bloke Roy Orbison in his smash 1960s hit song.

The lying sod :mad:
Last Saturday night after a particularly savage session on the pop I toppled over a small perimeter wall and bashed my head on a dustbin causing me to momentarily lose consciousness.
When I came round a rather foul smelling vagrant with only a dog on a piece of string for company was standing over me.
"Are you alright mate?" he enquired.

I rest my case (dons quilted smoking jacket and lights cat)

Yours truly

J Goody
29 Tugboat Alley
Klu Klux Klan Wharf
Darkieshire

[oily oaf]

Dear Fiends (sp?)

I have just been informed by my boss that my company are rellocating to India in order to make lots more money.

This is wonderful news as I've always wanted to visit the sub continent and with my present salary I'll be living like an Indian Rajah.

Yours Earnestly

Donald Futileknob
Job Centre Mews
Scrap Heap

[oily oaf]

Darling Bunnykins

Last week in a bid to escape the recent British cold snap I jetted off to Venice for a few days.
Imagine my horror and disgust when I discovered that the entire city was flooded and that the poor sods that live there had to go around doing their shopping in boats while singing about ice cream :mad:

I mean to say when the same thing happened in New Orleans there was a huge outcry and the world's media were full of it for weeks on end.

It seems to me there's one rule for people who chew bubblegum and guzzle bloody great hamburgers and another for greasy, bottom pinching Eyeties.

Your Darling Cuddle Arse
Persephone Moistlips
The Cliff Richard Home For Sexual Pyschopaths
Moscow

[jim mcglinchey]

What happened to the little spate of racist stereotype jokes that we had on Friday. Have the forces of PC'ness been at work?

[jim mcglinchey]

Oh err. well hows anyone meant to keep track with all of these threads anyway?

[oily oaf]

Oh err. well hows anyone meant to keep track with all of these threads anyway?

Well I was going to mention that the non PC racist slurs were in another thread Jimbo but I didn't want to make you appear a bit thick old son ;)

[oily oaf]

Last evening a friend and I attended a wheelchair basketball tournament which was also patronised by a number of local civic dignitaries :)
At half time we both visited the gentleman's retreats to pass lager.
Imagine our disgust and outrage when we discovered that none of the toilets had been specifically modified to meet the needs of the able bodied visitor :mad:

Fortunately when we returned to the game we found ourselves positioned behind the Lord Mayor of Poplar and his lady wife.
How we laughed as we urinated copiously into their pockets.

Yours faithfully
James T Kirk
Space

[Brown, Jon Brow]

oily-

everything you post doesn't have to be a funny joke or anecdote :laugh:

[oily oaf]

Good Evening :o

With the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria now just a fond memory I should like to let you into a rather clever little money saving ruse that I stumbled upon recently :)

Instead of sporting out vast sums of money on surround sound equipment to enhance your moving, talking television machine simply watch programmes that coincide with the ambient conditions.
Foe example only watch horror films when a violent electric storm is raging outside or similarly westerns when a drug fuelled turf war is being fought by gun toting gangstas outside your house.

Your obedient serving wench

S. D. Dogg
Tierra Del Fuego

[oily oaf]

Dear Diary

Yesterday afternoon I visited my local supermarket where I placed a pound coin in the trolley release mechanism.
Imagine my horror and fury when nothing happened except that the locking tab and chain came free :mad:
Only the night before I walked passed the local amusement arcade and witnessed a number of elderly tugboats shoving pound coins into machines and who were immediately rewarded with flashing lights, whirring noises and in a few cases a cascade of spondoolics.
It seems to me there's one law for elderly grunters in support hose and furry bootees and another for the hard working taxpayer (trembles with pent up passion)

Yours Sympathetically
Brendan Tiredgroin
Job Centre
Liverpool

[oily oaf]

oily-

everything you post doesn't have to be a funny joke or anecdote :laugh:

Don't sweat it jonno I'm going to address the unstable economic plight of Bolivia under a socialist dictatorship tomorrow :s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Good evening

Whilst taking a reviving shower this morning I farted the opening bars of Abba's inaugural No 1 hit "Waterloo"

Could anyone advise me as to whether the auditions for Pop Idol have started yet.

Yours rhythmically
Dr Rowan Williams
Arsebishop Of Canterbury

[Hotbikerchic33]

I was lying in bed with my sleeping girlfriend last night when she suddenly unleashed a thunderous fart on my leg.
When dawn broke I was unsure as to what course of action to take.
Should I inform her of her nocturnal faux pas or remain silent to spare her embarrassment?
What would other readers do in my position?

Yours faithfuly
Father Shamus Sexoffender
County Cork

(taken from last months "Alterboy Review)

Keep Quite she doesnt need to know such things!!!
as i am sure you have farted many many times while in bed and she hasnt informed you of it the following morning!!! :D ;) :p

[oily oaf]

Buenas Tardes

Whenever I withdraw money from a cashpoint the on screen display informs me that "you have not been charged for this transaction" and yet when I check my bank statement I find that a tenner has been filched from my account for every ten pounds that I withdraw.

It seems to me that there's one law for ATM machines and quite another for feeble minded twunts :mad:

Yours fiscally
Gordon Brown
Chancellor of The Exchequer
11 Downing Street but digging a tunnel into next door.

[oily oaf]

Keep Quite she doesnt need to know such things!!!
as i am sure you have farted many many times while in bed and she hasnt informed you of it the following morning!!! :D ;) :p

You are partially correct in your summation as what I normally do is eat a plateful of Eucalyptus leaves before retiring so that when i unleash a crafty one my wife assumes I have been rubbing my chest with Vic :s mokin:

[Hotbikerchic33]

Buenas Tardes

Whenever I withdraw money from a cashpoint the on screen display informs me that "you have not been charged for this transaction" and yet when I check my bank statement I find that a tenner has been filched from my account for every ten pounds that I withdraw.

It seems to me that there's one law for ATM machines and quite another for feeble minded twunts :mad:

Yours fiscally
Gordon Brown
Chancellor of The Exchequer
11 Downing Street but digging a tunnel into next door.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[oily oaf]

My Darling Pop Pickers

Last evening I had occasion to place a gramophone record featuring guitar legend and retired heroin abuser Eric Clapton onto my revolving, speaking record player.
Imagine my unabated fury when I heard "Old Slowhand" make the following statement:
"I shot the sheriff but ah did not shoot no deputeeee" :mad:

Of course when he realised the error of his loose lipped ways he then tries to weedle out of it by coming out with this load of old guff:
"I shot the sheriff but I swear it was in self defence. I shot the sheriff and they say it is a capitol offence"
You're damn right it is squire and what's more you gonna fry baby :mad:

I mean to say when confronted with this sort of damming evidence even our own forum legal eagle and old lady tampering advocate Gannex would be hard pressed to get him off with a spot of community service.

Still if he does walk free I suppose it'll be yet another case of one law for people who played rhythm guitar in John Mayalls Bluesbreakers during the 60's and quite another for the ordinary pyscho cop killer in the street. (shakes with apoplectic fury and lights pipe)

Yours faithfully
Rusty Bullethole
San Quentin

[oily oaf]

Dear Deadrie

I find myself in total agreement with Mr Bullethole :mad:
Perhaps if this murderous minstrel had spent less time abusing his body with hard drugs and playing "ladies and gentlemen" with a bewildering array of bendy young babes he might have taken heed to Joe Strummer out of The Clash when he issued this salutory statement:

"Breakin' rocks in the hot sun
Ah fought the law and the law won
Ah fought the law and the law won
Ah needed mony cos ah had none
Ah fought the law and the law won"

Perhaps Mr Clapton would do well to ponder on this doom laden stanza as he's led from The Big House to the execution bay to have about a million volts zapped through his napper. :idea:

Your Most Humble Serving Wench
Pete Doherty
Round The Back Of The Prioy 'aving A crafty Spliff
Newfoundland

[oily oaf]

Dear Editor

Last week I recieved a begging letter from Oxfam stating that with just a pound of my money they could supply an entire village in Ethiopia with enough water for a week.

So why is it then that Thames Water charge me about 20 quid a month for my 3 bedroom terraced house?

No wonder their bosses drive around in flash motors and wear newish shoes :mad:

Once again it's a case of one law for people dying from dehydration in the jungle and another for mechanics.

Yours dryly
O. Oaf Esq
Repsol Towers
London E7

[oily oaf]

Darling Trailer Trash

I couldn't help but notice in my reading, published, stationary newspaper this week that there has been a tremendous public outcry because Ms Britney Spears has shaved off all her hair.

Well excuse me but I shave my own bonce every other day and not once have I been snapped in the act by the paparazzi, nor have I been photographed falling out of a nightclub with no drawers on.

Am I to understand that there's one law for slightly unhinged young songstresses with a cracking set of lungs on 'em and quite another for beetle browed, foul mouthed, semi illiterate, West Ham supporting, two fisted, drop dead gorgeous toerags? (fume fume)

(kicks cat into washing machine, sets to fast spin and lights pipe)

[Captain VXR]

Hahahahahahaha :D

[Ian McC]

Dear street corner dealer

Uncle Oily has run out of the yellow ones you so kindly supplied him with last week and has moved onto the reds which is having a nasty effect on him and he is threatening to release all the people he has locked in his basement. Can you pop round with a couple of yellows please, oh and one of those pink ones would be nice.

Yours lovingly
GG24

PS
Do you by chance have a puncture repair kit, he has ripped a hole in his Britney Spears blow up doll and is beside himself with grief.

[oily oaf]

Dear street corner dealer

Uncle Oily has run out of the yellow ones you so kindly supplied him with last week and has moved onto the reds which is having a nasty effect on him and he is threatening to release all the people he has locked in his basement. Can you pop round with a couple of yellows please, oh and one of those pink ones would be nice.

Yours lovingly
GG24

PS
Do you by chance have a puncture repair kit, he has ripped a hole in his Britney Spears blow up doll and is beside himself with grief.

You gotta love that GG24 doncha?

That crazy kid's always thinking of others.

Now who's gonna break the news to her that my inflateable pop princess is SUPPOSED to have a hole in it :rolleyes:

That reminds me I'd better get out there with me hair trimmers.

Authenticity is everything in these matters :mad:

[Eki]

You gotta love that GG24 doncha?

That crazy kid's always thinking of others.

Now who's gonna break the news to her that my inflateable pop princess is SUPPOSED to have a hole in it :rolleyes:

That reminds me I'd better get out there with me hair trimmers.

Authenticity is everything in these matters :mad:
I advice against using a razor blade, Oily O'Ink. Not with your d.t.'s.

[oily oaf]

D.T.s?????????????

Oh sorry mate, you are of course referring to my Dynamic Todger :s mokin:

[jim mcglinchey]

[
Well excuse me but I shave my own bonce every other day.

Ex boxer, ex body-builder, shaven barnett? Our image of you just becomes more and more terrifying Oily.

[oily oaf]

[
Well excuse me but I shave my own bonce every other day.

Ex boxer, ex body-builder, shaven barnett? Our image of you just becomes more and more terrifying Oily.

You don't know the half of it Jimbo :D

Didn't you see that full length smudge I uploaded of me posing happily in me mate's back garden in the old "Sexiest Forum Male" thread?

Even I had to look at it through my fingers while hiding behind the couch.

Mind you I did think it was a bit harsh of the mods to stick one of those "censored" jobbies right across me boatrace :(

(lights pipe and throws dart at picture of Pino)

[Captain VXR]

Dear Tony Blair,
I am writing to express my anger that a light aircraft dared to fly within 10 miles of my house when I was busy trying to organise a protest to shut down Castle Combe race circuit. Upon hearing a faint buzzing sound my anger rose to rage and I threw an open container of paint over the neighbour's cat and the owners are now trying to sue me. This is all of the aircraft's fault and the ignorant pilot obviously is a hooligan trying to speed up global warming. I want the pilot to be burned face down and then given an ASBO for noise pollution and contributing to global warming. My main aim in life is to stop any form of transport except walking and to stop any form of energy usage while also to stop anyone from having fun because they weren't around in the good ol' days.
Yours Moaningly
Alfred Killjoy

[Ian McC]

(lights pipe and throws dart at picture of Pino)


:s hock:

I bet he is naked in the picture, Oily you are such a rouge ;)

[oily oaf]

Darling Comrades

My anger and disgust knew no bounds today when I popped into the sales office to look at the salesmen's nice shiny shoes and overheard 2 of the secretaries giggling and laughing over an item in the newpaper detailing the plight of some poor sod in Panama whose missus cut his old chap off with a carving knife after catching him playing ladies and gentlemen with another bint :mad:

Perhaps these unfeeling haridans would have laughed on the other side of their faces if I'd gone to the body shop for some resin and puttied over their Jack and Dannys. (fume)

Alan Titchmarsh
The garden

[oily oaf]

Formula One Drivers

Avoid the prospect of serious injury this forthcoming season by asking Bernie if you can have Scalextric style cars that run in grooves in the track while you control them with a hand held device from the safety of the grandstand.

None of the excitement of the customary crocodilian procession will be lost and in the event that your car falls off the track you can recreate the authenticity of a shunt by asking a member of the crowd to smash you in the face with a cricket bat.

Wendy Unwantedhair
France

[oily oaf]

Beloved Earthlings

I was totally aghast this morning when I read an article in my stationary, inky, reading newspaper stating that a leading clergyman on the Caribbean island of Tobago had expressed some disquiet about a forthcoming concert featuring four eyed big heeled songster Elton John claiming that his appearance on the paradise isle could cause the indigenous young men to become gay.

At first I dismissed his ramblings as the homophobic raving of a dogma driven bible bashing zealot then I thought back to my own youth and the fact that my mother was forever playing records by Dusty Springfield Britain's finest ever soul singer and screaming lesbian ;)

I am now in little doubt that having my impressionable young ears subjected to these tunes has resulted in my almost insane compunction to separate young ladies from their clothing and to then do unspeakable things to their bodily particles before lighting my pipe and dozing off.

He might just have a point folks :(

Yours faithfully
George Michael
3rd cubicle on yer left
Gentleman's Retreats
Hampstead Heath

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

Last week I bought a tin of tuna from my local supermarket which bore an illustration on the side depicting the product on a plate garnished with lettuce leaves and bearing the words "serving suggestion".
Quite naturally I complied with their request only to find that I was killed instantly due to a lifelong lettuce allergy.
I hope the murderous, death dealing scum that make these flippant remarks are happy now.

Yours faithfully
John West
Princes Street
Valhalla

[oily oaf]

Dear sir

I totally agree with Mr West.
Last Wednesday I purchased a bottle of strong lager from my local off licence and after draining the contents I noticed the message "Please dispose of this bottle thoughtfully" emblazoned on the label.
So after a great deal of thought I went out into the street and smashed it over the head of a passing Arsenal supporter and am now serving 25 years to life in a hospital for the criminally insane.
So much for being an eco-warrior.

Yours faithfully
Big Albie Carlsberg
D Wing
Broadmoor

[oily oaf]

Dear sir

I share the disquiet expressed by Messrs Carlsberg and West as I too have been the unwitting victim of misleading manufacturer's directives.
2 years ago I purchased a box of cornflakes from my local coal merchant.
Imagine my fury and disgust when I opened the box only to find that the contents were not level and were listing at a 30% angle.
However my rage abated somewhat when I read a small note on the packet which stated "Contents may settle in transit"
Naturally I went straight to my local Ford dealer and bought a brand new Transit van for £12000 and placed the box inside and left it overnight.
My frustration and dismay knew no bounds when I checked in the morning only to find the same lopsided state of affairs in existence.
In my opinion the CEO of Kellogg's should be trussed up and burned...........face up!
Lying turd.

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir or Transvestite Scum

Following the catalogue of disaster outlined by your previous correspondents I feel compelled to inform you of a very similar case of crass misinformation that befell me in 1978.
As a long term sufferer from Parkinson's Disease I treated myself to a bottle of Orange and Pineapple squash which advised me to "Shake vigorously before use"
Are they taking the pi$$ or wot :mad:

Yours faithfully
Shakin' Stevens
Behind The Green Door
Popstar Graveyard

[oily oaf]

Darling Asexual Filth

Whilst I can honestly state that I feel the pain of Messrs Stevens, West et al I do feel honour bound to speak up in defence of the much maligned food and drink industry by pointing out that during President Nixon's resignation speech I purchased a well known brand of fizzy beverage from my local gentleman's outfitters upon which was emblazoned the message "Push finger into ring and pull back firmly"
Not only did it seem like the most natural thing in the world but it was also the most tender, meaningful and ultimately satisfying 3 and a half hours of my life.

Yours Wearily
Ted Analfest
Preparation H Trading Mews
12 Marmite Motorway
Newington Butts

[dyfi1]

[
Well excuse me but I shave my own bonce every other day.

Ex boxer, ex body-builder, shaven barnett? Our image of you just becomes more and more terrifying Oily.


Heh, for some time now I`ve had a picture of Al Murray in my mind whenever I read Oilys posts :D .......

[oily oaf]

Heh, for some time now I`ve had a picture of Al Murray in my mind whenever I read Oilys posts :D .......

Al Murray Pub Landlord? :eek:
You DISGUST me!
Very funny guy but come on do me a favour. He's tall, thin and speaks with a North London accent fer Chrissake!

No mate I'm far more of a Ray Winstone lookey likey. I certainly talks like wot 'e does :s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Dear Lickspittle Hyenas

I read a piece in my folding, stationary, ink spattered newspaper device today which stated that President George W Bush made a bit of a gaffe when making a speech directed at Her Majesty The Queen.
The article went on to say that he immediately made amends for his faux pas by giving The Queen a crafty wink.

Having checked the other 5 vowels available I can only state that it could have been a lot worse.

Yours faithfully
Dave Innuendo
Leighton Buzzard

[dyfi1]

Dear Lickspittle Hyenas

I read a piece in my folding, stationary, ink spattered newspaper device today which stated that President George W Bush made a bit of a gaffe when making a speech directed at Her Majesty The Queen.
The article went on to say that he immediately made amends for his faux pas by giving The Queen a crafty wink.

Having checked the other 5 vowels available I can only state that it could have been a lot worse.

Yours faithfully
Dave Innuendo
Leighton Buzzard

Apparently he also told her that he was the `black sheep` of his family... and asked which one of hers was the `black sheep`!! She didn`t reply :D (spoilt for choice?) Source? `Today` program BBC R4, Edward Sturton, `bout 7ish this morning. Spent the rest of the day smiling everytime I thought of it :)

[Eki]

Dear Lickspittle Hyenas

I read a piece in my folding, stationary, ink spattered newspaper device today which stated that President George W Bush made a bit of a gaffe when making a speech directed at Her Majesty The Queen.
The article went on to say that he immediately made amends for his faux pas by giving The Queen a crafty wink.

Having checked the other 5 vowels available I can only state that it could have been a lot worse.

Yours faithfully
Dave Innuendo
Leighton Buzzard
Wonk?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonk_%28slang%29

[oily oaf]

Wonk?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonk_%28slang%29

Close but no cigar mate.
Go on have another go.

(rubs hands with glee and bursts into song. "I predict a banning. I predict a banning")

[oily oaf]

Dear sir

The old saying goes "You can't trust anybody these days"
How right they are as only last night I broke into my next door neighbours house and stole his computer and hi fi system before laying a loaf on his bedroom carpet.

G Brown
11 Downing Street
London

[oily oaf]

Dear Porn Fans (don't try and deny it :mad: )

I wonder whether any of you will be interested to learn that I recently won £5.00 in a nationwide Giant Panda impersonating competition by punching myself hard in both eyes, guzzling huge amounts of bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with my wife.

Chi Chi Higginbotham
Leighton Buzzard

[Erki]

I wonder what is that oil that makes oily so oily. Is it maybe that stuff that bodybuilders put on their bodies before they step on the stage? (Serious question here btw(oh dear, I become more and more serious each day :) ))

[donKey jote]

Dear Porn Fans (don't try and deny it :mad: )

I wonder whether any of you will be interested to learn that I recently won £5.00 in a nationwide Giant Panda impersonating competition by punching myself hard in both eyes, guzzling huge amounts of bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with my wife.

Chi Chi Higginbotham
Leighton Buzzard

:laugh: :laugh:

[oily oaf]

I wonder what is that oil that makes oily so oily. Is it maybe that stuff that bodybuilders put on their bodies before they step on the stage? (Serious question here btw(oh dear, I become more and more serious each day :) ))

Now I'm gonna let you into a little secret here sweetcheeks but first you have to promise to keep it to yourself OK?
Good!
You see every Monday, Wednesday and Friday after my workout your mum comes round and rubs my naked body with the finest Estonian Beetroot Essence.
And hey presto she goes home happy and I get to have skin like a Californian Sealion.
The job's a good 'un :s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Darling Fascist Bullyboys

Last Friday I managed to make a successful claim for unemployment benefit by bowling up to the dole office in a Bugatti Veyron dressed in filthy overalls and a toolbelt before constantly looking at my watch and tutting loudly during the interview.

Billy Weatherforecast
Leighton Buzzard
Barbados

[oily oaf]

Beloved Infidels

Last Pancake Day I managed to liven up an extremely tedious managers meeting at work by rushing into the room and pulling the linings of my pockets out before whipping out my flaccid male member and dangling it the bosses wife's soup and exclaiming "Behold The White Eared Elephant at the watering hole"
How we all laughed.

Gus Unusualarse
Prison

[oily oaf]

Darling Estate Agents

Words alone cannot express my fury and disappointment when I picked up my folding, papyrus based, lying newspaper machine yesterday and spotted an ad for "Cheap holiday homes in Spain" :mad:

It's small wonder then that young British would be first time buyers are sleeping in shop doorways with dogs on string, guzzling strong grog and urinating over pensioner's shopping buggies when half of our newly built homes are off carousing on the Spanish Costas till all hours.

I've also lost count of the number of Polish plumbers that have told me tearfully that they have been reduced to living in 12 bedroom mansions in St John's Wood with only ONE swimming pool at their disposal due to the thoughtless shenanigans of Britain's real estate.

I have actually witnessed for myself what goes on when young residential edifices hit the fleshpots of southern Iberia.
I'll never forget the night when I went out for a leisurely passeo in the upmarket, exclusive town of Benidorm only to on look on aghast as a clearly out of control group of teenage bungalows cavorted naked around the pool area some of them swigging from bottles of "Brickfade" a powerful, mind altering cocktail of central heating oil, drain cleaner and Windowlene.
Even after I retired for the night I could still hear them noisily flushing their toilets and ringing their doorbells until the early hours.

Then of course there's the dreadful aftermath of this hedonistic behaviour.
I recently learned of an underage semi detached end of terrace maisonette who gave birth to twin garden sheds after returning to this country to have her back passage sandblasted :(
Fortunately both house and outbuildings are doing well and are currently housing an itinerant family of Latvian gippos in Leighton Buzzard :)

So what can be done to remedy this outrage my friends?
Well for a start they can round up all those greasy, mustachioed Spanish property developers and burn them.........face down............in an Andalucian bodega :batman:

Yours faithfully
Garth Moneyshot
69 Grumblemag Approach
Falkland Islands
Britain

[Spoonbender]

Dear Sir.

I would like to bring to your attention, a travesty of jutice in the false advertising department. I tuned in to the butch TV channel Bravo in order to watch a fly-on-the-wall documentry called "Dog the Bounty Hunter". To my dissmay there was no cannine activity at all, just an odd looking fellow with long blonde hair going by the name of Gerald I think?
Programme makers should be held accountable, after all I will never get that half hour back.

Many Thanks
Dr. David Pubis-Plectrum
108 Judge Judy Crescent
Spankbottom
Knobhamptonshire
TW4 T5

[oily oaf]

Mick Hucknall the tragically haired frontman of 90s beat combo Simply Red once sang "Money's too tight to mention" he then went on to add "Don't even qualify for a pension"

I notice that he is currently residing overseas and may therefore still be able to maintain his entitlement for a British Retirement Pension by paying voluntary Class 3 National Insurance contributions during his absence or in the case of EC countries by participating in a reciprocal scheme in his country of residence
For more information he should pick up leaflet N148 which outlines the National Insurance position for Britons living abroad.
This can be obtained by writing to DSS Overseas Branch Central Office Newcastle upon Tyne NE99.

Madge Beaver
Cockermouth

[oily oaf]

Dear Mrs Beaver

Ta very much love. I shall indeed be writing to the Dept of Social Security as soon as I get up tomorrow afternoon.
By the way the reason I manage to pull all those fit birds has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a famous singer or that I'm absolutely minted. Oh dear me no! I'd be beating 'em off with a $hitty stick even if I was a humble bog attendant.

PS I suppose a quick shag's out of the question?

[GRAVETT]

i saw a mouse !!! 'where!? you say ? there on the stair.... RIGHT THERE !!!! A little mouse with clogs on !!!! well i declare, going clip clippity clop on the stair!!!!

a true story that happened not so long ago last next week, when i was young and you were even younger !!

[Spoonbender]

i saw a mouse !!! 'where!? you say ? there on the stair.... RIGHT THERE !!!! A little mouse with clogs on !!!! well i declare, going clip clippity clop on the stair!!!!

a true story that happened not so long ago last next week, when i was young and you were even younger !!

This for me is a recurring true story. In the early hours of every Saturday morning, after I've been out with my friend Carling. Sometimes that little mouse is going clip clippity clop on my head, with those bloody clogs on

yours faithfuly

Mr and Mrs Lovejoy
42 Tubes lane
Fenners
Sheephead-shire

[donKey jote]

i saw a mouse !!! 'where!? you say ? there on the stair.... RIGHT THERE !!!! A little mouse with clogs on !!!! well i declare, going clip clippity clop on the stair!!!!

a true story that happened not so long ago last next week, when i was young and you were even younger !!

Last time I heard that record was about 37 years ago :laugh:

[GRAVETT]

this pesky mouse gets about it seems. there have been news reports of a clip clippity clopping mouse terrorising small mountain villages. if this mouse is seen please do not attempt any form of contact, he is violent and extremely unpredictable. only last week a small shrew was vicously attacked by this mouse in a unprovoked museli incident

[oily oaf]

Dear Diamond Geezers and Right Tasty Sorts Wot Don't Live In London Except That BDunell Oo Makes Over A Monkey A Week Knocking Aht Moody Shmutter From The Back Of 'Is Jamjar In Roman Road.

The other week the ball valve in my loft cistern became faulty so I called in one of those Polish plumber chappies to effect a repair :)
After he'd finished I weighed him out the £2.55p upon which we'd agreed.. As I handed over the dosh I couldn't help but notice that he'd got extremely dirty whilst crawling around in my loft space :(
In an almost superhuman gesture of European Union comradeship and largesse I took him into the backyard and hosed him down liberally with cold water before scrubbing him clean with the downstairs bog brush.
Imagine my disappointment and frustration when the following morning I was arrested by Special Branch officers and carted off to the European Court in The Hague where I was tried, convicted and hung for taking part in ethnic cleansing.

Still mustn't grumble.
Chinese Tony Milosovich
Valhalla.

Now here this!
Ladies! There will be a knicker elastic tensile strength check and gratuitous bra strap snapping drill in the Chief Mechanic's Mess at 05.30 hours.
Attendance is mandatory. REPEAT MANDATORY :mad:

[SOD]

:laugh: :laugh: x 1,000

[oily oaf]

Desperate gentlemen.
Recreate the erotic delights of a sordid peepshow by going down the beach and staring at bikini clad crackling whilst wearing a burka.

Judge Nigel Pussmonster
Prison

[oily oaf]

The other day whilst cleaning out the back of my fridge for the first time in months I discovered a carton of "Fresh Full Cream Milk". After guzzling it's contents I spent the next 3 days sitting on the chodbin and vomitting into the sick bowl.
Fresh my arse! :mad:

Arsebishop Desmond Tutu
Oshawa

[oily oaf]

I noticed to my annoyance that when the late Iraqi dictator Sadaam Hussein was taken captive he was immediately given a full dental checkup.
Well I've been paying National Insurance contributions for donkey's years and I can't find a National Health dentist for love nor money.
Perhaps I should invite a few Kurds round for a jolly up before sealing all the doors and windows and turning the gas on full blast.
It strikes me there's one rule for murderous, deranged, omnipotent despots and quite another for oil encrusted filthy scum.

O Oaf
Welfare State Scrapheap.

[schmenke]

Dear Diamond Geezers and Right Tasty Sorts Wot Don't Live In London Except That BDunell Oo Makes Over A Monkey A Week Knocking Aht Moody Shmutter From The Back Of 'Is Jamjar In Roman Road.

The other week the ball valve in my loft cistern became faulty so I called in one of those Polish plumber chappies to effect a repair :)
After he'd finished I weighed him out the £2.55p upon which we'd agreed.. As I handed over the dosh I couldn't help but notice that he'd got extremely dirty whilst crawling around in my loft space :(
In an almost superhuman gesture of European Union comradeship and largesse I took him into the backyard and hosed him down liberally with cold water before scrubbing him clean with the downstairs bog brush....

Um, so the neighbours don't mind you bearing your Pole in plain view like that Oily? :erm:

[Eki]

Oi, Oily O'Ink. You seem to have especially many grievances today.

[oily oaf]

Oi, Oily O'Ink. You seem to have especially many grievances today.

Worrisome isn't it? :s anta:

Schmenkey. Try to keep the smutty innuendos down a bit sheriff.
There's impressionable youngsters and people from Finland that read this stuff ya know :monkee:

[oily oaf]

My Darling Sgt Major Tomkinson

I discovered last evening that by placing a number of pond accessories and a few fish in the bath and then diving beneath the water and strangling myself with an old fanbelt I can faithfully recreate the scene from "Seahunt" where Lloyd Bridges got his foot stuck in the jaws of a Giant Clam whilst being half strangled to death by a bloody great octupus.

All My Love Always
Air Commodore Alfie Wristjob
RAF Brize Norton

[Eki]

Worrisome isn't it? :s anta:

t'is, innit.

[Woodeye]

and people from Finland that read this stuff ya know :monkee:

Oh, you mean the Eskimos?

[oily oaf]

I picked up my folding, reading, mobile newspaper device this morning and was somewhat surprised to read that due to the new bi-weekly rubbish collecting scheme which has been implemented in some parts of the UK there has been a sharp increase in fly tipping.
Now I'm not a tight fisted man but can somebody please tell me exactly what these frankly irritating beasties have done to deserve a tip?
"Oh thanks for continually bashing into my tv screen while I'm trying to wach "Seahunt" mate. Here's a fiver for a good drink-up.
Personally I prefer to lure them into my kitchen by leaving the lid off the jam jar and then screwing it back on again before laughing and pointing while they die slowly from asphyxiation.

Your Humble Servant
David Attenborough
The Jungle

[race aficionado]

Dear whomever.

Why is it that I have to wait all week to see what Oily always says on Friday nights when he actually doesn't allways say what he says on Friday nights?

Needs Togetalife
NYC

[oily oaf]

Dear Imperialist jackels

I went to see right wing comedian and all round nasty git Jim Davidson last night.
To my surprise I found that after an hour my side was splitting.
I was stabbed during the intermission.

Regards
Isiah Hitler
Bunker
East Germany.

[oily oaf]

Dear Leftist Hyenas
Mr Hitler can count himself lucky.
I remained relatively unscathed during half time and was forced to endure another 45 minutes of Davidson's puerile bunny.
Your Humble Dictator
Bernie Stalin
Bernard Manning Mausoleum
Moscow.

[oily oaf]

Beloved Infidel Trash

Why is it that people who constantly bang on about bringing back hanging are the self same individuals who state that "Hanging's too good for 'em"?
Come on right wing toerags. Make your mind up.
All The Best
Dave Analfest
Finland

[oily oaf]

Adorable Commie Scum

I came home from work early the other day and thought I'd seen a ghost when I noticed the spectral form of a woman suspended a foot above the carpet moving eerily back and forth.
How I laughed when I realised it was simply the deceased body of my wife who had hanged herself from the ceiling that morning and that I'd forgotten to cut her down.

Wilbur Pronouncedgusset
Leighton Buzzard
Oshawa

[Eki]

Beloved Infidel Trash

Why is it that people who constantly bang on about bringing back hanging are the self same individuals who state that "Hanging's too good for 'em"?
Come on right wing toerags. Make your mind up.
All The Best
Dave Analfest
Finland
Burning 'em face down is way more humane than hanging 'em.

[oily oaf]

Burning 'em face down is way more humane than hanging 'em.

CORRECT! During the summer of 1970 I forgot to bring my athletic vest to school for a cross country run.
As a result the games master burned me face down on the football pitch every day for a month and I think I can honestly state that it made me the man I am today.

Bjorn Smegma III
Cardboard City
Rio De Janeiro

[oily oaf]

Dear Cross Dressing Filth

Yesterday I managed to convince myself that I'm very small by climbing a tree and imagining it was a Japanese Bonsai whilst eating a Kingsize Mars Bar.
Beat that! The five pounds prize is as good as mine I think :mad:

Fondest Regards
Staff Sergeant Madge Ejaculate
Guantanamo Bay

[race aficionado]

Dear mama Oaf.
What on earth did you feed that son of yours,
and what methods did you use to ensure
that he didn't burn you all face down
after you returned from daily church services?

Monsignor Fond Ler
Somewhere
Canterbury

[oily oaf]

Dear mama Oaf.
What on earth did you feed that son of yours,
and what methods did you use to ensure
that he didn't burn you all face down
after you returned from daily church services?

Monsignor Fond Ler
Somewhere
Canterbury

Dear Mr Race
He was weaned on a nourishing diet of Oatabix soaked in auto transmission fluid and combined with firm encouragement to emmerse himself in classic literature has turned into the healthy, well rounded adult that we all know and love.
Here's a little piccie of my Oilykins taken shortly after a family burning during which he incinerated his Uncle Reg..................sideways.

[LotusElise]

Dear Sirs,
As a reader of your esteemed publication, I have one question:

Is it ever acceptable to burn somebody face up?

Charlie Hoover (Viscount),
Lotus Manor
Countrysideshire

[oily oaf]

Dear Sirs,
As a reader of your esteemed publication, I have one question:

Is it ever acceptable to burn somebody face up?

Charlie Hoover (Viscount),
Lotus Manor
Countrysideshire

Dear Ms Hairdresser's Car.

A face-up burning although a trifle unorthodox is permissable in some extreme cases. You will however need to procure the services of an Equal Opportunities Burner.
I hope this helps.
No don't thank me.

[Ian McC]

Dear Sir

I read with some interest the story of the Scottish lady that had won a large sum of money on the lottery, I believe it was in the region of 35 million, which is certainly a tidy some indeed.

However, and the reason I write this, is to cast a shadow on this moment of joy for her, from my own recent experience I feel I need to warn her that it is a heavy burden to carry having such a sum. I myself had a similar amount and it brought me nothing but worry and strife.

So, I suggest to her she may want to give it back, before she spends it and then finds herself in the despair that I have sunk into.

Yours despondently

M Jol
North London

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

I read with some interest the story of the Scottish lady that had won a large sum of money on the lottery, I believe it was in the region of 35 million, which is certainly a tidy some indeed.

However, and the reason I write this, is to cast a shadow on this moment of joy for her, from my own recent experience I feel I need to warn her that it is a heavy burden to carry having such a sum. I myself had a similar amount and it brought me nothing but worry and strife.

So, I suggest to her she may want to give it back, before she spends it and then finds herself in the despair that I have sunk into.

Yours despondently

M Jol
North London


Tee hee titter
Ag ag ag ag ag ag
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

Yours With A Big Red Nose
A. Wenger
North London.

Do you realise that foreign people and those who don't like football with the honourable exceptions of Storm and Pino won't have a clue what we're on about :D

[oily oaf]

Dear Cannon Fodder

Today is a Bank Holiday in England so imagine my disgust and fury when I drove down to Southend this morning only to discover that the entire beach was full of large brickbuilt buildings lolling about on the sand, guzzling ice creams and rubbing sun oil into each others chimneys.
And as for that branch of Barclay's lying next to the pier, she's waaaaaay too old to get away with a bikini :mad:

Gertrude Lloyds Of London
Oshawa

[Eki]

Dear Cannon Fodder

Today is a Bank Holiday in England so imagine my disgust and fury when I drove down to Southend this morning only to discover that the entire beach was full of large brickbuilt buildings lolling about on the sand, guzzling ice creams and rubbing sun oil into each others chimneys.
And as for that branch of Barclay's lying next to the pier, she's waaaaaay too old to get away with a bikini :mad:

Gertrude Lloyds Of London
Oshawa
Oh, Oily O'Ink, you've taken oshawa?

[oily oaf]

Oh, Oily O'Ink, you've taken oshawa?

Yes but I gave it back. The entire place was full of overweight truckers with tiny gearsticks :(

[Mark in Oshawa]

Oaf....you are too much...and I want to know how you saw me in the shower this AM....you must have spies....

[LotusElise]

Dear Mr Oaf,

It has come to my attention that you do not appear to have paid for the spy camera that I sold you in April. If you are not able to pay the agreed sum immediately, then I will give you one opportunity to send the camera back. It is, after all, very useful.

Yours,

Charlie Hoover (Viscount)

The Hoover Estate,
Countrysideshire

[Rollo]

Dear Forums,

It has come to my attention that several of the letters posted here are not written by real people and are little more than an attempt at cheap laughs.

Yours Sincerely,
Brigadier Arthur Titswobble (Mrs.)

PS: I did not kiss the editor of the Radio Times.

[schmenke]

Dear Mrs. Titswobble,

Allegations of identify falsification are a serious matter and must be presented with documented evidence. As a forum member in good standing ( * cough * ) I take objection to your claims of such misrepresentation.

I happen to know for a fact that a Mark with a small, albeit well-worn, gear knob does indeed ply the carriageways in Oshawa; and that a greasy boor is known to come to the assistance of lasses in distress in East London with his large well-lubricated spanner.

Cheap laughs are reserved for Fridays :mad:

Should future character references be required do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Averly Fussmucker
Beefeater Towers
Cowtown, Westernshire

[oily oaf]

Dear Mr Oaf,

It has come to my attention that you do not appear to have paid for the spy camera that I sold you in April. If you are not able to pay the agreed sum immediately, then I will give you one opportunity to send the camera back. It is, after all, very useful.

Yours,

Charlie Hoover (Viscount)

The Hoover Estate,
Countrysideshire

Dear Chinless Upper Class Berk

I'm afraid the individual you seek is no longer at this address and nowadays can be reached by knocking violently on a small but bijou two up two down cardboard box underneath the arches at West India Docks.

Yours Triumphantly
Madge Oaf (Mrs)
69 Repsol Towers
With A Toned Young Fitness Instructor From Dog Island
London E2

[race aficionado]

To whomever is in charge of the calendar in this joint.

Dear whomever you are.
What day of the week are we actually in?
I unfortunately am addicted to this http://
and count on a certain thread to remind me
that it is actually friday.
Latelly I have missed dental appointments
and it totally screwed up my monthly rectal exam.
this is serious stuff.
I am going down, way down.
:mad:

please help.

sincerely.
Doesn't have a Clue
NYC

[oily oaf]

I was shocked to the core the other day when I read that my alcohol intake far exceeds the guidelines stipulated by the Dept Of Health and decided at once to do something about it.
To this end I have drawn up my own set of guidelines and am now comfortably within the prescribed limits.
Yours etc
That Bloke Who's Knocking About With Amy Winehouse
29 Easy Street
Gutter

[oily oaf]

Dear Humanoids

I have managed to save an absolute fortune on Viagra by merely telling my wife that she's a hideous old tugboat and that I wouldn't touch her with someone else's.

Mervin Penile-Ring
Shed

[oily oaf]

Old people. Stay warm and snug this winter by simply watching a video of George W Bush giving a speech to the American people.
As he stumbles over long words, furrows his brow and drones on endlessly about "The War On Terrrrrrrrrrrr" you will glow hot from head to toe with embarrasment.

T Blair
Political Valhalla

Next week:
How to bring a mug of cold water to the boil by inserting a finger and listening to Neil Kinnock at The Labour Party Conference.
"Alright comrades. I say ALRIGHT!"

[oily oaf]

How happy Andy Williams sounds as he trills "The boys watch the girls while the girls watch the boys who watch the girls go by"
It's a pity the Social Services didn't adopt a similar carefree attitude when they barred me from standing outside the school gates.
It strikes me there's one law for smarmy, Yank balladeers and quite another for vile sex pests.

[jim mcglinchey]

" ..if you were a piece of wood, I'd nail you to the floor.." sings sultry, ex-soviet ( by way of Belfast ) chanteuse Ms Katie Melua in her new smash hit.

Hasnt anyone explained to the girl the sordid sexual connotations of this seemingly innocent lyric, or am I just warped?

Hugh "bring on the nubiles, bring em on.." Cornwall
Guilford

[oily oaf]

I arrived home from work last evening and discovered my wife already in bed and a large naked West Indian chappie hiding in the airing cupboard.
Should I be worried?

Teddy Needledick
Cuckoldshire

[oily oaf]

Dear Boombaclaaaaat

What the raaaaas you worryin' bout mon?
Dis kinda ting 'appen all de time yer know.
Now get back to your pussyclaaat yard before I gi' you some heavy licks and mash up yer claaaaaaaaaaaat.
Tchoh!

Leroy Hunglikeababysarm
Airing cupboard

[oily oaf]

Dear Crimebusters

I have noticed that kidnappers always show footage of their victims holding up a copy of that days paper to prove that they haven't been killed yet.
With this in mind why not simply round up all the newagents and hang them outside their shops and by so doing starve these criminal thugs of the oxygen of publicity.

Yours etc
Mrs M Thatcher
Gordon Browns Wardrobe
10 Downing Street.

[oily oaf]

Formula One Fans
Recreate the excitement of competing yourself at the pinnacle of motorsport by attaching large weights to your ears before following the car in front for an hour and a half.
For added authenticity take a photo of your next door neighbour's Peugot 306 lower suspension arm before offering to sell it to Volkswagen for 20 million big ones.

Sven Goran Erikkson
Manchester

[Eki]

Dear Mrs Thatcher,

Your £5 reward is in the mail. We'll thank you later.

General G Estapo, Chief Commander of the War Against Callous Kidnappers (WACK)
Unter den Linden, Berlin

[oily oaf]

Fair enough General just don't put the money on the table behind me cos "The lady's NOT for turning" (fume)
(lights cat and strokes pipe lovingly)

[oily oaf]

Unlike Mr Erikson I've always fancied going in to the executive and administrative side of F1 so I sawed my legs off at the knees, got my mum to cut my hair using a pudding basin and garden shears before marrying some lanky tart who makes me look like a speccy little twunt every time we're seen in public.

Arsebishop Makarios of Greece
Greece

[NoahsGirl]

Dear People Magazine

There is a moose loose aboot this hoose. Please remove it.

Yours
The Unspecial One
3 Cardboard Box
Nr Stamford Bridge
London Village

[oily oaf]

Now then young lady, I happen to know that Jose is your dream man and that you love him in a way that Noah could only dream of and that you would like to see him with no trousers on so that you could look at his bodily particles. FACTAMUNDO!

BTW love, I've been to the toilet twice this morning and both times I did "Big Jobs"
Should I be worried? :(

[oily oaf]

When I visited my local library yesterday I was disgusted to read a notice stating that "There's a thief at work in this library"
Why should I contribute my hard earned taxes in order to keep scum like this in employment?

Simon Rampantwood
29 Pussywhipped Villas
Cockermouth

[oily oaf]

"When a man loves a woman can't keep his mind on nothin' else" sang 70s crooner Percy Sledge.
Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with him as whenever I have sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about the bird over the road dressed in 1950s ladies directoire knickers whilst smiling coquettishly at a jar of axle grease.

Ned Trouserbulge
Woolwich Arsenal

[oily oaf]

"The touch of your hand means you'll catch me whenever I fall" warbles Irish crooner and prize twunt Ronan Keating in some dire whining dirge or other.
Cobblers!
Last week my missus touched me with her hand as she pushed me from the roof of a car park in Hackney Wick and I was killed instantly.
Get it right Shamus FFS :mad:

"Irish" Mick Goldstein
Jews Cemetary
Oshawa Buzzard

[oily oaf]

Swedish beat combo ABBA once stated quite categorically
"My my at Waterloo Napolean did surrender
Oh Yeah and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way"
The lying Scandanavian sods!
Do they honestly expect me to believe that all four of 'em were hideously butchered by Anglo/Allied and Prussian troops in a muddy Belgian field in 1815?
Do me a favour for Gawd's sake :mad:

A J P Taylor
British Museum
Porno Dept
London

[oily oaf]

In a desperate bid to boost my flagging sex life I forked out over a tenner for one of those "Non Doctor" vibrators.
Imagine my fury and dismay when I held it up to my face for over 7 hours as depicted by the smug looking bint on the box and didn't blow my cocoa once.

Yours
John Simpson BBC
Middle East Trouble Spot
Scotland

[jim mcglinchey]

"..Im forever blowing Bubbles.." sing 80s string quartet, punk-meisters and West Ham fans The Cockney Rejects.

Is it right and proper, I ask you, that in this age of increased awareness of animals rights, that there are some supposed tasty geezers who glorify, in song, their beastly oral indulgences with celebrity simians.

Yours etc....

[oily oaf]

"..Im forever blowing Bubbles.." sing 80s string quartet, punk-meisters and West Ham fans The Cockney Rejects.

Is it right and proper, I ask you, that in this age of increased awareness of animals rights, that there are some supposed tasty geezers who glorify, in song, their beastly oral indulgences with celebrity simians.

Yours etc....

Very good Jim, and even better that you're familiar with the mighty work of The Cockney Rejects. :eek:
You're not a London Irish supporter by any chance? ;)

[jim mcglinchey]

Are you trying to set me up for a cutting jibe Oily? Nah, I spent enough time in the drinkerys on Cricklewood Broadway way back, but I never got into that scene.

[oily oaf]

I could barely contain my rage last evening when I switched on the singing radio only to hear rubber-lipped songster and quite thin bloke Mick Jagger bawling out:

Mmmmm well the storm is threatnin' mah very life today
If ah don't git some shelter
Oh yeah ah'm gonna fade away.

Palpable drivel! :mad: Only last week I went out in a storm in Poplar and the worst thing that happened was that I got a bit wet and the cheeks of my arse began squeaking when I walked.
Admittedly I was struck by a lightning bolt and killed instantly as I clung doggedly to a lamp post outside the tube station but it's not exactly "fading away" is it? (fume)

Come on ageing rock gods keep it real for Gawds sake!

Roger Daltry
Trout Farm
Carrot Cruncher Industrial Complex
The Country.

PS. NOW GET ORRRFA MOI LAAAAAAAAAAND (Blam)

[oily oaf]

Dear Mr Daltry

I noticed that in one of your classic hits as fuzzy-haired shortarse frontman for rock legends The Who you intone that:
Pictures of Lily
Make mah life so wonderfuuuuul.

In that case is there any chance of a lend of 'em chief as mine's in the bloody toilet at the moment.

(lights pipe, fastens jump leads around neck, fixes other end to ceiling joist, climbs onto stool, throws self off and waits)

[oily oaf]

Look I know it's short notice but has anyone got any shorter jumpleads as I've just gone through the downstairs ceiling.

Unlucky Alf
Leighton Oshawa