Pussy On The Roof

[oily oaf]

No not a detailed and tawdry account of forum Lothario Bezza's visit to the Ideal Home Exhibition but a rather more mundane issue which has been confounding me and causing much consternation and gnashing of teeth in the Oaf household of late :mad:
In short I am referring to the amount of cats that are ripping up the felt on my shed roof during their nocturnal visits to the lady cat next door which seems to come into season about 3 times a fortnight.
Following my heroic exploits with gas cooker and loft situated cold water cistern I now discover that my weekend, which should consist of guzzling enormous quantities of strong fizzy lager, booting the telly screen in when the football results come on and laughing and pointing at the contestants in Celebrity Come Dancing will instead be spent re-felting the shed roof and dreaming up pain inducing methods of keeping the local moggies from reducing my handiwork to ribbons once more.
Therefore any fiendish tips which you my friends can send my way will be gratefully received and may even result in a small financial token of around the five pound mark.
Be advised that I have already gone down the 2.2 pellet gun route but sadly my aim was slightly awry and I shot the woman across the road just as she was settling down on her upstairs chodbin.
It's what she would have wanted :mad:
A mate of mine rather helpfully suggested that if I coated my pristine roofing felt with lion jobbies this would most definitely deter my unwanted feline visitors but if he thinks I'm going bowling down to London Zoo in the middle of the night with a bucket and an enema syringe he can think again.
I'm going to toddle off to work now but when I return I fully expect to be greeted with an absolute plethora of helpful hints and relevant suggestions that will finally put an end to my constant struggle with unwanted pussy.
Carry on :cat: :arrowed:

[bowler]

plug in an old electric blanket, and throw it up there. If the cats aren't electrocuted, they will at least be warm.

[LotusElise]

You can actually buy lion poo pellets from some gardening supply places - not sure which ones though.
If you catch the dratted felines in the act, a good blast from a powerful water pistol will scatter them.

[Eki]

You can actually buy lion poo pellets from some gardening supply places - not sure which ones though.
If you catch the dratted felines in the act, a good blast from a powerful water pistol will scatter them.
I think I've seen some cat repellent stuff at a pet shop. If I remember right, lemon juice could help too. Try spraying lemon juice on the roof.

[jim mcglinchey]

A man of your ingenuity should be able to rig up a single strand electric barrier around the eaves, energised by a battery with its dedicated solar panel. I think the cats will thank you for your efforts for the environment.

Failing that just shoot one and put its mangey carcass in a little cat gibbet (available from Gibbets-R-Us) pour encourager les autres. They dont like to see one of their mates strung up.

[Daniel]

Get a dog? :mark:

[Hawkmoon]

Forgive me if this sounds like stupid question, but why have you got felt on the roof of your shed? :confused:

[malscar]

Practical solution is to put chicken wire over the felt so they can not claw it. Impractical would be to either trap them or use non ethical means to rid yourself of the pests.

[RaceFanStan]

Cover the roof with proper shingles & your problem will be solved ...
cats love to claw things, it's your fault because you are so lazy. :laugh:

[schmenke]

Chicken wire seems like the simplest solution.
Failing that, pound a few dozen roofing nails through a 1/4" sheet of plywood and nail it to the shed roof, with the nail points updward of course. You probably won't have to cover the entire roof, just the perimeters.

[oily oaf]

Some excellent albeit dastardly anti-puss ploys my friends :D

Bowler. Too expensive

Blossom The lion poo pellets would roll off the pitched roof although I suppose I could stick em in the liquidiser with some girraffe pee. It couldn't smell any worse than Mrs Oaf's Eel Casserole I spose :(

Eki Too painless

Jim Have you ever considered lifelong membership of The Humane Society?

Daniel The wallahs next door where the object of their affection lives have a slavering Staffordshire Bull Terrier and it still doesn't stop em getting jiggy

Hawkmoon. Londoners always put felt on their roof to soak up the precious few droplets of rain that we get each year. We then go into our gardens and suck the moisture out during the long hot dry winter months.

Malscar. Funnily enough I suggested the chicken wire solution to Mrs Oaf but she dismissed the idea immediately as it would "look 'orrible" :mad:

Stan. I totally refute your foul slur that I'm lazy although I'm the only man I know that lies down in the shower.

Schmenke. The bed of nails idea sounds like a beauty with the added bonus that I can have my mates round on a Saturday and we can hurl wooden balls at the impaled critters with a coconut for the winner.

I was toying with the idea of coating the felt with anti climb paint although this might turn out counter productive as the little bleeders will probably just dig their claws in even deeper to gain purchase on the slippery surface.

Keep the moggy mangling methodology comin' guys.
A crisp fiver with your name on it is burning a hole in my pocket.
I'll thank the winner later :mad:

[CarlMetro]

A slight expansion of Schmenkes method, not only less time consuming but also less labour intensive too, would be to pop down your local carpet emporium and purchase a few lenght of Grippastrip. Comes with the nails already in it, bent at nasty angles too, so all you'd have to do is get Mrs Oaf to attach it to the roof whilst you sample a couple of your friendly neighbourhoods drinking establishment's finest beverages.

Can I have the £5 in first class stamps please.

[LotusElise]

Blossom The lion poo pellets would roll off the pitched roof although I suppose I could stick em in the liquidiser with some girraffe pee. It couldn't smell any worse than Mrs Oaf's Eel Casserole I spose :(


I think they're more of a tablet shape. Or you could cut them in half.
Why not train the killer hedge you told us about ages ago onto the roof? They'd get thorns in their paws then.

[Hazell B]

Believe it or not, if you do something on purpose to put cats off and it hurts them, you're liable both legally for vet bills and for cruelty - so beware who you tell about whatever you choose to do ;)

Having said that, if a dog eats a wandering cat in it's own back garden, it depends on the dog's attitude to humans for you to be found liable :confused:

A friend's Greyhound killed her neighbour's kitten, so I had to learn about this stuff in case my dogs did the same thing some day. It's a horrible set of contradictory laws, frankly :mark:

Anyway, chicken wire would be my first choice. Cats will just jump over carpet gripper unless you put it everywhere. They're smart like that. The chicken wire should soon vanish into the felt's colour once it's up and a bit grubby. London's grubby, right? :p :

Failing that, try growning a savage climber over the roof, like pyracantha (you remember that stuff from the wall fiasco? :p : ) because they hate looking stupid do cats, and losing all your fur on a nasty twig looks stupid.

Don't try knocking them off with a hose. We tried that and the damned cat took half the felt with it ....

[oily oaf]

A slight expansion of Schmenkes method, not only less time consuming but also less labour intensive too, would be to pop down your local carpet emporium and purchase a few lenght of Grippastrip. Comes with the nails already in it, bent at nasty angles too, so all you'd have to do is get Mrs Oaf to attach it to the roof whilst you sample a couple of your friendly neighbourhoods drinking establishment's finest beverages.

Can I have the £5 in first class stamps please.

Ag ag ag ag ag ag
Trouble is mate the cats round 'ere are a wily, streetwise breed and knowing my luck if I put down gripper rods I'd wake up the next day to find that they'd laid down a nice bit of Axeminster and were up there basking in it's deep pile, smoking pipes and playing with 'emselves :(

Hazell. Despite my extereme pissedoffidness at having my beloved shed violated by these furry vandals I don't really want to do 'em any real damage.
After all they're only doing what most of us chapoons do in order to come into close proximity with the bodily particles of the gentler species.
Having said that even I'd draw the line at perching up on a shed roof for days on end wailing and caterwauling like a b******d just to have the chance of a shuftie at tonight's menu. Although I did once spend a fortnight in the loft of the lady next door armed with nought but a masonry drill and a pin hole camera :)
I was given six months for disorderly conduct and a years hard labour for having a small one :(

Having considered all options overnight I have decided to go with the chicken wire option..............with a few lion tabs thrown in.
The prize therefore will be shared by Lotus Blossom and Malscar who can either share the booty equally or meet up for a no holds barred straightner to sort matters out.
Last man or maneretta standing wins (my money's on the black geezer btw)

PS. Yes I must admit it is a trifle grimy here in Londinium.
In fact most nights, after I return from work with little black smuts all over my shiny rosy cheeked fizzog, it is my usual practice to climb up on the flat roof and start dancing round the smoking chimny pots singing.
"Chim chimeny chim chimeny chim chim charoooooo
Good luck will rub orf when I shakes 'ands wiv yoooo"
and
"Oh it's a jolly 'oliday wiv Mareweeee..........etc" ;)

May the beaming visage of St Dick Of Van Dyke the patron saint of West Ham Tube Station smile down benignly on all of you for your sagacity in attempting to solve my Pussy plagued predicament :mad:

[gadjo_dilo]

I've got the same problem with pidgeons who destroy my house eaves and poo the pavement.

In your case the easiest/cheapest solution is to kill the the lady cat of your neighbour. Eliminate the cause and there will be no more effects. ( just kidding, I love cats ).

[malscar]

As the time and expense of travelling to the fair country of fog would far outway the eventual prize of a fiver, I suggest you put the dosh to the purchase of a Admiral T709-X.

This updated version of what sits on your sideboard will allow you uninterupted listening of the Shipping Forecasts you so love as you may now connect it to that strange thing called electricity.

[cosmicpanda]

Too late for the competition, but I suppose you could try keeping bees up there?

Bit of an unusual spot but at least you'd have a supply of of honey and beeswax to do what you will with.

[oily oaf]

As the time and expense of travelling to the fair country of fog would far outway the eventual prize of a fiver, I suggest you put the dosh to the purchase of a Admiral T709-X.

This updated version of what sits on your sideboard will allow you uninterupted listening of the Shipping Forecasts you so love as you may now connect it to that strange thing called electricity.

Don't mention the "SF" words mate as I'm currently undergoing electro convulsive therapy to overcome my "problem".

"There will be force 9 gales over Cromarty OUCH! Dogger YAROO! and Biscay AIEEE! at 23.00 hours with an area of low pressure bringing light precipitaion to South Utsera GNNNN! and Malin Head BLIMEY LEAVE IT OUT! by dawn tomorrow." (lights pipe and slumps to floor twitching uncontrollably)

[oily oaf]

Too late for the competition, but I suppose you could try keeping bees up there?

Bit of an unusual spot but at least you'd have a supply of of honey and beeswax to do what you will with.

Cosmic I'll 'ave whatever you're smokin baby :D