The Noble Art Of Hitting People

[oily oaf]

Now then boys and opposite species. As you know I'm not a violent man (drums fingers impatiently on lifeless body of cat until gales of mocking laughter subside)
but last night I had what we Cockneys refer to as a right royal up and a downer with a couple of Somali-looking gents who thought it would be a jolly good idea to coerce me into making an involuntary contribution to their drugs kitty.
I won't go into too much detail folks other than to say that I achieved a famous and extremely decisive victory :) but the incident has moved me to ask the question,when was the last time you went outside on the cobbles and gave someone a top quality "straightner?"
Did you win? Was there much blood? Did your opponent live?
I give you my solemn word that your revelations will be treated in the strictest confidence and that the authorities will at no stage become involved in any shape or form.

Carry on

Oily "The Shoreditch Hammer" Oaf
Acting Special Police Commisioner For Scotland Yard
Broken Fingernail Ward
Hospital

[Daniel]

The last time I properly hit someone was December 2000.

He was one of my now ex friends and was being an idiot and I must have warned him about 10 times that I was going to punch him in the head and I just did it :mark: End result my hand really hurt for a few weeks and his head hurt for a fair few days or so I'm told :) Fair exchange I thought.....

[Donney]

I thin it was March 1988 I won and send my rival flying 2 meters away. I frankly don't enjoy fights and I hope never to be involved in one again.

[KILOHMUNNS]

Don't think I have ever hit anyone.

But I am a quick runner though!!

[oily oaf]

Kilohmunns. (Is that an anagram or summat?)
Don't knock it old son I've also been up on my toes a few times and no error :cat:

Now then chaps this won't do will it?
So far we've had Daniel giving his mate a clump and hurting his hand, Donney giving some geezer a right-hander and not even enjoying it and old Kilo legging it at the first signs of a row :(
I'll just have to wait for Fousto to make a contribution. Why I bet that good ole boy has already wasted a couple of goddam wetbacks on his way down for the morning paper :bandit:
Hot damn! He so fine!

[Curryhead]

Tskk, all this talk of violence, there other ways of sorting things out you know ;)

[oily oaf]

Handbags at dawn it is then mate.

[Daniel]

Kilohmunns. (Is that an anagram or summat?)
Don't knock it old son I've also been up on my toes a few times and no error :cat:

Now then chaps this won't do will it?
So far we've had Daniel giving his mate a clump and hurting his hand, Donney giving some geezer a right-hander and not even enjoying it and old Kilo legging it at the first signs of a row :(
I'll just have to wait for Fousto to make a contribution. Why I bet that good ole boy has already wasted a couple of goddam wetbacks on his way down for the morning paper :bandit:
Hot damn! He so fine!
Can I add that Caroline sometimes hits me and not in an erotic manner either? :blackeye:

[RaikkonenRules]

Last time I hit someone was in April at school. We ended up fighting and got suspended :(

[Curryhead]

I warn you Oily, I'm quite handy pal :p

[SOD]

never had to hit anyone, doubt if i'd do much damage.

can always start by annoying the folks who hang around Brick lane and Hanbury st. :p :

[Drew]

I've never been in a real fight.

However I got in a spot of trouble in a Berlin nightclub, luckily when drunk I still have quick enough reactions to duck in time!

[oily oaf]

Don't be a silly SOD. If you start a row in Brick Lane you'll end up in a takeaway Lamb Balti :eek:

[oily oaf]

Berlin nightclub Drew!
'Ere you're not one of them blokes that dresses up in stockings and suspenders are ya? :eek:
(pulls up chair and leans forward)

[Drew]

Definitely not oily.

Well, maybe just at the weekends. Anyway, who told you, was it danny boy? :angryfire

[oily oaf]

Listen don't sweat it Drew, we've all done it mate.
Why only last American Independence Day I paraded around the house wearing Janet Reger Peek A Boo welders gauntlets before whipping the cat to within an inch of its life.
It seemed like the most natural thing in the world :)
I hope this helps

[Hazell B]

Handbags at dawn, Oily?
Pah, forget it. I don't do dawn and I don't do handbags (unless they're Radley.)

Make it crickets bats at about 6ish and you're on :p :

Cannot remember the last time I hit somebody. Perhaps a year ago, I dunno. The person in question talked to me as if I were an idiot about three times, and got a warning from myself and some friends to shut up and go away or get a slap. He chose the slap and was far too shocked by the cracking right hook that he didn't even think to hit back. His black eye was minor but caused much sniggering at his place of work ..... and he promised to never ask a woman to hit him again :p :

Don't tell him I wasn't aiming to really hit his eye, please. It was just blind good luck :s

[BDunnell]

Drew, can you remember which Berlin nightclub? I doubt it, somehow... ;)

[Drew]

I was told it was called "Der Matrix club".

Drunk when we got there, drunk when we left :up:

I seem to remember it was very near an s-bahn station :p :

[BDunnell]

Ah yes, Warschauer Strasse to be precise. Two friends went there recently while we were in Berlin. I managed to avoid it, and felt better for it the morning after, though at least one of them wasn't alone the next morning...

[BDunnell]

Ah yes, Warschauer Straße to be precise.

I recently managed to avoid going there with two friends. They too were there for some time...

[CCFanatic]

I do amatuer boxing, and have a 3-3 record, 1 KO.

Other than that. Last year, I got into a fight at school. Kid elbowed me in line for lunch. I ask what was his problem. He pushed me. I told him to screw himself, he threw a punch right on my shoulder and one good punch to the guy took him out. I was a fighter in school when I was little. Like 8-9, I would say I was in 10-15 fights. Won everyone, but got kicked out of school or given detention in every case, so really I did loose. Another time a friend of a neightbor was drunk stumbled into my families back yard and knocked on the door looking for more booz. It was just me at home, and I called the police. The guy would not leave, so I grabbed a baseball bat. Went out side, told the guy the police are coming and he better leave. He charged, and he got baseball bat right into the the left leg. He went to the hospital before going to jail for a bunch of crap, and I got away with no crime. The guy wanted to get me charged with assault, but he was in my yard and attempted to attack me.

[Drew]

Ah that'll be the one :up: I didn't think it was quite your place.

We went on a pub crawl too and we got to this one pub. The guides told us it had been opened by a group of artists. I was dissapointed, it wasn't art as such just graffiti, everywhere.

[BDunnell]

Drew, that description doesn't narrow it down much in Berlin — either to do with bars being opened by artists, or graffiti everywhere!

[Daniel]

Drew, that description doesn't narrow it down much in Berlin — either to do with bars being opened by artists, or graffiti everywhere!
Can you talk about punching someone or take it to PM's? :p

[J4MIE]

Oily, if I stagger into you on Saturday night then I do apologise :)

[BDunnell]

OK, Daniel — I have never punched anyone, but was the only prefect at my school to ever be punched by a fellow pupil while I was on duty. I could very easily have got the little **** suspended, but given that he played truant almost every other day, (a) I suppose I was lucky he was there to hit me, and (b) it seemed pointless. Later, he was arrested for holding up the sweet shop in town with a water pistol inside a carrier bag.

[Daniel]

OK, Daniel — I have never punched anyone, but was the only prefect at my school to ever be punched by a fellow pupil while I was on duty. I could very easily have got the little **** suspended, but given that he played truant almost every other day, (a) I suppose I was lucky he was there to hit me, and (b) it seemed pointless. Later, he was arrested for holding up the sweet shop in town with a water pistol inside a carrier bag.
I don't advocate violence but I think everyone should throw a punch or two during their lifetime just to know what it feels like and to know that it's not something to do for fun :) GO on punch someone :D

[BDunnell]

Daniel, I like to live the quiet life — hence being in with a bottle of wine on a Friday evening!

[Hondo]

I was going into a Texas dance hall honky tonk saloon one Saturday night when this large, intoxicated bubba comes stumbling out the doors, down the steps, and crashes into me. Whilst he was cursing me for being in his way, I grabbed his overall straps and shoved him back and the rest of the way down the steps. Now he's really mad. He picks up an empty long neck beer bottle and, holding the bottle by the neck, busts it off on the hitching post (yes a real hitching post. this place was way out in the country and some folks wpuld sometimes ride their horses up there.) just like on TV. Unlike on TV, the bottle shattered leaving his now bleeding hand holding about an inch and a half of blunt bottle neck. I busted out laughing at him which angered him further but before he could advance, two other guys come flying out of the joint, jump on bubba, and commence to beat the living crap out of him. I went ahead and went on inside. Later on, with his paw all bandaged up, he came up to me inside and apologized for his behaviour. The owner of the saloon told him to apologize to everyone he had offended or he would have to leave and would not be allowed to return anymore. I bought him a beer and told him no problem. I never did hit him and don't know what set him off in the first place but this was a pretty nice place for what it was and it was close by so nobody wanted to get thrown out for good.

You don't see a lot of punching around here because too many people are armed with something, be it gun or knife, although the gun would most usually be out in the truck. Usually insults are hurled back and forth until one side starts laughing or the band starts playing again.

[oily oaf]

Hehehehehe great story Fiero and aint it the truth about guns and knives being a bastion against wanton violence ;)

Now then folks I want you to completely disregard the mealy-mouthed, non-aggressive platitudes of Mr Dunnel as I myself have borne witness to a very different sort of cove :mad:

I was drinking in a small titty bar in Hamburg where Mr D was also ensconced at a table swilling shots of red eye and gnawing hungrily on a chair leg.
Suddenly a group of 5 or 6 neo-nazi skinheads entered and started throwing their weight around one of whom blundered into our hero's table spilling his liquor in the process :(
With a huge bull-like roar "Big" Ben leapt to his feet and with an ear splitting cry of "Gott en himmel", "Achtung Englander" and "For you Fritz ze booze-up ist over" he proceeded to smash all 6 of 'em all over the gaff until they lay at his feet a bloody lumpen mass of broken bodies.
I must confess that I blubbed shamelessly as I watched the spectacle unfold and with tears in my eyes and deep respect in my breast I approached the table where the panting brute sat guzzling Deutch Vimto and tugging playfully at a serving wenches knicker elastic.
"Can I buy you a drink mate" I proffered.
Before I could blink the hulking lummox rose to hs feet, stepped back and delivered a thunderous swipe across my jaw that saw me cartwheeling out into the strasse where I was run over and killed instantly by a passing VW Beetle (the old shape)

Still mustn't grumble.
It's what I would have wanted :)


Jamie. ARE YOU STARIN' AT MY PINT OF TARTAN BITTER? :mad:

[jso1985]

got involved in a fight yesterday for the first time since I was 14.

please do not yell at me calling me arrogant and racist if I had only sleep 2 hours last night and you know I'm already p***ed off because of your morronic sister's whining :mark:

[oily oaf]

Mrs Oaf became an enthusiastic practioner of "The Noble Art" last night after I put my foot through the upstairs ceiling whilst carrying out a repair on the cold water cistern in the loft.
How we laughed as she stood over my broken body and sneered that at the time it had "seemed like the most natural thing in the world"

[LotusElise]

I have never punched anyone in anger, really, but I did headbutt a bloke on a bus about 5 years ago. I had warned him to take his hand off my leg or I would break his nose and he didn't heed my warning. He was really shocked and called me some of the strangest things I've ever been called. The choicest one was "do you think you're Princess Diana or somebody?"
Yeah right, Princess Diana was always headbutting pissed university footballers when they manhandled her...

[Daniel]

I have never punched anyone in anger, really, but I did headbutt a bloke on a bus about 5 years ago. I had warned him to take his hand off my leg or I would break his nose and he didn't heed my warning. He was really shocked and called me some of the strangest things I've ever been called. The choicest one was "do you think you're Princess Diana or somebody?"
Yeah right, Princess Diana was always headbutting pissed university footballers when they manhandled her...
Wow. *Mental note to self. Don't anger LotusElise*

[BDunnell]

I have never punched anyone in anger, really, but I did headbutt a bloke on a bus about 5 years ago. I had warned him to take his hand off my leg or I would break his nose and he didn't heed my warning. He was really shocked and called me some of the strangest things I've ever been called. The choicest one was "do you think you're Princess Diana or somebody?"
Yeah right, Princess Diana was always headbutting pissed university footballers when they manhandled her...

Yes, I believe she was known as 'The People's Pissed University Footballer Headbutter'.

[Garry Walker]

I am known for very short temper and unfortunately I am also quite strong ( I have benched quite a lot of weight), so that combination is never good. The most notorious ones for me have been:

I once did pretty big damage to a guy who pushed my little sister down on the floor, it ended with a broken nose, several lost teeth, vomiting blood and some other things for him, and I only had some soreness on my fist :D . Boy, did I enjoy that one.

On a dark street I was once approached by 2 hooded youths (maybe 18-19 years old) asking for my mobile phone, they were probably drugged up because they were probably both 170 pounds at most and it was no contest, they had no chance at all, but it was a fun experience trying to hold them both down, waiting for the police to arrive :D

I have also lost a fight, but that is never a good thing to talk about :D

[oily oaf]

I nearly had another fight last weekend :(
I was sitting ddown minding my own business when I spotted a gang of about 20 white blokes chasing after a little black geezer.
With a bull like roar I leapt to my feet and prepared to step in.
Luckily Mrs Oaf was there and she managed to calm me down.
How we both laughed when she explained I had been watching The Japanese Grand Prix.

[Woodeye]

I nearly had another fight last weekend :(
I was sitting ddown minding my own business when I spotted a gang of about 20 white blokes chasing after a little black geezer.
With a bull like roar I leapt to my feet and prepared to step in.
Luckily Mrs Oaf was there and she managed to calm me down.
How we both laughed when she explained I had been watching The Japanese Grand Prix.

:laugh:

[BrentJackson]

I nearly had another fight last weekend :(
I was sitting ddown minding my own business when I spotted a gang of about 20 white blokes chasing after a little black geezer.
With a bull like roar I leapt to my feet and prepared to step in.
Luckily Mrs Oaf was there and she managed to calm me down.
How we both laughed when she explained I had been watching The Japanese Grand Prix.

:laugh:

Not bad, oily. :D

I have twice got into a fight. First time was in sixth grade, when the local bully hit me in the back of the head with a lunch tray. I waited for him to leave, and snuck on him later and sucker punched him in the stomach. Thankfully the principal had seen the bully hit me with the tray, and both of us got a lecture. Neither of us ever hit each other again.

The second time was about a year ago. Me and a bunch of my buddies were coming out of a movie (The Departed, FYI) and saw a girl arguing with a handful of guys. She got up to walk away and one of them grabbed her and hit her in the face hard enough to draw blood. The buddy next to me promptly ran up and broadsided the moron. It would up with about a 20-man brawl. I got my nose broken that way, but the guy who did that found himself on the ground rolled up into a ball. The security guys came and the few jerks booked it, while we just stopped and listened. I helped the girl up. One of the security guys had seen the moron hit the woman, and we got away with just a lecture. The girl insisted on giving me her number. I called her the next day and we started going out. She was my girl for eight months, and are still friends. :)

As for a**hole, I never saw him again after that. Good thing too. After hearing her experiences with him, I wanted to hit his a** again. :angryfire

[SEATFreak]

Tskk, all this talk of violence, there other ways of sorting things out you know ;)

That's the first sensible comment I have heard from anyone since I registered!! :up:

I have never hit. I don't fight. I won't fight. I can't fight. I would not know how to fight. So you can guess what my views on fighting are.

I am sad all this talk of punching feels like your chatting about gasket-thingy's and cam-something-or-other.

It must be possible to tackle a situation by sitting the agressor down and having a talk about what it is that is rilling him or her. Not just further agrivating the sitation by further adding to the violence.

Sums you lot up perfectly.

[oily oaf]

That's the first sensible comment I have heard from anyone since I registered!! :up:

I have never hit. I don't fight. I won't fight. I can't fight. I would not know how to fight. So you can guess what my views on fighting are.

I am sad all this talk of punching feels like your chatting about gasket-thingy's and cam-something-or-other.

It must be possible to tackle a situation by sitting the agressor down and having a talk about what it is that is rilling him or her. Not just further agrivating the sitation by further adding to the violence.

Sums you lot up perfectly.


:rotflmao:
I think you have failed to spot the irony in my old mate Currhead's post old chap.
He posted that flippant remark after sending me a blood spattered PM in which he chronicled a rather violent confrontation with some London football hooligans in a pub in his native Nottinghamshire town.
I should also point out that CH was for a number of years a serving soldier in The British Army where he was trained to not just punch his rivals on the nose but to kill them dead with his great big, naughty rifle thingy.
He was also a rather useful boxer who rather enjoyed punching people in the face whilst wearing great big red gloves.
Feeling a bit silly yet mate? :)

You are of course correct in stating that potentially violent situations should always be assuaged by reasoned discussion.
Now that I think about it when a fellow doorman and myself spotted a young woman being sexually assaulted by a gang of men outside a South London nite club instead of steaming into 'em and taking the girl into the club for safety before making sure she got a taxi home I should have on reflection brought out a couple of chairs and sat her would be rapists down and given them a stern, finger-wagging telling off.

Now reaarange the following word jumble to create a well know saying Coffee The , Smell, Wake up, And. :rolleyes:

[oily oaf]

Here's one I clobbered earlier

[Curryhead]

yup, the ICF under 5's got a proper twonking that day :D