Lies. Damn lies. & Advertising

[oily oaf]

Have any of you ever been lured into buying something by the grandiose and at times, highly improbable claims of a manufacturer?
I know I have :mad:

During the long hot summer of 1976 I was watching my moving, talking television apparatus when an ad came on in which a clearly over excited voice over man started singing that "A Mars a day helps you work rest and plaaaaaaay"

No it doesn't!
Suitably enthused by this shameless propaganda I rushed to my local sweet shop and purchased a bar of the scrumptious chocolate coated comestible and took it to work.
Imagine my disgust and fury when I jammed it into the spark plug port of a Ford Corsair in order to conduct a compression test and discovered that instead of giving me an accurate pound per square inch reading it merely shot out of the engine block and struck me a violent blow in the eye.

Nothing daunted I decided to test the 2nd of its alleged attributes and took it into the locker room, tucked it under my head and fell asleep.
My rage knew no bounds when upon awakening I found that not only had it melted beyond all recognition but that it had also given me a nasty yeast based ear infection which took over 3 months to clear up.

Somewhat deflated I then took the remains home and ate it during a game of blackjack with some local heavies.
To my horror I lost my house, car and priceless collection of 1970s hard core grumble films to a Chinese Tong leader from Cripplegate :mad:

I now live in a small but well appointed cardboard box underneath the arches just outside Plaistow underground station. I exist on a diet of fizzy lager and shoelaces and earn 25 quid a week as toilet paper wallah to Phil out of Eastenders.
I have however managed to scrape enough money together to purchase a small, albeit barely alive dog on a piece of string :)
Which was nice.

"Work Rest and Play?" You're 'avin' a larf incha?
(drinks deeply from can of Southern Castrol Sippin' Shoe Renovation Fluid and starts fighting self)

Yours Ruefully
"Two Bob" Teddy Liverdisorder
London

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

I should like to disagree in the strongest possible terms with regard to Mr Liverdisorders outrageous attack on the Mars bar.
During the late 60's both my girlfriend and I spent some of our happiest moments together with nothing but one of the delicious chocolaty treats for company.

Yours Indignantly
Mick Jagger (Sir)
Upstairs Flat
Cheyne Walk
Chelsea.

"ALRIGHT..........I SAY.......ALRIGHT........GIT DOWN"
(struts from thread clapping hands together rhythmically)

[oily oaf]

Dear Sir

Can I just reiterate the sentiments expressed by Mr Jagger.
I too enjoyed some absolutely splendid, intimate moments with my boyfriend and one of the saucy confections.
I did get thrush shortly afterwards though :(

Yours Wistfully
Marianne Faithfull
Princess Lulu Home For Confused Pop Icons
Oshawa
Leighton Buzzard.

[Azumanga Davo]

Who let 8 Ace next to the computer again...?

[oily oaf]

Who let 8 Ace next to the computer again...?

Ah 8 Ace. "Only £1.49 for 8 nourishing cans"
Now THAT'S responsible advertising.

[oily oaf]

Dear Animal Lovers.

PAL dogfood "Prolongs Active Life"
Not in the case of my next door neighbours constantly yapping Jack Russel it doesn't as it was killed instantly after scoffing a bowl of the nutricious doggie repast that I had carefully lowered over the fence.
Mind you it was heavily laced with Paraquat and drain cleaning fluid.

C. Parker Bowles
Easy Street
London

[LotusElise]

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I ate a dozen Scotch eggs yesterday and did not feel the slightest bit drunk. I have a nagging suspicion that your Scotch eggs do not contain Scotch at all, rather some non-alcoholic substitute.
I appreciate in these times of PC we need to have alternatives, but when my housekeeper purchases Scotch eggs I would expect that they had some Scotch content.

Yours,

Charlie Hoover (Viscount)
Countrysideshire.

[oily oaf]

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I ate a dozen Scotch eggs yesterday and did not feel the slightest bit drunk. I have a nagging suspicion that your Scotch eggs do not contain Scotch at all, rather some non-alcoholic substitute.
I appreciate in these times of PC we need to have alternatives, but when my housekeeper purchases Scotch eggs I would expect that they had some Scotch content.

Yours,

Charlie Hoover (Viscount)
Countrysideshire.

Dear Chuck.
Aint it the truth brother.
I had the same trouble with so-called Wine Gums and Brandy Snaps.
As for dem Cider Lollies, don't get me started :mad:

[oily oaf]

Darling Imperialist Dogs

"Guiness Is Good For You" claim the Dublin based brewers.
Well I beg to differ, as last St Patrick's Day I guzzled 12 pints of "The Black Stuff" in one late night session at The Lord Rodney's Head only to wake up in the early hours and urinate in the wardrobe before spending the remaining hours before dawn vomitting into a bucket whilst sitting perched on the outside chodbin.
What's good about that? :mad:

HRH Prince Phillip
Seaman's Mission
Cockermouth

[race aficionado]

Hey!

don't get me started on that pump I was once enticed to! :mad:

just a hint . . . . it hurt like hell and the swelling did not attract any of the onlookers.


I'm outa' here!



:s mokin:

[Drew]

Darling Imperialist Dogs

"Guiness Is Good For You" claim the Dublin based brewers.
Well I beg to differ, as last St Patrick's Day I guzzled 12 pints of "The Black Stuff" in one late night session at The Lord Rodney's Head only to wake up in the early hours and urinate in the wardrobe before spending the remaining hours before dawn vomitting into a bucket whilst sitting perched on the outside chodbin.
What's good about that? :mad:

HRH Prince Phillip
Seaman's Mission
Cockermouth

Guiness = Irish detox ;)

[Iain]

Oily, I think you should direct your complaint about the Mars slogan to a Mr Murray Walker, he's the man who came up with it back in his previous career as an ad man. :D

[oily oaf]

Oily, I think you should direct your complaint about the Mars slogan to a Mr Murray Walker, he's the man who came up with it back in his previous career as an ad man. :D

Hehehehe that's right I remember the old rascal revealing that little nugget in an interview.
I tell ya what if he wasn't an old geezer I'd set his bloody trousers on fire for that :mad:

[Flat.tyres]

"Red Bull gives you Wings"?

like F**k they do. I brought some the other day for Mrs Tyres (aptly named by the way) and she got most irate with me.

not only could she not do any cycling or rollerblading but she said they didnt even have a little bit of string on :s hock:

[dime3]

The Coca-Cola advertisement that says Coke adds life. I grew up knowing while I drink it prolongs my life. :o

[oily oaf]

The Coca-Cola advertisement that says Coke adds life. I grew up knowing while I drink it prolongs my life. :o

Yeah what a load of old guff eh mate?
Oh while I'm here can I just take this opportunity to wish you a very happy 207th birthday :)

[LeonBrooke]

Dear Sirs and Ma'ams


I am sad to say that I am disappointed by Cheesy pops. The adverts say that all I have to do is get on the blower and the cattle will deliver little cheesy treats to my many and varied children.

But I've tried my hardest on my peak-flow meter and all that happens is I lose consciousness.

I am gravely disappointed, as last time I gave it a go I ended up in hospital for six weeks.

Please rectify this gross omission, and I happily anticipate getting on the blower next time to see the cattle approaching down the driveway.

Sincerely,

Ethel Scrugwell
Spoonbill
Nelson
South Island
New Zealand
Southern Hemisphere
Earth