I'm 'Aving It Large

[oily oaf]

What in the name of Lloyd Bridges is going on with my computer guys?
I switched on on Saturday morn only to find that everything was about 3 times bigger than normal.
The desktop image (a rather attractive member of the opposite species) had ballooned to alarming proportions and all the icons had rearranged themselves in different positions in order to fit the screen.
The fonts had tripled in size and appeared to be designed for the visually impaired.
Rather than bore you all to tears with my whining I made a tentative plea to my Londoner chums on a West Ham forum and was advised to hang my pooter out of a top floor window as it had gone into "safe" mode, to wash the monitor with a mop and bucket and to wipe my intimate bodily particles across the screen :(
One or 2 of the guys were quite helpful however and advised me to alter the screen resolution to 1024 x 760 or something which has eased the problem somewhat but the web pages are still bigger than usual and the fonts in the task bar, address bar ec are blurred and appear to be in italics.
I've run a virus check using my AVG Tight Gits Edition which proved clear and completed a system restore but to no avail.
Any thoughts people?
A bloke down the pub yesterday said he thought that the graphics card was knackered. Unfortunately he was very VERY drunk at the time.
A crisp fiver and a poke in the eye to the first man/woman jack to bring me cyber satisfaction.
Carry on :)

[Jaws]

Pops, a friend of mine has been telling me for years about the dangers of eating chicken that has been primed with growth hormones and how it can lead to things growing out of proportion in weird places. Now the breasts I can handle, but I wouldn't be too fond of oversize font.

I suggest you cut out Chicken from your diet and go organic.

Do I get a fiver?

Cheers

[janneppi]

I think i need another cup of coffee, initially I read the title as I'm Awril Lavigne

I suggest you buy some yob a pint or two to fix the thing at your home.

[Storm]

Try to reduce text size in the browser options....see if it works...
but the taskbar and stuff eh....reboot ? :p :

[Daniel]

Try pressing control and then rolling the scrollwheel on the mouse forward at the same time :)

Guaranteed to sort it or my name's not Daniel

[oily oaf]

Pops, a friend of mine has been telling me for years about the dangers of eating chicken that has been primed with growth hormones and how it can lead to things growing out of proportion in weird places. Now the breasts I can handle, but I wouldn't be too fond of oversize font.

I suggest you cut out Chicken from your diet and go organic.

Do I get a fiver?

Cheers

Strewth son, fair go mate.
It's a bit steep when your own kith and kin start ripping the piss outta ya :(
Go to your room, set light to the bedclothes and throw yourself onto the bed....................face down :mad:

Stormie. I have rebooted a number of times but to no avail.
O. Oaf. Foot Fracture Clinic
Hospital.

Daniel. Hehehehehe that's quite a nifty little trick mate.
Sadly although it did make the web page zoom in and out rather alarmingly it has had no effect on the font visibility, the enlarged icons and
oversized desktop display.
Could it be a graphics card prob?
Keep the suggestions coming guys and thanks for your help and patience as I know these "My computer won't work" threads are a royal PITA.

[Daniel]

Sounds like you've changed your desktop resolution. Right click on the desktop and change your desktop resolution.

[janneppi]

When you say the fonts have enlarged, do you mean in the Microsoft crap such as desktop, or everywhere, like in the internet? :)
If only in the former, check what font have you selected.
right-click on the desktop -> properties ->appearances
There should be a drop down bar called Font size, check if it's anything other than normal.

[oily oaf]

Sounds like you've changed your desktop resolution. Right click on the desktop and change your desktop resolution.

Good work benefit scrounging, black person baiting, kangaroo hunting Welsh type fella :D
You were right mate. I changed the screen resolution from 1024x 720 to 1024 x 1028 and the job's a good un.

Thing that confuses the hell out of me is why would the screen resolution alter by itself?
Perhaps that's one for the boys in the West Ham forum. I'm guaranteed a sympathetic hearing over there ;)

Thanks Dan. The fivers in the post mate.......................................course it might get lost what with all this strike action by the postmen. Sickener isn't it? :mad:

[race aficionado]

This is riveting.
Is Daniel's name still Daniel?





to wash the monitor with a mop and bucket and to wipe my intimate bodily particles across the screen

Oi!

[LotusElise]

Have you tried pressing F11? That always restores my screen size, although the problem does sound a bit more serious than that.

[race aficionado]

Looks like it's all been resolved.
Daniel is still Daniel
Oily's screen is spotting clean
and all sizes have been brought to normal size.

what will pop up next?????

[oily oaf]

Have you tried pressing F11? That always restores my screen size, although the problem does sound a bit more serious than that.

It's a lot more serious than that Lotus Blossom. According to one of the lads over at the West Ham site I've shrunk my monitor by over washing it and now I have to dry the back of it with a hairdryer, leave it in the sun for a couple of days and then wipe my bodily particles across the screen before reinstalling ;)

No, it's all good now guys although the fonts look really minute right now after having had bloody great lettering for the past few days.

Thanks to everyone for your kindness and forebearance with a ham-fisted cyber dickead. Much appreciated.

Janneppi. I never go in pubs and I'm certainly not aquainted with any yobs ;)

[oily oaf]

Ag ag ag ag ag ag

I'm going into work a bit earlier today where armed with my new IT expertise I'm going to sabotage a couple of the firm's computers.
First up will be the one in the workshop office where yours truly and my greasy chums go to download workshop manuals from the Honda website and where the apprentices spend their lunch hour staring open-mouthed at sensible young ladies who have made the decision to remove most if not all of their togs for the benifit of mankind.
If I have time to spare I'll also have a crack at the one on reception to get my own back on the moody cow who sits there all day filing her nails and reading "Hello"

I just hope it doesn't end in tears like my last jolly jape.
This took place a few weeks back when I came in on a Saturday and happened to glance at the new whiteboard in the Sales Director's office on which he scrawls aspirational and highly fanciful monthly targets which are a constant source of amusement to us all.
On this particular morn he had written that as only 85% of the target had been reached there would be no monthly bonus.
Nipping into the workshop for my felt tip I wrote underneath "Does this face look bovvered to you?"

The following Monday a short exchange ensued between us.

SD Oily did you write on my board?

OO Me? No boss. Why what's up?

SD It won't rub off as it's been written in edilible ink.

OO Blimey what a sickener

SD The thing is Oily, there were only 2 people in on Saturday. You and the old man (garage and franchise owner)

OO Ah....(long pause)..... Well do you want me to go and have a word with 'im boss? I mean to say you'd have thought the old b*****d would have grown out of that sort of thing by now wouldn't yer?

SD (turns on hell and stalks out of workshop)

1 - 0 to the workers methinks :)

[CarlMetro]

Thing that confuses the hell out of me is why would the screen resolution alter by itself?

It's all part of the Microsoft world domination plan. Whenever you download Microsoft updates there will alway be things which, unless you're Daniel, you have absolutely no idea what they're for yet, because Microsofdt recommend it, you happily load them into your machine. Well they are in fact messages and programmes sent to your machine to give it occasional problems. Then your average Joe will then call the Microsoft hotline asking for help only to have played subliminal messages down the phone line to get you to buy Windows Vista or the latest Office products :dozey:

It must be true because my Dad's next door neighbours brother once brought a computer ;)

[Daniel]

Ag ag ag ag ag ag

I'm going into work a bit earlier today where armed with my new IT expertise I'm going to sabotage a couple of the firm's computers.
First up will be the one in the workshop office where yours truly and my greasy chums go to download workshop manuals from the Honda website and where the apprentices spend their lunch hour staring open-mouthed at sensible young ladies who have made the decision to remove most if not all of their togs for the benifit of mankind.
If I have time to spare I'll also have a crack at the one on reception to get my own back on the moody cow who sits there all day filing her nails and reading "Hello"

I just hope it doesn't end in tears like my last jolly jape.
This took place a few weeks back when I came in on a Saturday and happened to glance at the new whiteboard in the Sales Director's office on which he scrawls aspirational and highly fanciful monthly targets which are a constant source of amusement to us all.
On this particular morn he had written that as only 85% of the target had been reached there would be no monthly bonus.
Nipping into the workshop for my felt tip I wrote underneath "Does this face look bovvered to you?"

The following Monday a short exchange ensued between us.

SD Oily did you write on my board?

OO Me? No boss. Why what's up?

SD It won't rub off as it's been written in edilible ink.

OO Blimey what a sickener

SD The thing is Oily, there were only 2 people in on Saturday. You and the old man (garage and franchise owner)

OO Ah....(long pause)..... Well do you want me to go and have a word with 'im boss? I mean to say you'd have thought the old b*****d would have grown out of that sort of thing by now wouldn't yer?

SD (turns on hell and stalks out of workshop)

1 - 0 to the workers methinks :)
If you want a laugh press Ctrl-Alt-(and then an arrow key) ;)

[oily oaf]

If you want a laugh press Ctrl-Alt-(and then an arrow key) ;)

Ah the old boxing glove on a spring ruse eh Daniel?
I have to say that your devious ploy almost worked, but fortunately my old ring craft came fully to the fore and I managed to get on to the balls of my feet and sway deftly out of range.
Unfortunately the sales director who was standing just behind me wasn't quite so lucky and took the full force of the blow right in the "Niagras"
He spent the next 2 hours in the executive bogs having his "orchestras" sponged down with ice water by "Bendy" Bob Cummins the director of finance and a man of debatable sexual orientation.
Which was nice.

Quick update on my computer tinkering jape.
I did indeed manage to cut down the screen resolution on the one in reception and I watched with ill disguised glee through the glass partition as Big Brenda aka Tugboat Annie gunned it into life.
As soon as I spotted the bemused look on her fizzog I sauntered casually over and enquired nonchalantly "Alright love?"
"It's gone all big" she wailed
"Don't knock it missus" I ventured "It must be bloody years since you've been able to say that"

2 - 0 and it's not even half time yet :D

[Brown, Jon Brow]

What Oily Oaf has obviously done is a Google search for 'Lulu + nude'. The results would normally give a web user an image that would scar them for life. So what Google does to protect themselves from being sued is automatically change your screen resolution so the image is pixelated and therefor less offending.

Have you ever wondered why Oily Oaf always seems to be online but only occasionally makes posts? It's because he uses this website as an alibi. What he is doing when he is online is looking for dirty pictures of his favourite 60's female pop stars, then, when Mrs Oaf walks in he quickly changes the tap to Motorsport forums ;)

[Mark in Oshawa]

I think the Oaf is just a Luddite at heart.....

[schmenke]

.... What he is doing when he is online is looking for dirty pictures of Lloyd Bridges...

:s hock:

[Jaws]

I am up for some hijinks too Oily, after squarley telling the boss where he can shove his job, I am on my last legs here. Before I leave, I would like to go out with a Bang - any suggestions would be appreciated. I think I will change my bosses screen resolution - that will really stuff him.

[race aficionado]

Jaws
Ask Daniel to give you those dirty tricks that you so much desire.
I'm sure he is full of deviant ones. They of course require a combination that for sure has the Option and/or Control button for the sequence to be activated, thus giving you the desired Bang effect you are so craving for.

[oily oaf]

JB It's bad enough that your lot are trying to prise Carlos Tevez away from his beloved Upton Park home and yet now you choose to add fuel to the flames by publicly dissing the woman I love :(
Only last night I was watching a thrilling 1968 rerun of Seahunt in which Lulu gets bitten by a sea scorpion whilst diving a wreck in Tilury Docks.
Lloyd hauls her back onto the dinghy and proceeds to suck the poison from her chubby little ankle.
I'm afraid I became so enthused by this that I had to rush to the local swimming baths and slake my lust in the shallow end.
It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

Mark In Pull The Other One
I am not a Luddite. In fact I've never even been to Ludd.
I wouldn't mind betting you have though Eh? Eh?
You're there now aren't you? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Mark In Oshawa, Shsmark in Oshawa! :mad:

Jaws O fruit of my hyperactive loins. I had a similar problem a few years back and sought the help of an aged gypsy fortune teller and differential specialist from Rotherhithe.
After crossing her palm with a crown wheel she told me to wipe my custard rifle over the bosses keyboard 3 times whilst chanting the mantra "Lulu Flippers, Lulu Flippers, Lulu Flippers. Oxygen tank"
Sure enough 3 days later he was admitted to hospital with genital warts on his fingers and subsequently died on the operating table.
Which was nice.
Hope this helps.

Love you son

[Daniel]

Jaws
Ask Daniel to give you those dirty tricks that you so much desire.
I'm sure he is full of deviant ones. They of course require a combination that for sure has the Option and/or Control button for the sequence to be activated, thus giving you the desired Bang effect you are so craving for.
Good ole screencap of the desktop and then setting the background as the screencap is a good one. You moves thei cons into another directory and it's all good :D

[Mark in Oshawa]

Oaf....you cant go to Ludd....but Mr. Ludd if he was around would be your hero.

Also, I am not swimming in your public pool now...there is something floating on the surface I am not prepared to identify. Damn that Lulu!!

[jonas_mcrae]

go to Windows settings and then appearance and change the font and size, this will solve the task bar problem

[Jaws]

Damn it, in my excitement to implement Daniel and Oily's brilliant dastardly deeds, I got a little frazzled, said the chant, wiped the custard rifle accordingly and THEN changed the screen settings. Now I have these terrible warts on my fingers :eek:

[oily oaf]

Damn it, in my excitement to implement Daniel and Oily's brilliant dastardly deeds, I got a little frazzled, said the chant, wiped the custard rifle accordingly and THEN changed the screen settings. Now I have these terrible warts on my fingers :eek:

Watch two episodes of Seahunt and call me in the morning

Yours Paternally
Doc Oaf
British Institute For Embarassing Illnesses
Discharge House
Divorceshire

[Dave B]

Good ole screencap of the desktop and then setting the background as the screencap is a good one. You moves thei cons into another directory and it's all good :D
I've been using Windows for 12 years and never thought of that! I will now.... :D

Mwahh-ha-ha-haaaa-ha-haaa!

[oily oaf]

go to Windows settings and then appearance and change the font and size, this will solve the task bar problem

Don't worry mate it's all sorted now. But thanks anyway :)