Dear Forum

[oily oaf]

I am a 43 year old woman and my husband is 49.
About 3 weeks ago I set out for work in my battered Ford Cortina as usual but unfortunately a few hundred yards up the road it conked out and wouldn't restart.
I walked back home to get some help from my husband only to find him parading in front of the mirror in full make up and wearing my clothes and underwear.
When I confronted him he broke down and wept insisting it was a one off spur of the moment thing and would never happen again.
I'm not so sure however as 4 days ago I discovered a horde of ladies' scanties and a wig in his tool box.
He now refuses to go to work, hardly eats and is prone to bouts of crying and depression, often threatening to take his own life.
I still love him deeply despite his odd habits and desperately want him restored to his old cheerful self.
Can any of you please help me as I'm at the end of my tether with worry and just can't see a way out for us both.

Yours faithfully
Enid Powergusset
Leighton Buzzard

[oily oaf]

Dear Mrs Powergusset

Yes the problem you describe is surprisingly commonplace, particularly with older vehicles
It may be that the fuel/air mixture is too lean causing the vehicle to stall as fuel evaporates in the manifold.
Alternately the field windings in the ignition coil may be breaking down causing a weak spark which fails to jump the electrodes at the plugs.
I suggest you start by increasing the mixture at the carb by turning the mixture screw clockwise half a turn and increasing tickover speed at the fast idle screw also.
Check the coil by removing the HT lead from the distributor and then by holding it about 2mm from an earthed screwdriver check to see if there is a healthy and regular spark.
I hope this helps.

For further assistance call one of the following free numbers:

0898100

01 Vehicle pulls to one side and I think I might be gay

02 Engine has rough idle and he's finished in seconds

03 Embarrassing itching and clutch whirs when engaging

04 Constant velocity joint knocking and I'm too small for her.

Auntie Oaf
Finland

[bowler]

I think Mrs Powergusset should sell the Cortina and buy a Daihatsu Copen.

[Ian McC]

Welcome to the wonderful and frightening world of the inside of Oily's mind.

Remember boys and girls, never feed the Oaf :p : :D

[Gibbsy]

You should definitely turn your disjointed ramblings into a book one day oily.

Im sure there is an international best seller inside your head.

[CharlieJ]

May I refer to another thread?

Is there a God?

Could any being actually imagine, and then create, the mighty Oaf? I think not! Ergo... no God.

On the other hand... it is inconceivable that such a creature, that defies all scientific theory and logic, could evolve naturally.

:confused:

:uhoh:

[oily oaf]

You should definitely turn your disjointed ramblings into a book one day oily.

Im sure there is an international best seller inside your head.

You cheesy navelled, hairy eared Antipodean scum Gibbo (no offence mate)
Surely you're aware of my blockbusting best seller "Sex And The Circlip Pliers"
A haunting heart wrenching account of a naive young Honda technician and his tentative journey into sexual awakening.
It recounts in lurid detail how our young hero aged just 37 was approached in a dusty street market in downtown Dar Es Salaam by a pasty-faced sleazy Arab carpet salesman named Ali Aqbal Eki who sells him some contraband grumble photographs of ladies with no clothes on.
To his utter astonishment he discovers that members of the opposite species are devoid of "A little soldier" and posess instead a type of penny in the slot arrangement
The novel then covers the next decade as he embarks on a series of surreptitious attempts to end up QUIDS IN by invariably leaving a HEFTY DEPOSIT.
It was warmly greeted by the worlds literati and the following are just a few of the glowing testimonials published in the international literary media:

A searing, heartwarming epic. Tinged with tragedy and yet redolent with the all pervading stench of automatic transmission fluid - Your Very First Cut Out Colouring Book Bugle.

Gertcha! You cowsun! The geezer's a right down wrong un and probably a bleedin' "Iron Hoof" to boot - Times Higher Educational Supplement

I can't read - South London Press

Filthy degrading smut! Burn him! Face up.......in his inspection pit - Salvation Army Warcry

Blub blub blub blub blubalub blub - Lloyd Bridges Seahunt Blare.

Pardon? Ouch! Pardon? Aieeeeee! - Deaf Rheumatic Clarion.

Order now while stocks last. £257.95p from all good grumble shops. Mail order only

Disclaimer:
I'm a half-witted tool of the very very highest order without the sense I was born with. I realise I will receive nothing by return of post and any complaint will lead to a right tasty shoeing round the back of a pub of my own choice.
I am going on holiday between .. .. .. and .. .. .. and I will leave my house keys under a flowerpot/hanging from a piece of string behind my letterbox.
signed.........

[Eki]

I am a 43 year old woman and my husband is 49.
About 3 weeks ago I set out for work in my battered Ford Cortina as usual but unfortunately a few hundred yards up the road it conked out and wouldn't restart.
I walked back home to get some help from my husband only to find him parading in front of the mirror in full make up and wearing my clothes and underwear.
When I confronted him he broke down and wept insisting it was a one off spur of the moment thing and would never happen again.
I'm not so sure however as 4 days ago I discovered a horde of ladies' scanties and a wig in his tool box.
He now refuses to go to work, hardly eats and is prone to bouts of crying and depression, often threatening to take his own life.
I still love him deeply despite his odd habits and desperately want him restored to his old cheerful self.
Can any of you please help me as I'm at the end of my tether with worry and just can't see a way out for us both.

Yours faithfully
Enid Powergusset
Leighton Buzzard
Dear Mrs Oaf,

You should create your own account instead of using your husband's. And you could as well post using your real name and age, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

[oily oaf]

Please PLEASE help me!

I'm a 57 year old unemployed man with an 18 year old Filipino bride.
Last Wednesday I was woken from my sleep in the early hours of the morning by the sound of water dripping onto the roof of my porch.
I went downstairs to investigate only to be drawn by muffled sounds coming from the lounge.
Upon entering my jaw dropped as I was confronted by the sight of my young wife rolling around on the carpet with a rather large coloured gentleman.
Their clothes were scattered all over the furniture and a roaring log fire was burning in the hearth. I suppose to them it must have seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
I slunk from the room without letting them see that they'd been observed and climbed dejectedly back into bed whereupon I'm afraid I blubbed shamelessly.
Since that dreadful night I have attempted suicide on 5 separate occasions and I'm also ashamed to admit that I've been terribly offhand with the cat.
Any help and advice that you can give me at this awful time will be greatly appreciated as I don't think I can go on living in this wretched state any longer.

Yours etc
Ned Herniabriefs
Wigan

[oily oaf]

Don't despair Ned as this is a very common problem especially with older houses.
It sounds like the ball valve in the loft cistern has failed, preventing the shutoff of water into the tank from the pressurised rising main.
A handy repair kit is available from any plumber's merchant or alternatively for about 7 pounds you can purchase a new valve and shutoff arm assembly.
Don't forget to turn off the supply from the mains stopcock before you remove the faulty one though Ned as the last thing you need is a collapsed ceiling what with your missus getting a portion from another chap while you're trying to get your head down of a night. Am I right? :)

Good luck fella and dont hesitate to call one of the following Freephone numbers if you find yourself in a similar plight.

0898111

01 Frozen pipe tips and addicted to porn

02 Compression or capillary joint and suspicious rash on wife's genitalia

03 Incontinent at just 22 and bending pipework in confined spaces

04 Plumbing in a new WC and lipstick on his underpants

To avoid embarrassment these calls will appear on your phone bill as "Depraved Hardcore Filth"
Your calls will be charged at £5,989 per second and double that when there's a D in the day.

Bernie Seahunt "Plumber to the stars"
Hollywood