oily oaf
23rd April 2007, 10:19
Are any of you Super Heroes with astonishing powers? I know I am.
I am finally lifting the lid on my alter ego as I've been coming in for some rather unwarranted and even salacious critism recently in this forum and I feel it's only fair to advise my tormentors. no names, no pack drill, Gannex, Mark In Location Doubtful, Curryhead etc, that they are not dealing with a mere mortal when they hurl their barbed "witticisms" and scornful jibes in my direction.
Oh no my friends because what these unwitting dolts fail to realise is that I'm no ordinary well hung mechanical love God but actually a crime busting super hero whose astounding powers defy human understanding.
For you see you snivelling wretches you are dealing with none other than Fashion Disaster Beef Stock Warrior!!!! :mad:
Jettisoned from my dying planet Mahstew (a crisp five pounds to the first genius to spot the anagram) in a heatproof condom (ribbed for my pleasure)
I landed in Finland where I was raised by a kindly old sub human couple called Eki and Hotbikerchic who schooled me in many foreign languages including textspeak and gave me my enduring and lifelong fascination with the private parts of Reindeer and Caribou.
When I reached puberty I became aware that I wasn't like the other boys at school in that whenever I found myself under stress I would seek out the nearest phone box and once inside change into hideously mismatched clothing and accessories before filling a powerful water pistol with scalding beef stock which I would conceal in my utility suspenders before going up to people and spraying them in the face with it.
After serving a number of custodial sentences in young offender's institutions I decided to use my powers only for the good of mankind and to fight crime in all its guises wherever I found it.
I moved to East London to be nearer the pie and mash shops and constructed a "Jelled Eel Restaurant Of Solitude" just off the Barking Road where I spent countless lonely hours honing my astonishing powers until at last I was faster than a speeding shopping trolley, more powerful than a Renault starter motor and was able to leap tall gibbons at a single bound.
Finally the call came that I had waited all my life for. A garbled text message from my surrogate mother in Serbo Croat and Ancient Swahili alerted me that a man in Oshawa had glued mirrors to his toecaps and was hanging around bus stops trying to look up men's trouser legs.
I knew there was no time to lose and rushed into a phone booth in Vallance Road where i quickly donned a sequined, pink, button down ladies blouse, matched with a pair of knee length khaki safari shorts accesorised with grey diamond socks and a pair of peep toed Jesus sandals. Filling my plastic weapon with boiling beef stock I brought my entire repertoire of powers to the fore by hailing a taxi to the airport before climbing aboard a budget Easyjet flight to Oshawa during which I ate 3 dodgy in flight shepherds pies with peas and carrots and 10 pints of fizzy lager for I knew that my foe was a cunning and powerful adversary with mighty powers of his own including the ability to scoff chunky chocolate bars in the cab of his 60 ton truck whilst listening to country music on his CB radio.
Within an incredible 10 hours 47 minutes which included 4 hours in baggage reclaim I reached my destination only to learn that my nemesis had foiled me by lying about his whereabouts and was actually in a Tibetan gay bar knocking back pink gin and canapes with the Dalai Llama.
In sheer frustration and rage I blasted a passing wheelchair bound invalid with skin blistering beef stock before slipping into a bright puce smoking jacket set off by a lime green sarong and fishnet cowboy boots before striding purposefully to the airport.
Next Week:
I do battle with my old arch enemy and raincoat wearing advocate Gannex in his other little known, terrifying guise of Dodgy Tie Wearing Vegetable Soup Man :eek:
Don't touch that dial :batman:
I am finally lifting the lid on my alter ego as I've been coming in for some rather unwarranted and even salacious critism recently in this forum and I feel it's only fair to advise my tormentors. no names, no pack drill, Gannex, Mark In Location Doubtful, Curryhead etc, that they are not dealing with a mere mortal when they hurl their barbed "witticisms" and scornful jibes in my direction.
Oh no my friends because what these unwitting dolts fail to realise is that I'm no ordinary well hung mechanical love God but actually a crime busting super hero whose astounding powers defy human understanding.
For you see you snivelling wretches you are dealing with none other than Fashion Disaster Beef Stock Warrior!!!! :mad:
Jettisoned from my dying planet Mahstew (a crisp five pounds to the first genius to spot the anagram) in a heatproof condom (ribbed for my pleasure)
I landed in Finland where I was raised by a kindly old sub human couple called Eki and Hotbikerchic who schooled me in many foreign languages including textspeak and gave me my enduring and lifelong fascination with the private parts of Reindeer and Caribou.
When I reached puberty I became aware that I wasn't like the other boys at school in that whenever I found myself under stress I would seek out the nearest phone box and once inside change into hideously mismatched clothing and accessories before filling a powerful water pistol with scalding beef stock which I would conceal in my utility suspenders before going up to people and spraying them in the face with it.
After serving a number of custodial sentences in young offender's institutions I decided to use my powers only for the good of mankind and to fight crime in all its guises wherever I found it.
I moved to East London to be nearer the pie and mash shops and constructed a "Jelled Eel Restaurant Of Solitude" just off the Barking Road where I spent countless lonely hours honing my astonishing powers until at last I was faster than a speeding shopping trolley, more powerful than a Renault starter motor and was able to leap tall gibbons at a single bound.
Finally the call came that I had waited all my life for. A garbled text message from my surrogate mother in Serbo Croat and Ancient Swahili alerted me that a man in Oshawa had glued mirrors to his toecaps and was hanging around bus stops trying to look up men's trouser legs.
I knew there was no time to lose and rushed into a phone booth in Vallance Road where i quickly donned a sequined, pink, button down ladies blouse, matched with a pair of knee length khaki safari shorts accesorised with grey diamond socks and a pair of peep toed Jesus sandals. Filling my plastic weapon with boiling beef stock I brought my entire repertoire of powers to the fore by hailing a taxi to the airport before climbing aboard a budget Easyjet flight to Oshawa during which I ate 3 dodgy in flight shepherds pies with peas and carrots and 10 pints of fizzy lager for I knew that my foe was a cunning and powerful adversary with mighty powers of his own including the ability to scoff chunky chocolate bars in the cab of his 60 ton truck whilst listening to country music on his CB radio.
Within an incredible 10 hours 47 minutes which included 4 hours in baggage reclaim I reached my destination only to learn that my nemesis had foiled me by lying about his whereabouts and was actually in a Tibetan gay bar knocking back pink gin and canapes with the Dalai Llama.
In sheer frustration and rage I blasted a passing wheelchair bound invalid with skin blistering beef stock before slipping into a bright puce smoking jacket set off by a lime green sarong and fishnet cowboy boots before striding purposefully to the airport.
Next Week:
I do battle with my old arch enemy and raincoat wearing advocate Gannex in his other little known, terrifying guise of Dodgy Tie Wearing Vegetable Soup Man :eek:
Don't touch that dial :batman: