There was this one time.....

[555-04Q2]

at band camp.....

[henners88]

and I was like....

[gadjo_dilo]

a vergin and...

[555-04Q2]

I saw this hot chick...

[Rudy Tamasz]

And she gave me that kinda look...

[SGWilko]

and I fumbled to get my trumpet out...

[gadjo_dilo]

but she turned back and...

[555-04Q2]

realised my trumpet hadn't been polished for weeks...

[Starter]

so I got out a can of mother's.....

[555-04Q2]

to see if I could buff it quickly...

[SGWilko]

And that's when the 'ProjectYew Tree' police squad nicked me.....

[schmenke]

and brought me to...

[gadjo_dilo]

a haunted house where....

[Starter]

I didn't have a ghost of a chance to....

[schmenke]

play my trumpet because...

[Starter]

I hadn't taken any notes in music class....

[gadjo_dilo]

and anyway nobody was interested in my performance so....

[D-Type]

I put away my trumpet and got out my ....

[schmenke]

banjo which...

[steveaki13]

was bigger than anyone else's. So...........

[D-Type]

the young lady screamed and ...

[Starter]

her teeth fell out, so I guess she wasn't as young as....

[555-04Q2]

she said she was, but she was still a bit of a looker.....

[SGWilko]

...because of the beer goggles....

[D-Type]

... and the subdued lighting ...

[Starter]

which cast a pale green glow over her skin, or maybe it was the color in the tattoo on her left buttock which....

[anfield5]

was of my trumpet...

[D-Type]

... because both made the same sound ...

[Starter]

like a whale in heat or....

[555-04Q2]

a penguin with severe laryngitis.....

[anfield5]

with a trumpet...

[gadjo_dilo]

that sounds like a rat that has been sunked in a hot oil bath....

[555-04Q2]

but she still knew how to blow my trumpet.....

[SGWilko]

..and played the tune to......

[555-04Q2]

"Getting Bigger By The Second" performed by.....

[SGWilko]

...Love Truncheon and the Polished Bishops.....

[555-04Q2]

who are famed for their band camp performances....

[SGWilko]

...and their ability to shove their trumpets.......

[555-04Q2]

in places just like that great song says, "Where the sun don't shine".......

[SGWilko]

...ah, Wales, such a lush country, isn't it.......

[555-04Q2]

full of band camps and horny vixens with flutes who.....

[gadjo_dilo]

-----

[D-Type]

... despite their national reputation, the Welsh do prefer to sheep and rugby ...

[Starter]

or both at the same time, which brings up....

[schmenke]

the question of their trumpts which...

[D-Type]

.. defies the imagination unless ...

[anfield5]

you play them with gusto.....

[Starter]

and his brother Horatio who both play cymbals while....

[555-04Q2]

balancing trumpets on their heads.....

[anfield5]

one time at band camp.....

[D-Type]

the chief instructor was tone deaf ...

[anfield5]

but that was ok because...

[Starter]

the trumpets were digital and....

[D-Type]

he could count on his fingers ...

[555-04Q2]

while still holding his musical notes....

[SGWilko]

....using Lotus Notes FFS!.....

[555-04Q2]

which is a sign of modern times as.....

[schmenke]

the Welsh are not known for ...

[anfield5]

trumpet playing..

[Starter]

in the privy or....

[D-Type]

on the hillside ...

[schmenke]

however they do enjoy...

[D-Type]

singing out a welcome ...

[Starter]

Matt, how are you, you....

[donKey jote]

big fat donkey...

[D-Type]

with a trumpet ...

[anfield5]

at band camp...

[Starter]

horning in on other people's gigs, so....

[555-04Q2]

the donkey was checking out the band camp girls when.....

[donKey jote]

Billy came along and...

[555-04Q2]

lifted their skirts which brought screams of.....

[gadjo_dilo]

prudish mothers who.....

[555-04Q2]

tried to swat donkey with a trumpet.....

[gadjo_dilo]

but failed lamentably cos....

[555-04Q2]

they were looking at donkeys......

[schmenke]

cart because it was full of...

[gadjo_dilo]

women lingerie......

[donKey jote]

and dirty socks...

[gadjo_dilo]

whose smell had the effect of a chemical weapon....

[D-Type]

except on the Welsh who were immune because ....

[gadjo_dilo]

that smell was familiar to them cos....

[anfield5]

of the way the wind...

[SGWilko]

carries the smell of Rarebit....

[555-04Q2]

which is used for the....

[SGWilko]

national dish - of course, which is made from.....

[Starter]

old tires and chicken livers seasoned with....

[gadjo_dilo]

smoked pork skin and...

[555-04Q2]

a slight dash of curry powder which....

[SGWilko]

...can lead to trumpeters block....

[gadjo_dilo]

except for the Welsh people to whom it's a real aphrodisiac..

[555-04Q2]

which explains why no one can understand them when they talk...

[schmenke]

except on Sundays when...

[gadjo_dilo]

they don't talk at all cos'...

[D-Type]

they're busy chasing strumpets ...

[Starter]

who were amputees and being stumpy strumpets they....

[Tazio]

were on George Zimmerman’s speed dial, because no fully ambulatory strumpet would...

[schmenke]

feel safe without...

[SGWilko]

using a condom to......

[Tazio]

enjoy a proper bat mitzvah as we know that Jewish Welsh Princess's are renounced for...

[SGWilko]

their trumpet blowing....

[D-Type]

to summon their sheep-chasing boyfriends ...

[gadjo_dilo]

who'd better play chess instead of...

[D-Type]

rugby!

[anfield5]

because rugby is sooooooo boring...

[Tazio]

but not as boring as F1 has become. Maybe they should...

[SGWilko]

change it to Wacky Races instead, and then.....

[gadjo_dilo]

ban them forever cos....

[SGWilko]

..Bernie finally got Penelope Pitstop in a deal brokered by his old friend....

[555-04Q2]

who happened to be a wheelbarrow mechanic in his former life....

[Tazio]

and a degenerate in his current life, Max...

[555-04Q2]

Moseley is a close friend of his and they would regularly...

[gadjo_dilo]

play the trumpet.....

[555-04Q2]

and they use lots of lubricant to ensure.....

[gadjo_dilo]

a slippery way to....

[555-04Q2]

ensure smooth sound quality came....

[schmenke]

for all to hear, however...

[555-04Q2]

when they do happen to forget their lube....

[gadjo_dilo]

they sing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JsDpoP3FoA

[schmenke]

but only once because...

[Tazio]

at their advanced ages they are likely to squirt a...

[Starter]

banana out of their trumpet and....

[gadjo_dilo]

fall asleep in the arms of....

[schmenke]

a Welshman which would be most embarrassing if it wasn't for...

[555-04Q2]

a schmenke standing next to them in a tight red speedo.....

[gadjo_dilo]

watching imperturbably the lovey dovey couple who.....

[555-04Q2]

while trying to look inconspicuous.......

[gadjo_dilo]

set the tongues wagging although.....

[555-04Q2]

they are no strangers to controversy as.......

[SGWilko]

...schmenke's budgie smugglers lay testament....

[555-04Q2]

to rampant trumpet crime being committed in.....

[SGWilko]

..the church pulpet involving the lead choir and the.....

[555-04Q2]

Bishops daughter who was fronting for the.....

[SGWilko]

Archbishop.....

[Starter]

rabbi and imam, while they....

[SGWilko]

propped up the bar at..........

[schmenke]

the local pub drinking...

[SGWilko]

from trumpets, because......

[Tazio]

that is how they are served at the Golden Cross Pub in Cardif where everyone drinks Cosmos as it is a nortorious hangout for ...

[SGWilko]

..shepherds....

[schmenke]

and their...

[Starter]

betrothed who....

[anfield5]

play the trumpet....

[D-Type]

passionately and skilfully ...

[anfield5]

with a water melon...

[Tazio]

scented can of FDS close at hand in case...

[Starter]

the police should stop by and....

[555-04Q2]

try and confiscate their trumpets before they get a chance to......

[donKey jote]

blow them while ....

[555-04Q2]

causing mass global warming with their hot air...

[Starter]

which means stock in balloon companies is rising while....

[D-Type]

politicians (professional generators of hot air) fear for their jobs ....

[Tazio]

being taken by other blowhard politicians who are...

[Starter]

bent over to receive gratuities from those with money and trumpets which....

[Tazio]

provide golden notes that...

[Starter]

fall sharply flat while by all accords....

[Tazio]

Built by the Honda Co. blow major trumpet,
Billy's misses blows Phleglehorn, as well as trumpet! and works for half the money

[gadjo_dilo]

her talent being exploited by her greedy man....

[Tazio]

Donkey Jote, who took her to Pamplona for the festival of Sanfermines, and forced her to participate in encierro, hoping it would improve...

[Starter]

her lumbago, which....

[gadjo_dilo]

prevented her from playing the blowing instruments like a maestro and...

[D-Type]

produced a sound like a Welsh sheep which was ...

[gadjo_dilo]

trimmed against her will although....

[Tazio]

it is an ancient Welsh ritual meant to appease...

[D-Type]

the rugby referee although ...

[Starter]

he prefers beans and squash to peas because....

[555-04Q2]

beans help you pass wind easier which is critical for....

[gadjo_dilo]

protection of environment, an issue that....

[555-04Q2]

some people seem to take too seriously considering that...

[schmenke]

the amount of beans consumed by the Welsh...

[Starter]

are huge compared to the number delivered in a typical baseball season by errant pitchers who....

[D-Type]

stand on a mound of something to play their sport ...

[gadjo_dilo]

just the way they play their trumpets and making...

[Tazio]

...a living like Ted Lewis "The Pitching Professor" from Machynlleth who retired after 5 years with the Boston Beaneaters to be a full time professor of agriculture at Columbia University, where he experimented with livestock, specifically feeding sheep nothing but beans. Rumor has it that...

[Starter]

was how Woolite was developed as a substitute for liquid spam which is....

[gadjo_dilo]

a shameless lie because.....

[555-04Q2]

it's really developed by homeless rednecks in the southern parts of the USA....

[D-Type]

to deal with the effects of too much moonshine ...

[555-04Q2]

which makes Welshmen go blind and virgins......

[Starter]

run from Richard Branson because....

[555-04Q2]

he is known for chasing virgins and....

[Tazio]

....and is still hoping some day he will catch one. Untill then he seems satisfied with his Scottish strumpet who used to...

[schmenke]

eating beans with British aristocrats while...

[gadjo_dilo]

scratching their backs with a brush made of...

[schmenke]

moose hair obtained from...

[gadjo_dilo]

hunting polar bears at the North Pole although.......

[D-Type]

putting their pictures on aeroplanes so that ...

[Starter]

they can be seen because no one goes to post offices anymore....

[D-Type]

except to send off their applications for band camp ...

[555-04Q2]

which are rejected on the grounds.....

[schmenke]

of insufficient trumpet experience, although...

[555-04Q2]

you get experience and then you get Experience which......

[D-Type]

we can't discuss on a family forum ....

[Starter]

at least not without using strange words like....