As Oily Always Says On A Friday Night

[oily oaf]

An Irish fella strolls into a shoe shop and picks out a set of wellies.

"Why have these wellies got an L on one boot and an R on the other" he enquires of the assistant.

"Well now" replies the salesman "L is for left and R is for right"

"Jaysus" says Shamus "I always wondered why the missus had C and A marked in her knickers"

Say what you like boys and girls but the old 'uns are still the best.
Am I right? :(

I'm here 'till Boxing Day :mad:

[Ian McC]

I'm here 'till Boxing Day :mad:

That will make GordonGurus day then ;)

[Donney]

So have you asked the missus? :p :

[RaikkonenRules]

That will make GordonGurus day then ;)

Speaking of GordonGuru, she hasn't been around since Oily Oaf's attempt at pulling her :laugh:

[grassrootsracer]

Oh, she's back, Raikk.

[jim mcglinchey]

Speaking of GordonGuru, she hasn't been around since Oily Oaf's attempt at pulling her :laugh:

"speaketh of the devil, and he ( she ) will appear". Leviticus, 3, 23.

[Ian McC]

"speaketh of the devil, and he ( she ) will appear". Leviticus, 3, 23.

speaketh of the devil, and the shipping forecast will appear". Oilyus, 8.24 (pm)

[viper_man]

I like it, Oily. I think we should make this into the new joke thread.

Heres my effort:

I had a dream last night I was flying an aeroplane.

I woke up and realised Id left the landing light on.

English people only may get that one, and luckily Im not here all week.

Do better if you can.

[oily oaf]

I like it, Oily. I think we should make this into the new joke thread.

Here's my effort:

I had a dream last night I was flying an aeroplane.

I woke up and realised Id left the landing light on.

English people only may get that one, and luckily I'm not here all week.

Do better if you can.

Hehehehehe I don't know why mate but that one really tickled me.
You gotta love those dozy play on words jokes doncha? :D

BTW for those of you too young or just too damn foreign to understand my hilarious jape, C&A were a ladies and gents outfitters now sadly defunct who foisted their questionable wares on an unsuspecting British public for many years.
My old mum told me that the initials stood for "coats and 'ats. Trouble was I believed 'er :(

Incidentally the Irish fella took the boots back the following day and asked if they could make the bit of string that joined 'em together a bit longer as it was taking him too long to get to the pub.

To all the lovely Irish people that frequent this forum......and Jimbo :mad: Please insert your hilarious mickey taking English jokes here................
Don't worry guys I can take it :(
(curls into foetal ball and snivels pathetically)

Righto here's a few more for ya, creaking with age but no less funny for all that.

PATIENT: Doctor one day I think I'm a wigwam and the next I'm convinced I'm a bivouac.

DOCTOR: You know what your trouble is mate. You're too tense.

PATIENT: Doc I keep getting custard and bits of sponge coming out of my ears.

DOC: Don't worry about it squire. You're just a trifle deaf


DOCTOR (to colleague) 'ere I had a patient in here yesterday who had a bunch of fivers sticking out of her earoles.

COLLEAGUE: Blimey mate sounds like she had her rent in 'er ears.


PATIENT: Doc I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball

DOC: Oi get to the end of the queue

"Taxi, coat and loaded pistol for Mr Oaf"

(bows deeply as coins and bottles bounce off unprotected bonce)

[fandango]

What's brown and sticky?




A stick.

[Ian McC]

Why are hill farmers queer?

Because they keep mountain goats.


:erm:

[Powered by Cosworth]

What do mexicans have under their carpet?

Underlay!

...

[escortg3]

A horse walks in to a bar,

Barman says, Why the long face.





.Sorry.

[escortg3]

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar,

Barman says, What`s this, some kind of joke? :D


.

[Ian McC]

The Mexian fireman with two sons

Jose


and Jos b


Hmm, that doesn't work so well in print :uhoh:

[oily oaf]

Here's a few more rib ticklers to have you rolling on the ground with mirth.......or not :mad:

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Geezer takes his dog to the vet because it's cross eyed.
The vet picks him up and examines his eyes then his teeth followed by his ears
"Sorry mate" says he "but I'm going to have to put him down"

"What just because he's cross eyed?" exclaims the stunned owner

"No because he's bleedin' heavy" came the reply


A fella's walking towards a young girl when all of sudden a gust of wind blows her skirt over her head.
"It's a bit airy" remarks our hero

"Sorry" she replies "The batteries ran out on me Ladyshave"

Finally a timelessc lassic from the late great cockney comedian of the 1930's Max (The Cheeky Chappie) Miller.

"I was crossing a narrow footbridge when a lovely young lady met me halfway coming from the opposite direction.
Blimey I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss meself off".

(Picks up hat and cane and dances off stage left)

I'll be here until the trump of bloody doom

carry on :mad:

[schmenke]

A bloke walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.
Doc says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

[oily oaf]

A bloke walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.
Doc says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

I see that not content with exposing your most intimate bodily particles at parties you are also hell bent on dragging my once proud and noble thread into the murky depths of the sewer.

PS Loved the first one.........................................In 1979 :mad:

[schmenke]

I see that not content with exposing your most intimate bodily particles at parties you are also hell bent on dragging my once proud and noble thread into the murky depths of the sewer...

Au contraire my anecdotely-challenged friend... The previous post was an effort to elevate this thread to minimum quality standards :mad: . Not sure that I succeeded, though... :erm:

[oily oaf]

Au contraire my anecdotely-challenged friend... The previous post was an effort to elevate this thread to minimum quality standards :mad: . Not sure that I succeeded, though... :erm:

Hey you gave it your best shot and that's what counts :)

Just don't give up the day job baby ;)

[oily oaf]

Bloke and his girlfriend go on a skiing holiday
When they get to the log cabin the geezer says "I'll just nip out and get some wood for the fire love"
When he gets back he says to his bird "Blimey love my hands are freezing"
"Never mind says she "just put them between my thighs and they'll soon warm up"
So he puts his mitts between her thighs and sure enough a few minutes later he's warm as toast
Next morning they wake up and the fires gone out.
"I'll go and chop some more wood" announces our hero
When he returns he's blue with cold
"Gawd 'elp us" he says "My bloody hands are numb with cold love"
"Shove 'em between my thighs again" says his beloved "I'll soon have you right"
Later that evening the bloke says "I think I'll just nip out and cut some more kindling as I don't want to run out again" so off he goes
He comes in a bit later shaking like a $hitting dog with the cold.
Brrrrrrrrrr he cries "I feel as if my bloody hands are dropping off"
The girl looks at him with a face like thunder and yells "For Gawds sake Bill Don't your bleedin' ears ever get cold?"

(Runs off stage dodging hail of bottles and rotten fruit)

[Ian McC]

Another Friday night in Oily? :p :

[Daz]

A guy see's a lovely lady in a night club, so walks over and says "the name names Bond"
She replies "let me guess James Bond"
He says "no Unibond, I've come to fill your crack"

[schmenke]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Mark in Oshawa]

Schmenke, you are trying to raise the Bar, but I suspect Oaf will just do a limbo under it! I have never seen the Oaf not try to lower a bar, but that is ok, it is his unique talent.

[btracer]

I used to support Pencil United.

But they always drew.

[Ian McC]

Schmenke, you are trying to raise the Bar, but I suspect Oaf will just do a limbo under it! I have never seen the Oaf not try to lower a bar, but that is ok, it is his unique talent.


Yeah, Oily always seems to be going down.............. :erm:

[schmenke]

Yeah, Oily always seems to be going down.............. :erm:

Careful, the 'ol git apparently has quite a big spanner... :uhoh:

[oily oaf]

Careful, the 'ol git apparently has quite a big spanner... :uhoh:

Been chatting to one or 2 of my former conquests have we mate? ;)

Right now for some more rib tickling repartee.

Fella goes to visit a "lady of the night"
"I hope you don't mind love" says he "But I've got a rather unusual fetish"
"Don't worry Dearie" she retorts I've heard it all in my time love"
"The thing is" says the geezer "The only way I can perform in the bedroom is if the weather conditions are particularly bad so I was wondering if you'd mind stepping into the bathroom so that we can simulate storm like conditions"
Well she's a bit taken aback by the proposal but gamely agrees to play along.
When they get into the bathroom the bloke asks her to get into the shower wearing a plastic mac and a sowester whereupon he turns on the shower full blast and then starts flicking the light switch on and off furiously whilst banging on a big drum.
"Phwoooar" he exclaims "That's just the job that is"
"Righto" says she "Would you like to have sex with me now?"
"WHAT" he bellows "In this bloody weather?"

Today a humble motorsport forum. Tomorrow The London Palladium ;)

[Ian McC]

Today a humble motorsport forum. Tomorrow The London Palladium ;)

I think it is more likely to be 'today a humble motorsport forum. Tomorrow a humble motorsport forum' :p :

[Brown, Jon Brow]

New signature ;)

[Captain VXR]

Three missionaries were captured by a hostile cannibal tribe who put them in a cooking pot filled with water and lit a fire underneath. After a while one of the missionaries starts laughing uncontrollably. One of the other missionaries asks:
"What could be so funny at a time like this; they're going to eat us!" To which the laughing missionary says:
"I just pi$$ed in the soup!"

John was on a holiday in an exotic rainforest when he asked the tour guide:
"Are there any cannibals here?"
The guide replied:
"No, we ate the last one on tuesday."

[oily oaf]

Geezer goes to the doctors as he's feeling a bit dodgy.
After an examination the doc says "Look I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news, you don't have long to live"
"Oh Gawd" says the fella "How long have I got doc?"
"Ten" says the quack
"Ten what?" he replies "Ten years, ten months, ten weeks?"
The doctor interrupts "Nine"

Ba Dum Tish! (runs off stage left twirling cane and lifting straw boater repeatedly from bonce)

[schmenke]

A bloke visits his doctor for a check-up.
After the examination the doctor says to the bloke "I have terrible news for you. You've got cancer."
"Oh dear lord!" the bloke gasps.
"That's not all" the doctor continues, "You've also got alzheimer's disease."
"Oh well" the bloke replies, "at least I don't have cancer."




I know, I know, I'm struggling... :dozey:

[EuroTroll]

That's rather good, schmenke. :D

[Mark in Oshawa]

Studiose, he is alright for a Montreal Canadiens fan.....

[oily oaf]

Studiose, he is alright for a Montreal Canadiens fan.....

Mark old buddy. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who are incapable of spelling the plural of their own countries inhabitants ;)

Now go to your room and write 500 times "Must pay attention in geography class"

Yours truly Ingleesh Oaf

[EuroTroll]

Studiose, he is alright for a Montreal Canadiens fan.....

Sorry, but your regional ice hockey championship is a matter of supreme indifference to me. :p :

[Ian McC]

Friday night is curry night :D

[oily oaf]

(puts on ill fitting shiny suit and trilby and adopts best Tommy Trinder accent)

"You Lucky People"

Not one but two rib tickling offerings tonite folks :D

A doctor is pouring out his heart to one of his colleagues.
"I feel so guilty" says he
"Why's that?" his oppo replies
" I'm afraid I've slept with one of my patients" he admits
"Listen my son says his colleague "You won't be the first doctor to give in to temptation and you certainly won't be the last"
"Yeah you're probably right" he concedes "But I sometimes think I'm just not cut out to be a vet"

Geezer's watching telly with his missus when he suddenly jumps to his feet and announces.
"Come on girl get yer coat on I'm going down the pub"

"Oh lovely" says she "Are you taking me with you tonight?"

"No" says the fella "I'm gonna turn the heating off before I go out"

I'm here till the pie and mash shop opens :mad:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Who is Tommy Trinder? :confused:

[schmenke]

I was wondering when you'd show up Oily ;) :D

Not to be outdone by our forum comedian extaordinaire (not that I could compete with his quality chronicles anyways), I humbly offer this yarn of wit…

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Irish border.

Checkpoint Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts with disbelief "Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry five persons".

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!".

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."







:mark:








:uhoh:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

I was wondering when you'd show up Oily ;) :D

Not to be outdone by our forum comedian extaordinaire (not that I could compete with his quality chronicles anyways), I humbly offer this yarn of wit…

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Irish border.

Checkpoint Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts with disbelief "Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry five persons".

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!".

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."




So how many people can you get in a Peugeot 205 then? :confused:

[Eki]

So how many people can you get in a Peugeot 205 then? :confused:
Lot less than in a SAAB 9000.

[Knock-on]

So how many people can you get in a Peugeot 205 then? :confused:

Not as many as a 206.

Boom, Boom.

------

The police have just caught an Irish Looter on Branscombe Beach making off with 3 tons of sand and a sack of pebbles.


----------

Just my luck!!

Went down to Branscombe Beach today to see what I could scav from the shipwreck.

Blow Me I thought, an unopened container, so I prised it open and 50 Illegal Immigrants jumped out,

------

Coat please.

[oily oaf]

Who is Tommy Trinder?

You ignorant young whippersnapper :mad:

Tommy was a famous cockney comedian of the 1950's and 60's who always greeted his audience with the words "You Lucky People" :D

Of course I'm far too young and lovely to have ever seen the great man in the flesh but my grandad always spoke very highly of him. ;)

Schmenkey.
As a comedian you'd make a great mechanic ;)

Oi Eki! Keep outta this thread or those candid photos of you and the pre pubescent Elk are going straight onto Youtube :mad:

[oily oaf]

Knockie. The coat she is comin' riiiiiiiiiiiight up

[Gannex]

I went to the doctor last week. He said, "I think you've got bird flu."
"Are you sure?" I said. "Can I get a second opinion?"
"Sure you can. You're ugly too."

[Mark in Oshawa]

Schmenke, is that out of the same lame joke book that has the old saw about the Irish terrorist with burns on his lips?

Apparently when asked why he had burned his lips, he said he was trying to blow up the car!!!

*buddump ba*

You pick on the Irish, and they will make fools of ya every time....or themselves, anything for a laugh!!

[schmenke]

Tsk, Gannex, Mark. Quality material only please. Improvement is required.

[Knock-on]

I went to the doctor last week. He said, "I think you've got bird flu."
"Are you sure?" I said. "Can I get a second opinion?"
"Sure you can. You're ugly too."

I must of gone to the same Doctor as he said I had Bird Flu as well.

"How do you know" I asked?

"well," he replied "your parking's lousy and your late".

[Mark in Oshawa]

Schmenke..ya..quality plz....

compared to the Oaf, we are all in his shadow....

[jim mcglinchey]

Canadian guy goes to the doctors to hear the results of a few tests that theyve run on his wife
"Sit down Mr Moosehead" quoth the Quack, "now theres absolutely nothing to be worried about. Your wife, we've discovered, has acute angina"
"Fer sure, Doctor, and her t*ts aren't bad either."

[Eki]

A man was walking on a beach and found a bottle with a genie in it. The genie said he could wish what ever he wants. "Well, I want you to build a bridge between Helsinki and Tallinn", said the man. "Sounds like a lot of work. Don't you have something else", asked the genie. "Well, I've always wanted to learn how to understand the women", said the man. "OK, do you want that bridge to have two or four lanes", asked the genie.

[FrankenSchwinn]

you brits have got to stop boiling your meats.....

[Gannex]

Canadian guy goes to the doctors to hear the results of a few tests that theyve run on his wife
"Sit down Mr Moosehead" quoth the Quack, "now theres absolutely nothing to be worried about. Your wife, we've discovered, has acute angina"
"Fer sure, Doctor, and her t*ts aren't bad either."

jim! Two thumbs up! (Damn; I wish I knew how to put those emoticons in.)

So the doctor says: "Look, I'm very sorry, but the news is bad and I owe it to you to be totally honest. You haven't got long to live."

"How long?" the guy asks.

"About five minutes," says the doc, "so if there's anything I can do, please say so now."

"What do you suggest?"

"Well. . . do you like soft-boiled eggs?"


And this one's not funny, but it's short. . .

Guy's in front of a firing squad, and the squad leader offers him a last cigarette. "No thanks," he says; "I'm trying to quit."

[Gannex]

A new doctor arrives in a small town. He's the only doctor, he's single, the houses are spread far apart and he's lonely. Then to his pleasant surprise a man appears at the door and says "I understand you're the new doctor in town. I'm your nearest neighbour, Don, and I just wanted to say 'welcome'. You know, every Friday night, I organise a little get-together at my place for the locals and I thought that, since you don't know anybody yet, you might want to be included. I live at the bottom of the hill."

"What kind of get-together?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, usually we eat at around 7:30, always go through copious amounts of good wine, sometimes drugs too, depending who's there, dancing usually, and lots of casual sex."

"Well that sounds marvellous. Thank you. I'd be delighted. I'll definitely be there. Tell me, is it very formal? What should I wear?"

"Oh anything you like. It'll just be the two of us."

[schmenke]

Same doctor, same small town...

After a few days of getting to know the people he dropped into the local pub for a drink about 6 one evening. He was greeted warmly by the publican, whom he told he would like to come in each day after surgery just to unwind, one drink, read the paper, then go home.

"Absolutely," said the owner. "See that table there? From 6 each day until you leave its yours. Perhaps you'd care to stay for a home cooked dinner as well?"

The doctor agreed this sounded like a good idea. "What do you drink?" he was asked.

"Well, it's a bit unusual," replied the doctor, "but I like almond daiquiris."

"Hum," said the barman, "can't do that today, but could we start tomorrow?"

So that was agreed, and every week day for the next two weeks the doctor got his drink, his meal, the paper, and some relaxation. Just before six one day the barman realized he had forgotten to order more almond essence, and scoured the kitchen to find some - but to no avail. All he found was an old bottle of hickory essence they had used on a Christmas ham; not wanting to disappoint the doc, he thought this might do instead, so added some to the spirit and presented it to his well regarded customer.

The doctor took one sip, spluttered, and said, "What the heck is this!"

"That'" replied the barman, "is a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[koppite_rob]

How do you kill an entire circus?

Go for the juggler.

[donKey jote]

girl went tut doctor for her cold.
doctor goes to listen to her chest... "big breaths" he says, brandishing his cold stethoscope.
"yeth" she replies proudly "and I'm only thickthteen"

[RaikkonenRules]

A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.

When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.

When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.

When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."

[RaikkonenRules]

girl went tut doctor for her cold.
doctor goes to listen to her chest... "big breaths" he says, brandishing his cold stethoscope.
"yeth" she replies proudly "and I'm only thickthteen"

That was crap, DJ :p :

[Brown, Jon Brow]

When cherries are red they are ready for plucking, when girls are 16 they are ready fot Fu...... :erm:

[Knock-on]

When cherries are red they are ready for plucking, when girls are 16 they are ready fot Fu...... :erm:


Use the spell checker. It's spelt Flu ;)

[Knock-on]

*Why......?*

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


*Did you ever stop and wonder......*

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? :)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


*Stop singing and read on......* :)

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive any faster?

[Knock-on]

3 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129!" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129!" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

''Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
Sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[oily oaf]

I'm afraid I can't allow that little lot to pass without exercising the right to reply :mad:

What's black and white and can't turn round in corridors?

A nun with a spear through her neck.

God be with you all :)

[race aficionado]

What's black and white and read (red) all over?

A nun falling down the stairs.

ouch! :uhoh:

sorry . . . . :dozey:


:s mokin:

[Hotbikerchic33]

[quote="oily oaf"]An Irish fella strolls into a shoe shop and picks out a set of wellies.

"Why have these wellies got an L on one boot and an R on the other" he enquires of the assistant.

"Well now" replies the salesman "L is for left and R is for right"

"Jaysus" says Shamus "I always wondered why the missus had C and A marked in her knickers"

Say what you like boys and girls but the old 'uns are still the best.
Am I right? :(

thats a VERY old joke and it wasn't even funny then! :(

[Hotbikerchic33]

so wheres the GOOD jokes then?? aint read a single one yet!!! :mad: :rolleyes: :p :

[agwiii]

so wheres the GOOD jokes then?? aint read a single one yet!!! :mad: :rolleyes: :p :

:rotflmao:

[oily oaf]

An Irish fella strolls into a shoe shop and picks out a set of wellies.

"Why have these wellies got an L on one boot and an R on the other" he enquires of the assistant.

"Well now" replies the salesman "L is for left and R is for right"

"Jaysus" says Shamus "I always wondered why the missus had C and A marked in her knickers"

Say what you like boys and girls but the old 'uns are still the best.
Am I right? :(

thats a VERY old joke and it wasn't even funny then! :(

No No dear you're missing the point again
The whole point of this thread is that the jokes are as old as................well 40 years old at least.
Do try to keep up sweetcheeks. I know it doesn't get any easier as the years roll by.
Ah Bless :)

[oily oaf]

Well now playmates as they seem to have started without me I'd better shape up a bit lively by giving you these little blinders :(

Geezer walks up to a middle aged woman in the boozer who's having a drink with her husband.

"Do you know what?" says he "I'd like to fill your fanny with Guinness and drink the lot"

"Did you hear that Arthur?" she exclaims to her husband. "Sort 'im out"

"Sorry love" says the fella "But any man that can drink 25 pints in one go is alright with me."

(waits patiently for applause to fade)

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when all of a sudden Dracula lands on the windscreen and starts baring his teeth and snarling at 'em.

"Quick Sister Agnes" says one of the nuns "Show him your cross!"

So Aggie leans outta the window and bawls "Oi you twunt get off my my fcuking car!"

(twirls cane and drops to one knee as bow tie whirls furiously)

[oily oaf]

:rotflmao:

Alright sherrif? 'Ow's yer dad? Keeping well I hope :)

[schmenke]

A tourist from Hong Kong walks into a Sydney Exchange Bureau with HK$900 and asks for A$. The teller checks the day's rate, and hands over A$120. The grateful tourist says, "Thank velly mutch! Velly kind!" and walks off to Kings Cross.

The next day, the Hong Kong guy goes back, with another HK$900 and hands it over. The teller checks the rate, and hands over A$135. The Hong Kong guy is very happy, and quickly pockets the cash and disappears, chortling to himself, "This Aussie velly bad math. Ha, ha, ha, ha."

The following day he returns, again clutching HK$900 in crumpled notes. He hands it over to the nonchalant teller, who checks the rate, and hands over A$96.

The Hong Kong guy does a double take, recounts the notes, and fixes the teller with an incredulous stare. "Hey, Terrer, yesterday I come wif money, you give many many dorrar, ormos' One-hun'red-firty-five! Day before, you gif one-hun'red-twenny, Today you give onry nin'ey-six. Why you do to me like this?"

The teller replies calmly, "Fluctuations Sir."

The apoplectic tourist screams back, "Fluck You Aussies Too!"














:uhoh:

[oily oaf]

A tourist from Hong Kong walks into a Sydney Exchange Bureau with HK$900 and asks for A$. The teller checks the day's rate, and hands over A$120. The grateful tourist says, "Thank velly mutch! Velly kind!" and walks off to Kings Cross.

The next day, the Hong Kong guy goes back, with another HK$900 and hands it over. The teller checks the rate, and hands over A$135. The Hong Kong guy is very happy, and quickly pockets the cash and disappears, chortling to himself, "This Aussie velly bad math. Ha, ha, ha, ha."

The following day he returns, again clutching HK$900 in crumpled notes. He hands it over to the nonchalant teller, who checks the rate, and hands over A$96.

The Hong Kong guy does a double take, recounts the notes, and fixes the teller with an incredulous stare. "Hey, Terrer, yesterday I come wif money, you give many many dorrar, ormos' One-hun'red-firty-five! Day before, you gif one-hun'red-twenny, Today you give onry nin'ey-six. Why you do to me like this?"

The teller replies calmly, "Fluctuations Sir."

The apoplectic tourist screams back, "Fluck You Aussies Too!"














:uhoh:

I'm lovin' your work baby :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[RaikkonenRules]

so wheres the GOOD jokes then?? aint read a single one yet!!! :mad: :rolleyes: :p :

So why don't you see yourself to posting one then. :p :

[Mark in Oshawa]

Oaf, you cant encourage Schmenke....he might just think he is funny then...

[oily oaf]

Oaf, you cant encourage Schmenke....he might just think he is funny then...

Oi behave yerself Marky :mad:

As Shmenkey jokes go that was right up there in the pantheon of top 2 ;)

In fact so good was it that I feel stirred to momentarily lapse into the vernacular of my late great countryman Sir Winston Churchill and say this:

"If we fail to laugh at his joke then the whole world including The United States will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister and perhaps more protracted by the lights of perverted Raikkonen Rules.
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our humourous anecdotes and so bear ourselves that if The British Empire and this forum should last for a thousand years Men will still say "THIS WAS HIS FINEST HOUR"

(lights cigar whilst being borne through streets of London in triumphant motorcade and raises defiant 2 finger "victory" salute to baying mob)

[Hotbikerchic33]

most of these jokes are wayyyyyyyy to long to send as a text message!! maybe thats just aswell as i havent found a single one funny yet and most of them are yrs out of date!!!! :( :o :rolleyes:

[Mark in Oshawa]

Bikerchic, you have again, missed the point...

[oily oaf]

Bikerchic, you have again, missed the point...

Not exactly the sharpest chisel in the junior carpentry kit is she mate? ;)

[oily oaf]

Righto children it's that time again when we cast our cares and woes to the 4 winds and have a bit of a grin :D

First up try this one on for size.

A honeymoon couple retire to their suite for the night and the new bride gets into bed.
The ardent young groom tears his togs off feverishly and leaps into the sack alongside her and starts mauling her about like a good un.

Slow down a bit" says she "I want you to show some manners just like I do at the dinner table"
Somewhat abashed the young fella jumps out of bed, gets dressed again before disrobing slowly and sliding in gently beside her.
"That's better" she coos
"Good" says our hero "Now would you mind passing me the t!ts"

Thank me later :mad:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

My ride home from Preston earlier was like SPEED2 but with a Bus instead of a boat. :erm:

[schmenke]

Two men were lost in the Sahara Desert. They had gone for days without water, and were just about to give up and die when they saw something strange on the horizon. At first they thought it was just a mirage. But as they got closer they saw it was a small market set in the middle of the desert.

They staggered up to the first tent. "Water, please!" They begged.

The proprietor said he was sorry, but all he served was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding.

The two men left his tent and stumbled to the next one. Again, when they asked for water, they were told that all that was available was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding. This held true for every tent they went to.

Finally, after searching the whole place and not finding any water, they walked off, once again, into the desert in search of water.

As they left, the first man turned and said to his companion, "That was pretty odd. All they had was that fruit, cake and pudding dish."

To which the second man said, "Yes, it was a triffle bazaar."






Apologies... I'm struggling this week :uhoh:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Two men were lost in the Sahara Desert. They had gone for days without water, and were just about to give up and die when they saw something strange on the horizon. At first they thought it was just a mirage. But as they got closer they saw it was a small market set in the middle of the desert.

They staggered up to the first tent. "Water, please!" They begged.

The proprietor said he was sorry, but all he served was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding.

The two men left his tent and stumbled to the next one. Again, when they asked for water, they were told that all that was available was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding. This held true for every tent they went to.

Finally, after searching the whole place and not finding any water, they walked off, once again, into the desert in search of water.

As they left, the first man turned and said to his companion, "That was pretty odd. All they had was that fruit, cake and pudding dish."

To which the second man said, "Yes, it was a triffle bazaar."






Apologies... I'm struggling this week :uhoh:


I'd say there lack of water was a triffling matter :erm:


schmenke- you should be put in custardy for that joke!

[oily oaf]

Two men were lost in the Sahara Desert. They had gone for days without water, and were just about to give up and die when they saw something strange on the horizon. At first they thought it was just a mirage. But as they got closer they saw it was a small market set in the middle of the desert.

They staggered up to the first tent. "Water, please!" They begged.

The proprietor said he was sorry, but all he served was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding.

The two men left his tent and stumbled to the next one. Again, when they asked for water, they were told that all that was available was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding. This held true for every tent they went to.

Finally, after searching the whole place and not finding any water, they walked off, once again, into the desert in search of water.

As they left, the first man turned and said to his companion, "That was pretty odd. All they had was that fruit, cake and pudding dish."

To which the second man said, "Yes, it was a triffle bazaar."






Apologies... I'm struggling this week :uhoh:

Don't be so Goddam hard on yerself my Canadian cousin.
I love those play on words jobs :D
Your comedic star is definitely in the ascent mate :s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Alright boys here's an old un but a good un for yers.

Her Majesty The Queen is tucking in to a right royal (see what I did eh? eh?) banquet when she suddenly feels an overpowering urge to break wind.
Raising her right leg slightly she unleashes an absolute rip snorter which resonates right around the banqueting hall.
Turning to her loyal butler who is standing attentively at her right hand side she exclaims. "Jenkins Stop that!"

"Certainly Maam" he replies dutifully "Which way did it go"

(gags violently as hook encircles neck and is dragged forcibly from stage)

[schmenke]

Right Oily, time for 'ol schmenke to step in and raise the standards yet again, eh? :mad:


In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave.
He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him
of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into
earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a
huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay
vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

[oily oaf]

Right Oily, time for 'ol schmenke to step in and raise the standards yet again, eh? :mad:


In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave.
He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him
of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into
earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a
huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay
vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

Stop it mate!

I just repeated that one to the wife and she promptly repaid me by punching me repeatedly in the face :mad:

Mind you I had also simultaneously revealed that I was having a torrid affair with next doors' cat :(

The ladies eh fella?
Can't live with 'em
Can't smother 'em to death with a dead gibbon :mad:

[oily oaf]

More little jewels of jocularity and baubles of the banal from the man who will forever go down in forum history as The Prince of Puns, The Duke of The Double Entendre, The Baron of Belly laughs or if your name is Hotbikerchic "That Prat" and even more damningly "That Knob" :(
She's a cruel woman but fair. :D

Numero Uno

A dustman is collecting rubbish from a suburban street when he notices that one of the residents has neglected to leave his bin outside so he knocks on the door and a Chinaman answers.
"Where's yer bin?" enquires the council employed operative

"I bin in the kitchen cleaning worktops" replies the Chinese fella

"No no no" counters the agitated dustman "Where's yer wheelie bin?"

The Chinese fella looks down at his feet shamefacedly and says "OK I was weally
in the bathroom playing with myself"

Ba Doom Tish!

Numero Dos

An old geezer and his missus reach an agreement that whoever kicks the bucket first will contact the other from beyond the grave and reveal the secrets of the afterlife.
Well the old bloke is the first to go and sure enough a couple of nights later his old woman is lying in bed when she hears him calling softly
"Ada Ada"

"Is that you Ernie?" she says "What's it like?"

"Well says Ern "Every morning I gets up and has me breakfast, have sex then have a little turn round the golf course then I have a kip.
At lunchtime I have a good feed, have sex twice more before lazing in the sun for an hour or 2 then it's another leisurely stroll round the golf course before having sex again 4 times before bedtime."

"Blimey!" says Ada "You must be in Heaven Ern"

"Nah" says he "I've been reincarnated as a rabbit and I'm living at St Andrews"

Thank me later :mad:

Carry on.

[Brown, Jon Brow]

A marvelous bird is a pelican



It can hold as much in it's beak as it's belly can




The amount in it's beak
Will feed it for a week (drum roll starts)
















But I can't see how the hell-it-can.





:uhoh: I'll get my coat.

[donKey jote]

A hot biker chic visits London and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss The Amazing Oily."

Curious, she buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an Oily Oaf.
Suddenly the heap of coke unzips his adams, whips out his huge Black and Decker, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the Oaf is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the not-so-hot-anymore biker chic is back in London and sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Oily." She can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So she buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is brightly lit. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. Oily stands before them, then suddenly drops his insects and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing uncle Bob. The crowd goes wild!

Gobsmacked, the chic requests a meeting with him after the show. :eek:
"You're incredible," she tells Oily. "But I have to ask you: You're older now... How come you switched from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Oily Oaf, "My mince pies aren't what they used to be."

:dozey:

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif

[oily oaf]

A hot biker chic visits London and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss The Amazing Oily."

Curious, she buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an Oily Oaf.
Suddenly the heap of coke unzips his adams, whips out his huge Black and Decker, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the Oaf is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the not-so-hot-anymore biker chic is back in London and sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Oily." She can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So she buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is brightly lit. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. Oily stands before them, then suddenly drops his insects and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing uncle Bob. The crowd goes wild!

Gobsmacked, the chic requests a meeting with him after the show. :eek:
"You're incredible," she tells Oily. "But I have to ask you: You're older now... How come you switched from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Oily Oaf, "My mince pies aren't what they used to be."

:dozey:

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif

Hehehehehehehehe You're a cruel quadruped at times Donks ;)

By the way with your in depth knowledge of cockney rhyming slang I'm surprised you didn't attempt to decipher my cryptic Cockney conundrum in the "Bi Lingual Children" thread.
I mean to say with the £5.00 prize that was on offer you could have finally purchased that slinky little latex peek a boo nosebag you've had your eye on for so long.

[donKey jote]

that would be a ham & cheesy deep sea diver empire :p :

[schmenke]

I realise it's not Friday but I feel compelled to provide some relief due to the above recent anecdotes ( :s ) and post this quality tidbit (although I feel possible condemnation by the forum mods :erm: )...



A husband is feeling amourous and cuddles up to his wife. She tells him "Not tonight, honey. I have gynecologist appointment tomorrow".

A few minutes goes by and her husband taps her on the shoulder and asks "When's you're next dentist appointment?"








:uhoh:

[oily oaf]

[quote="schmenke"]I realise it's not Friday but I feel compelled to provide some relief due to the above recent anecdotes ( :s ) and post this quality tidbit (although I feel possible condemnation by the forum mods :erm: )...



A husband is feeling amourous and cuddles up to his wife. She tells him "Not tonight, honey. I have gynecologist appointment tomorrow".

A few minutes goes by and her husband taps her on the shoulder and asks "When's you're next dentist appointment?"

Ah. I can't help but notice that your penchant for being a little premature is still pretty much in evidence Schmenkie old chap.
Tell me, have you tried the "Squeeze Technique" it can be very effective in combating this sort of problem..................or so I'm reliably informed :mad:
(shuffles feet awkwardly and stares down at shoes)

However I'm prepared to overlook your "tempus fugit" aberration as I laughed until I cried at that one my friend.






















In 1987 :mad:

[oily oaf]

Good Evening

Featured below you will find 3 amusing tales of such side splitting magnitude that I would strongly advise you to slip into a pair of industrial strength incontinence pants before even contemplating reading 'em :mad:

First up:

This bodybuilding geezer (no relation) takes a young lady back to his drum for a night of furious "ladies and gentlemen"
He peels off his Dicky Dirt and flexes his huge biceps.
"See that baby?" he crows "That's 10000lbs of pure dynamite"
"Yes very nice" says the young lovely, clearly underwhelmed by his boasting
Next up he drops his strides and pumps up his mighty quadriceps.
"See them honey? That's another 1000lbs of purest TNT"
Observing the rather bored look on the face of the girl he decides to play his trump card so he drops his underpants upon which the girl shrieks with terror and starts legging it to the door a bit lively.
"What's up love?" says our hero "Too big for ya?"
"No says she "I'm $hit scared that with all that explosive and such a short fuse you were gonna blow"

Recovered? Good then I'll continue :)

A waitress in a Sushi bar goes over to take the order from a trio of Japanese business men and is horrified when she notices that all 3 are playing with themselves furiously under the table.
"What on earth are you doing?" exclaims the Oriental Miss
One of the businessmen stops his manipulations and says "Well it says on menu First come, first served"

Lastly before I retire to the Lord Rodney's Head for a schooner of dry sherry I give you this.

This fella's walking down the street when he spots one of his mates sitting on the pavement with his head in his hands crying like a baby.
"Hey what's up mate" he enquires caringly

"I've been blowing chunks" says the geezer sobbing uncontrollably

"Hey that's not so bad" his pal tells him reassuringly "We've all had a good chunder in our time. You've just had too many bevvies that's all"

"You don't understand" sobs his oppo "Chunks is my dog"

I tell ya what guys if Britney Spears had heard that little lot she'd have never shaved 'er swede FACT :cool:

Thank me later

[Brown, Jon Brow]

After that dusgusting display of filth that Oily OAf finds funny I will give you some good old jokes from the funniest guys in the world. Butchers.




A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says, "Yes".

The man says, "I bet you fifty dollars that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."

The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that".

"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.

"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

:uhoh: Sorry that was warm up one.
It gets better now.


There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe, Pepe - what happened?"....

With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... .Ugh, run , run ! ... it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush



( :( sorry for ruining this humerous thread)

[Captain VXR]

After that dusgusting display of filth that Oily OAf finds funny I will give you some good old jokes from the funniest guys in the world.
( :( sorry for ruining this humerous thread)

They were good jokes :up:

[fly_ac]

Since I missed Friday somehow I'll share today.

An elderly man had owned a large farm in South Africa in the Eastern Transvaal for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, braai
areas, and some fruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."


I tried. :s tareup: :\

[fly_ac]

I'll try again....

A "heads up" for anyone and any of your friends who may be regular Builders
Warehouse customers.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out
shopping.

Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old
girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not
to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Builders Warehouse.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having s*x with each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral s*x on
you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.



:uhoh:

[oily oaf]

They were good jokes :up:

Yes and at least he kept it clean unlike that 2 bob filthy minded reprobate who fixes other people's cars for a living.

Working class scum :mad:

Burn him!

Face up!

[oily oaf]

Fly. The first one was a good 'un, the second was very funny when I first heard it in 1975 ;)

Good job mate. Keep 'em comin' :D

[fly_ac]

Fly. The first one was a good 'un, the second was very funny when I first heard it in 1975 ;)

Good job mate. Keep 'em comin' :D

Thanks Uncle. :\

I'll try my best. :D

[schmenke]

Oh dear, I see that once again the quality of material in this thread has severely lapsed :s
In an attempt to raise the bar (once again :mad: ) I submit the following offering…


An old English farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors
from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.

Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.

After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.

"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"

"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."

"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.

"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.

"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."





Well let's see you do any better :mad:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

I made that joke up :mad: I told it to my boss who is a butcher and in return he told me the Ham-bush epic.

[donKey jote]

Well let's see you do any better :mad:

dear me, I remember hearing that one before I was born :p :

[cobre]

a man walks into pub spies blind man swinging his dog overhead by the tail and says "my god man"; what are you doing, blind man says "just having a look around". P. S. my day job is going well Thank You!.

[race aficionado]

I made that joke up :mad: I told it to my boss who is a butcher and in return he told me the Ham-bush epic.

I gather that your boss doesn't like you.

and dang it! I can't come up with a single worthwhile contribution on this bleeping thread! :mad:

[oily oaf]

Ah my friends it's the end of another gruelling weeks toil (glowers furiously and drums fingers impatiently on desk until uproarious laughter subsides) and therefore time to cast off our worldly cares and thumb our noses at the tribulations that Dame Fortune sends our way (I'm rambling again aren't I? :( )

Right without further preamble here's tonight's little corker:

Single geezer starts to feel a bit lonely living on his Todd so he nips down the local pet shop to buy himself a little companion :)

"Got any pets?" he enquires

"Sorry guv" says the proprietor "But it's been a busy week this week and I'm afraid all we've got left is a centipede"

"Okey doke" says the fella "I'll take it!"

When he gets home he puts the centipede in a cardboard box, chucks in some centipede grub and nips upstairs to have a shower.

When he's finished his ablutions and puts some fresh togs on he starts to feel a bit lively and ready for a night on the old scrimmage so he opens the centipede's box and says

"I'm off down the drinker. Fancy a skinful?"

Well the centipede doesn't answer so he repeats the question a bit more loudly.

Still no joy :(

After about 10 minutes of this the blokes at the end of his tether and sticks his head in the box and bawls at the top of his voice. "Do you want to come out for a bleedin' drink or what!"

All of a sudden a tiny voice pipes up from the box "Alright! Alright! No need to shout I heard you the first time I was just putting me ****ing boots on :mad:
"

(Lights pipe and dances off stage tipping hat repeatedly as Bugs Bunnie theme tune plays loudly)

While I'm 'ere did I ever tell you about my father?

I wouldn't say he was an unscrupulous man but when I was a nipper he made me put all my pocket money in a little box under the stairs so that I would understand the concept of saving for the future.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I realised it was the gas meter :(

[schmenke]

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."










:mark:

[donKey jote]

A donkey went to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back. Said he was disguised as a snail.
"But you've got a girl on your back, you donkey" said the schmenke.






"Well of course I have, that's Michelle"

:dozey:

;) :p : http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif

[race aficionado]

someone should call the paramedics . . . .

[Eki]

someone should call the paramedics . . . .
And a vet for the donkey in Hangover.

[race aficionado]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out,
"Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out,
"Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,
"Fire!"

[donKey jote]

someone bring me a vat, I need a hangover :p :

[Gannex]

A cowboy walks into a pharmacy in a small town in West Texas. There's a woman at the counter and the cowboy says "Ma'am, I'd like to speak to a male pharmacist if you don't mind."
"Ain't no male pharmacists here, buddy, just me and my sister. We own the place. How can I help you?"
"Well ok. It's like this. See, my problem is, I've got this permanent erection and I've got to get rid of it. It's embarrassing; it interferes with my riding; can you give me something for it?"
"Sure," says the lady. "How's about a third share of the business, a five-hundred-a-month retainer, and a company pick-up truck?"

[Brown, Jon Brow]

After tonights poor set of 'jokes' I will redeem the laughter. (in theory)


There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker, and thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you. :erm:



There was a young girl from Devizes,
who had t*ts of different sizes.
One was quite small, almost nothing at all.
But the other was big and won prizes.


I will to tell some more if you pay me :mad:

[fly_ac]

A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his
cellphone rings.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the
whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and
says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South
African".

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are
heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.

Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets
as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is
puzzled and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg
on the day he was born".

The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle
beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender
and says: "Had him circumcised boet"

[fly_ac]

A priest, a Vicar and a Rabbi all preached in the same town in America. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the evening praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".

[oily oaf]

(puts on Popeye outfit and lights pipe)

Ag ag ag ag ag ag ag.

Some quality gags there boys :D

If this carries on we'll have to take this show on the road ;)

Today York Hall Bethnal Green. Tomorrow The London Palladium.


"Not in front of the chilled wren" Why I outta :mad:

Right I'm off to fit a rear bumper and a tail light lens to a Rover 216 before bunging a new temperature sender unit onto a 1996 Ford Fiesta, so that should wipe the stupid grin from my ugly dial :(

Still on the bright side I've got a nice Ruby Murray for dinner tonight. Chicken Madras. Should be a real ring stinger :hot:

[donKey jote]

Windy Vindi for lunch today :D
Crank up the volume on your weather dial oily :)

[Ian McC]

Windy Vindi for lunch today :D
Crank up the volume on your weather dial oily :)


Yes, thank you for that image :s :p :

[schmenke]

...I will to tell some more if you pay me :mad:

I'll pay you to stop :s :p :


An oldie but one of my favs...

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[oily oaf]

Good evening :mad:

In a desperate bid to prevent Schmenkie wresting the crown of Prince of Puns, Duke of The Double Entendre, Liege Lord of Laughter and Baronet of Banal Belly Laughs from my tousled head I offer you the following side splitting tours de forces.

Geezer walks into a bar and orders 7 double scotches, so the barman lines them up on the bar and then watches in amazement as the bloke sinks them one after the other.

Blimey! says the barkeep "you certainly knocked them back a bit lively"

"So would you if you had what I've got" replies the fella

"Why what have you got? asks the barman somewhat alarmed

"50 pence" says our hero.


Next up on the Menu of Mirth

An elderly lady is strolling past a neighbours house when she spots a bloke siting in a deckchair with his feet up, swilling a can of ice cold lager while his missus is toiling up and down the lawn with a bloody great mower cutting the grass.

Burning with rage she approaches the geezer and pronounces "You should be hung!"

"I am love" he replies "That's why she gets to do all the work"

Last by by no means least a real Schmenkie buster :mad:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are having a drink up in a bar when a worried looking cowboy comes in and says "Whose white horse is that outside?"

"Mine" says the LR

"well I gotta tell ya" says the cowpoke "The poor critter looks bang in trouble. It's sweating like a good un and foaming at the mouth"

So Tonto and LR nip outside and sure enough poor old Silver is on the point of collapse due to the sweltering midday sun :(

"Tell ya what Tonto" says LR "you run round im a few times and the breeze you create will cool him down"

So Tonto starts legging it round and round the sweltering steed while the LR goes back inside the bar and carries on scrimmaging.

Half an hour later another cowboy comes in and announces "Whose white horse is that outside?"

"Mine" says LR "Don't tell me he's still too hot"

"No mate" says the stranger "I just came to tell ya that you've left your injun running"


(gags violently as long pole with hook fastens under collar causing rapid exit stage left)

[race aficionado]

schmenkie is in trouble.

Good ones oaf!

:)

[Eki]

Our hero comes back the next week and orders 9 double scotches, so the barman lines them up on the bar (he never learns). The geezer takes the first one and throws it away. Then he sinks the next seven ones but throws away the last one. The barman asks, "Why did you throw away the first and the last ones?". "Because the first one always tastes bad and the last one is always too much", said the geezer.

[oily oaf]

Cheers Race :D

If we all stick together we can overcome this vile and viciously underhand attempt by the Canadian jackanapes to usurp my crown :batman:

The only thing that worries me now is the disconcerting knowledge that Eki has a better grasp of Cockney terminology than me :(

(stubs out cigarette and picks up copy of "Foul And Abusive Language In Finnish For Beginners Volume 3")

[Brown, Jon Brow]

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully"

[Ian McC]

3 naked men in a sauna, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman. They hear a beeping sound, the American touches his arm and says that it is his pager, he has a microchip under his skin. Next a phone rings and the Japanese man lifts his palm up to his ear saying he has a microchip in his hand. The Irishman feeling very lowtech goes to the toilet and comes back with toilet paper hanging from his rear end, "Oh Jaysus" he says, "Would you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"

[Ian McC]

Paddy's in bed with the wife. The phone rings at 3am, Paddy answers and says "Why don't you ring the bloody Met office" The wife asks "Who was it?" Paddy replies "Some silly idiot asking if the coast is clear"

[donKey jote]

I'd give you a double red card for those, if I could only remember where I put them :dozey: :p :

[Eki]

Paddy's in bed with the wife. The phone rings at 3am, Paddy answers and says "Why don't you ring the bloody Met office" The wife asks "Who was it?" Paddy replies "Some silly idiot asking if the coast is clear"
I bet Paddy never saw that cummins. He should have told him to listen to the shipping forecast.

[RaceFanStan]

I'd give you a double red card for those, if I could only remember where I put them :dozey: :p :
I have a yellow card, I just got it recently. http://www.motorsportforum.com/forums/images/misc/yellowcard_small.gif
:s

Let me take this oportunity to say SORRY to anyone I insulted.

[schmenke]

Apologies for my tardiness this Friday evening.
I was just at the recycling centre, dropping off a beer bottle. But they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return."


Anyhoo, I digress. On with this week's quip...


Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland ...
... and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."

[jim mcglinchey]

Ian McC runs up to the Barman in a very agitated state and shouts. "Barman, quick, give me a pint of Guinness, Ive just had my first blow job" " "Your first blow job, eh ? " says the barman, " This calls for champagne"

" Nah " says McC " If Guinness doesnt take the taste away, then nothing will"

Har, har, Its the way I tell em.

[oily oaf]

Ian McC runs up to the Barman in a very agitated state and shouts. "Barman, quick, give me a pint of Guinness, Ive just had my first blow job" " "Your first blow job, eh ? " says the barman, " This calls for champagne"

" Nah " says McC " If Guinness doesnt take the taste away, then nothing will"

Har, har, Its the way I tell em.

Quality Jimbo :D

And there's me thinking or should that be tinkin' that you'd have the ravin' hump over the systematic character assasination of your fellow countrymen that's been going on. Fair play to yerse!

Mac's one about the fax was a little beauty BTW :s mokin:

Great stuff fellas I couldn't have done better meself........Probably ;)

[Ian McC]

Ian McC runs up to the Barman in a very agitated state and shouts. "Barman, quick, give me a pint of Guinness, Ive just had my first blow job" " "Your first blow job, eh ? " says the barman, " This calls for champagne"

" Nah " says McC " If Guinness doesnt take the taste away, then nothing will"

Har, har, Its the way I tell em.

You disgust me, if I had my way you would be banned here and now.

No chance of getting that foul stuff past my lips, you're sick.

Now, what's this blow job thing you are talking about? :erm:

[jim mcglinchey]

[quote="oily oaf"]Quality Jimbo :D

And there's me thinking or should that be tinkin' that you'd have the ravin' hump over the systematic character assasination of your fellow countrymen that's been going on. Fair play to yerse!

But the ironic thing is, me old cock sshparrer,that everyone knows that the Irish, north or south, are the smartest peeps in the whole British Isles.

Ian, I know you appreciated that.

[fly_ac]

A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story...

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary:
For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner* purchased a week of
personal training at the Virgin* health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda*, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh.t too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars* to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that b.tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading b.itch . If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn’t want dents
in the floor, she shouldn’t have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher#.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner
(the Doos), will choose a gift for me that is fun –like a root canal or a
vasectomy!!

* Names & Places changed
# No animals were harmed.

:D

[oily oaf]

With trilby tipped back on head at a rakish angle and with sharkskin incontinence trousers coquettishly lowered at half mast I give you tonight's frolicsome fare :mad:

A stern looking Mother Superior addresses the assembled convent

I'm afraid I must inform you that there is a case of gonorrhea in the convent"

"Thank Christ for that!" pipes up an elderly nun from the back "I was getting sick to death of chardonnay"



Round 2

A young fella is strolling through a secluded wood when suddenly a masked man leaps out from the trees and orders him to strip naked at gunpoint before handcuffing him to a tree and stealing his cash, credit cards and clothing.

After 10 minutes or so another bloke appears on the scene and asks the unfortunate chap what has happened.

When the young geezer has finished relating his tale of woe the fella sidles up behind him, kisses him gently on the back of his neck and says
"Sweetcheeks. This just aint gonna be your day"

[race aficionado]

See what you did Oily?
That two round punch of jokes just knocked out the wind of our fellow friday night jokesters. :mad:

totally numbed the lot.


pitty.


:s mokin:

[Eki]

There's always the next Friday.

[oily oaf]

See what you did Oily?
That two round punch of jokes just knocked out the wind of our fellow friday night jokesters. :mad:

totally numbed the lot.


pitty.


:s mokin:

Hehehehe Either that or the forum is sending me a subliminal message to clear off and take my diabolical jokes with me :burn:

[race aficionado]

Well lookyhere mister.
You do that, and we kill you.

take it or leave it.

:mad:


:s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Good Nearly Easter

Due to overwhelming public apathy I shall restrict myself to a couple of short tours de force funnies tonight folks. :D

Geezer arrives home from work to find his missus waiting for him draped provocatively over the chaise longe naked except for stockings and suspenders (garter belt to you Race)
"Tie me up" she breathes huskily "And then you can do what you like"
So he tied her up and went to the football.


A bloke's lying on the couch watching TV when his old woman bursts through the door screaming exitedly "I've won the jackpot on The Lotto start packing"

"Blimey that's brilliant love!" says he "What shall I pack? Swimming trunks? Suntan lotion? Evening wear?

"I dont give a rats arse" she bawls "Just get out!"

(runs off stage twirling hat and cane as theme tune to Bugs Bunny plays furiously)

[Eki]

A rich lady says to her butler "James, take off my dress".
James does as he's told.
"James, take off my stockings."
James does as he's told.
"James, take off my bra."
James does as he's told.
"James, take off my knickers."
James does as he's told.
"And James, the next time you wear my clothes again, you'll be looking for a new job."

[oily oaf]

A rich lady says to her butler "James, take off my dress".
James does as he's told.
"James, take off my stockings."
James does as he's told.
"James, take off my bra."
James does as he's told.
"James, take off my knickers."
James does as he's told.
"And James, the next time you wear my clothes again, you'll be looking for a new job."

:rotflmao: Not bad for a dour, sunlight deprived, reindeer tampering communist swine ;)

[schmenke]

A Midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to turn and cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side; snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[oily oaf]

A Midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to turn and cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side; snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Absolute beauty mate! :D
I tell ya what buddy after last weeks guffaw defunct desert I can see a mirth filled oasis of one liners looming large ;) .............probably :mad:

[race aficionado]

Dang!
I'm totally joke deprived and find no resources to contribute to this jolly Friday ritual.

To my disfortune some of you are making me look pretty dam stupid.

thanks! :mad:

Please continue, it's still Friday on this end of the pond and all in all, I desperately need the laughs.

carry on.

:s mokin:

[fly_ac]

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her,
the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this
so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot
reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I get away with it?

[fly_ac]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known make out spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The
cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:

"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at

night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says :"I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[oily oaf]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known make out spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The
cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:

"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at

night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says :"I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


I'm loving your work fly. Now if you could just fast forward that joke by 12 minutes....... ;)

[oily oaf]

It is with the deepest regret that I have to announce that this thread will be closed for the foreseeable future as I am on the cusp of departing for foreign climes and shall only return when one of the following eventualities has come to pass:

a) I run out of money

b) I'm deported for lewd conduct in the Portuguese Weather Bureau

or

c) I die from a terminal case of lager and aguardente poisoning and have to be shipped back in a small urn only to have my earthly remains borne through the streets of East London before a cheering throng of friends, relatives and car owners.

However before I brave the hoardes of chavsters and hopeful middle aged ladies who tend to infest the departure lounge during Holy Week I shall leave you with this final side splitting tour de force.

A dentist pulls a rather tidy young lady at a party and manages to coax her back to his apartment.
As soon as she gives him the green light he washes his hands.
He then whips off his dicky dirt and washes his hands again.
Next up he pulls his strides off and once again washes his hands.

"you're a dentist aren't ya?" says the young lady

"Indeed I am" he replies "How did you know?"

"Cos you keep washing your hands" says she.

Anyway they knuckle down to business and after he's made his cocoa the girl pipes up again

"You're a very good dentist aren't you"

Flushed with pride and post coital glee the dentist replies

"Thanks love but what makes you say that?"

"I didn't feel a thing" she exclaimed.

If I don't see you through the week I'll see you through the window chaps :D
(lights pipe, alters expiry date on cat's passport and buries head in "Your Deep Vein Thrombosis And You")

[Eki]

b) I'm deported for lewd conduct in the Portuguese Weather Bureau


See you next Friday then, oily.

[oily oaf]

See you next Friday then, oily.

Probably :(

[race aficionado]

Nothing funny here to share . . . .

but at least I can wish you Oily, a very nice time off from your chop shop, and just remember to drain the car oil from your ear, it is not alllowed into the aeroplanes now days.

Rather flammable they will say.

Enjoy! :mad:

:s mokin:

[Gurl Racer]

Oily :D Long time no spy :D

[oily oaf]

Oily :D Long time no spy :D

By the flameproof peekaboo posing pouch of Petter Solberg :eek:

It's my favourite little Kiwi fruit all growed up :)

Great to hear from you again Shortstuff. I was beginning to get worried and then someone told me that you'd stolen your Daddy's firetruck and was circumnavigating the Pacific Rim squirting dirty foreigners with Emu piss.

Be good now ya hear?
Uncle Oily ;)

[Gurl Racer]

By the flameproof peekaboo posing pouch of Petter Solberg :eek:

It's my favourite little Kiwi fruit all growed up :)

Great to hear from you again Shortstuff. I was beginning to get worried and then someone told me that you'd stolen your Daddy's firetruck and was circumnavigating the Pacific Rim squirting dirty foreigners with Emu piss.

Be good now ya hear?
Uncle Oily ;)

Haha :) I am all growed up now! Scary really, however, growing old is inevitable, growing up however, isn't ;) I'll be over your way soon, leave Auckland on August 2nd to be exact. Go through Frankfurt tho!

Good, me, always.. haha..

[Mark in Oshawa]

Well...my contribution is this:

An Amish farmer and his family are forced to go into the city to look after some business. The son and the father are sitting in a lobby of an office building, totally amazed by the size of the buildings and the bustle. They notice the doors opening in a wall, two steel doors open and people step in, and the numbers go up on lights, and later the doors open and people step in. A fat lady walks in to the doors and the little closet inside, and the lights go up, and the door opens about a minute later and a statuesque blonde walks out. The father quickly says..."Son, go bring me your mother"

[NoahsGirl]

Please accept my humble effort:

Just read an article on teh dagers of too much alcohol. Scared the beejesus out of me, so I've decided from today...no more reading.

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out.
"So what do you do?" asks Kate.
Clarkson says "I do Top Gear".
"Great", says Kate, "I'll have 4 grams please!"

I shall leave in disgrace :(

[schmenke]

Apologies for my lateness but I was a tad preoccupied the last couple of days... :s tareup:
Anyhoo, just time for a quickie as my coffee brews...

At the rum factory loading dock, all of the workers speak in verse.
It shows that rhymes fly when you're heaving rum.

:dozey:

[Eki]

Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil be done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

The mate was fixed by the bos’n’s pike
The bos’n’ brained with a marlin spike and
Cookey’s throat was marked belike It
Had been gripped by fingers ten and
There they lay all good dead men like
Break o’ day in a boozing ken__
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen men of a whole ship’s list
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum

Dead and be damned and the rest gone whist!
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

The skipper lay with his nob in gore where the
Scullion’s axe his cheek had shore
And the scullion he was stabbed times four and
There he lay and the soggy skies
Dripped all day in up-staring eyes at
Murk sunset and at foul sur-prise
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen men of ‘em stiff and stark
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Ten of the crew had the murder mark
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

‘Twas a cutlass swipe or and ounce of lead or a
Yawning hole in a battered head
and the scuppers glut with a yawning red and
There they lay aye damn my eyes
All lookouts clapped on par - a - dise all
Souls bound just con – tra – ri - wise
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen men of ‘em good and true
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Every man Jack could ha’ sailed with old Pew
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

There was chest on chest of Spanish gold with a
Ton of plate in the middle hold
And the cabins riot with stuff un told As
They lay there that had took the plum
With a sightless glare and their lips struck dumb
While we shared all by the rule of thumb
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen men of a dead man’s chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

We wrapped ‘em all in a mains’l tight with
Twice ten turns of a hausers bight
And we heaved ‘em over and out of sight with a
Yo heave ho and fare you well
And a sullen plunge in a sullen swell
Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

[Eki]

In memory of oily oaf:

Two Swedes go moose hunting. One of them suddenly collapses and loses consciousness. His friend takes his mobile phone, calls the emergency number and says, "My friend just died, what should I do?" The emergency service replies, "Just stay calm and I'll help you. You should first check that he's really dead." After a short silence the emergency service operator hears a loud gunshot through the phone. The Swede comes back to the phone, "OK, what should I do next?"

[race aficionado]

Also in memory of oily oaf:

Two Swedes go moose hunting. One of them suddenly collapses and loses consciousness when a poisonous snake bites him, and of all places, the bite was on his penis. His friend takes his mobile phone, calls the emergency number and says, "My friend has just been bitten by a poisonous snake, what should I do?" The emergency service replies, "Just stay calm and suck out the poison or he will die." After a short silence, the Swede comes back to his friend and says, "Sorry buddy, you are going to die."

he he :s mokin:

[Eki]

Since the Portuguese police hasn't detached oily from the electrodes yet, it looks like it's my job to keep this thread alive.

A Scottish couple won a holiday in the United Arab Emirates. There they met an oil billionaire. The oily sheik said, "I'll give you your wife's weight of gold if I may spend a passionate night with her". The Scotsman said, "Could you come back after a week and ask again?" The sheik said, "I see, you want to think it over." "No, I've already made up my mind. I just want some time to fatten her up a few pounds", said the Scott.

[schmenke]

Oh dear, I do hope Oily returns soon... :erm:

[schmenke]

A bloke is taking his time tee-ing off on the 18th hole. He's adjusting his stance, his grip, trying to line up his shot perfectly.
"Will you hurry up and just swing alreay" his irritated friend says.
"Don't rush me" the bloke replies, "My wife is watching from the clubhouse so I want to ensure a perfect shot."
"Don't bother" the friend remarks, "you can't hit her from this distance."

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Eki- was that a joke?? :confused:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really." God replied... "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!" :D

[Donney]

A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The barman astonished says: You are a horse!

Yes, the horse says.

And you talk!!

So?

And you asked for a whiskey!

I know....

But I have a whiskey named like you!

What, Fred?


(I think I'll get my coat)

[CharlieJ]

come back Oily.....

I think this thread needs new blood, so here goes.......



Paddy leaves university after getting his degree in eng. lit. but he can’t get a job

His mate Mick says to him “why don’t you come down the building site with me? They need labourers“

They won’t take me with my qualifications will they?”

“Just keep quiet about your education and you’ll be OK.”

So next day they go and see the foreman on the building site.

The foreman looks suspicious. he says “You don’t look like a labourer. You sound well educated. Have you got any qualifications?”

Paddy sees Mick shaking his head and says “No.”

“OK” says the foreman. Have you worked on a building site before?”

Paddy sees Mick nodding his head and says “Yes.”

“Well I’ll just ask you a couple of questions” says the foreman.

Paddy is now worried because he’s sure he won’t be able to answer the questions.

“Right” says the foreman “what’s the difference between a girder and a joist?”

Paddy heaves a huge sigh of relief and says……………





“Well… Goethe wrote the great gothic classic Faust, while Joyce was most famous for his Ulysses…………”


OK OK I'll try harder next time :erm:

[jim mcglinchey]

feck it, its nearly Friday.

A husband and wife were in bed one morning, and she says to he. " Darling, weve been married for five years and I think its time that I came clean about my past, you see I used to be a hooker "

Says he, mildly interested now at the prospect of some professional sex industry worker techniques " Weelll, thats OK by me, maybe you can show me a few tricks to help spice up our sex life.

" Errr, not exactly, my love, you see my name was Dave and I played for Wigan! "

Har, har, these are the jokes!

Four insurance companies are in competition for a slogan to express their all encompassing life cover policies.

Company 1 comes up with " From the cradle to the grave "

Company 2 improves on that with " Cover from the womb to the tomb"

Company 3, not to be outdone thinks up " Fromthe sperm, to the worm ( little bit forced that )

But the slogan writers for company 4 trumps them all with " From the erection........to the resurrection"

I thank you.

[oily oaf]

I can't begin to tell you how moved I am to see that you guys have kept the thread alive (barely) in my absence and with such quality too.
In fact I haven't laughed so much since I caught my custard rifle in the zip following a refreshing "gypsy's kiss" in a gay bar bog in Puerto Banus :D

Without further preamble I give you the following:

Woman walks past a pet shop when a parrot shouts out from inside "Blimey love! You are one ugly bint!"
Well the lady is slightly perturbed by this unwarranted outburst but decides to carry on regardless.
As she passes the pet shop on her return journey the parrot cries out "Christ what a bloody tugboat!"
Once again the lady opts to shrug off the barbed comment and continues her journey.
The following day she passes the shop again and this time the bird bawls out "'ere love you've got a face like a robber's dog!"
Well this time the lady's had enough and goes inside to remonstrate with the owner who apologises profusely and assures her that it wont happen again.
The owner then promptly tells the parrot that if there's any more cheek there'll be big trouble.
The next day the woman walks by the shop once more and the parrot shrieks out "Oi Missus!"
"What" says the woman
"You know" says Polly tapping his nose knowingly.


Geezer walks into a bar and spots the most beautiful Chinese girl sitting alone at a table so he goes over and asks if he can buy her a drink
"Why not?" she replies
Anyway as the evening wears on and the drinks flow the couple are getting on like a house on fire so when closing time comes the fella asks the girl if she wants to go back to his gaff for coffee.
"Sure" she replies
When they arrive back at the blokes drum the young lady starts tearing off her clobber, throws herself on the bed and says to the amazed chap "You can have whatever you want"
Well" says he "I wouldn't mind a 69"
"Fcuk off" she retorts "If you think I'm cooking at this time of night you've got another think coming squire"

In closing I give you this little pearl:

The Invisible Man met The Invisible Woman in a bar and before long they fell in love and got married.



Mind you, the kids were nothing to look at.

Stand at EASE! :mad:

[schmenke]

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."

[race aficionado]

I knew God had a lisp.

[LeonBrooke]

One night I dreamed I ate my pillow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone. True story.

[race aficionado]

Excuse me!
It's frig'n Friday already!

Where are my belly laughs?????
:mad:


:s mokin:

[race aficionado]

Now that Captain Campbell has decided to go on a squirting spree I will have to resort to trying to be funny for the sake of keeping this fledging thread alive and running.

• Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of boiling water. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. "What's so funny?" said the other. The first missionary replied: "I just peed in the soup!"


:dozey: :s mokin:

[oily oaf]

Excuse me!
It's frig'n Friday already!

Where are my belly laughs?????
:mad:


:s mokin:

Blimey calm down Race. I've only just got in after a hard day conning the London motoring public :mad:

Anyway on with the Official Forum Joke Thread. ACCEPT NO TAME SUBSTITUTES!

A bloke arrives home early from work and discovers his old woman in the sack with another bloke. He scurfs hold of the geezer and drags him downstairs into the garage and promptly puts his old chap in a vice and then tightens it up.
"Oh Gawd" screams the unfortunate lover "You're not gonna cut it off are ya?"

"No you are" says the triumphant husband "I'm gonna set fire to the garage"

A bunch of old age pensioners are on an outing to the seaside in a coach.
Suddenly one old girl leans over and gives the driver a handful of peanuts which he munches gratefully.
When he's finished she leans over and gives him another handful.
This goes on for mile after mile until the driver says " 'Ere why don't you eat some yourselves?"
We can't chew 'em cos we've got no teeth" says the old girl "We just love the chocolate that surrounds 'em"

A couple of ninety year olds have been dating for 6 months until eventually they decide to cement their love in time honoured fashion.
After an hour of frenzied love making they lay back exhausted in bed.
"Blimey!" thinks the old geezer to himself "If I'd known she was still a virgin I'd have been a lot more gentle with her"
"Strewth" thinks the old girl "If I'd have known he was still capable of getting it up I'd have taken me tights off"

Feel better now Race? ;)

[race aficionado]

. . . . .
"Strewth" thinks the old girl "If I'd have known he was still capable of getting it up I'd have taken me tights off"

Feel better now Race? ;)


Yes indeed . . . . much better now, thank you.

:)





:s mokin:

[Eki]

Now that Captain Campbell has decided to go on a squirting spree I will have to resort to trying to be funny for the sake of keeping this fledging thread alive and running.

• Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of boiling water. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. "What's so funny?" said the other. The first missionary replied: "I just peed in the soup!"


:dozey: :s mokin:
The cannibals had peesoup that day.

[race aficionado]

Now hopefully Eki has redeemed himself to Brown, Jon Brow :p
Eki- was that a joke??

[Captain VXR]

Oily Oaf went on holiday to a rainforest and asked his tour guide if there were and cannibals there; to which the guide replied:
"Nope, we ate the last one on tuesday"

[CharlieJ]

Two cannibals eating a clown...

first cannibal: "Does that taste funny to you?"

second cannibal: "Nah... tastes like ****... must be Ronald MacDonald"

:dozey:

[schmenke]

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.

When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.

When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.

"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pyjamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honour.' She will respond, 'I honour your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honour and offer all night."

[Brown, Jon Brow]

I have no jokes for you this week. Sorry ( I think)

My humour is generally more character based. I'm disappointed that nobody seemed to acknowledge my best post of the week, in the '5 people you admire' thread :(
http://btccpages.motorsportforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=116957
It closely beat my ramblings on plastic bags ;)

[race aficionado]

Friday night already . . .

Oily working till late again . . . .

another squirting spree I suppose . . .


waiting . . . waiting . . . :p imp:



:s mokin:

[Eki]

Thanks for the heads up, race. I forgot it was already Friday.

[race aficionado]

Thanks for the heads up, race. I forgot it was already Friday.

Yep, Friday 2 pm on this end of the world.

You can probably now start (or continue) to have your favorite alcoholic beverage as we wait for our F.N.O.O.J.F. (painful, I know)- Friday Nigh Oily Oaf Joke Fix.

carrying on.


:s mokin:

[schmenke]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash! and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"





Where's Oily?... :dozey:

[race aficionado]

Where's Oily?... :dozey:

5:30 pm here, almost midnight where Oily has his main headquarters.

Thread title:
Motorsport Forums > General > Chit Chat > As Oily Always Says On A Friday Night.

dammit! Captain Campbell is out on a mission and apparently won't be saying anything here on this Friday night.

oh well . . . . .

fortunately schmenky came through.

:s mokin:

[CarlMetro]

Yes I know it's only Thursday but I liked this one.........

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[oily oaf]

Carl old son I like to think that over the last 4 years we've become good mates, so it gives me no pleasure whatsoever to inform you that you are clearly suffering from an all too common condition among young men known as "Premature Ejokeulation" :(
But don't despair my friend as there are a number of tried and trusted remedies for your hair trigger titter trouble
If at any time you feel the overpowering urge to tell a joke in this thread between Saturday and Thursday simply conjure up in your mind a mental picture of comedians Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning locked together in red hot, sweaty comic/comic sex action.
Alternately ask Mrs Metro to administer The Squeeze Technique in which she places your custard rifle in a vice and tightens it up until the tears flow copious and free.
I hope this helps.

Good joke BTW ;)

[schmenke]

Thanks to a buddy of mine from Aberdeen...


A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into the Asda store at the Bridge of Dee, with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good Morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they're nae bloody twins. The oldest is 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the **$$ would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya d!ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"




Over to you Oily :mark:

[oily oaf]

First up chaps my apologies for the no show last week. Unfortunately I was unavoidably detained in The Arseole of Britain :(

Schmenkey "Honour and offer" like it baby, like it :D

Brace yerselves boys this is a good un.........probably.

A 4 year old and a 7 year old are upstairs playing when the seven year old turns round to his brother and says "You know what bro. It's about time we started swearing"
"Yeah I think you're right" says his younger sibling.
Just then their mum calls 'em downstairs for breakfast.
"What would you like Alfie?" she says to the 7 year old.
"$hit mum" says he "I'll have Cheerios"
Well his mum gives him a right-hander that knocks him from one side of the room to the other.
Regaining her cool the mother then turns to the 4 year old. "And what would you like Charlie?"
"I'm not sure" says he "But I'm definitely not having the f****ing Cheerios.

I'm here all week.................Well it's better than Leighton Buzzard innit? ;)

[oily oaf]

Just heard this one from a mate and it definitely gave me a chuckle. :D

An Arsenal fan, a Spurs fan and a West Ham fan get arrested in an illegal drinking den in Saudi Arabia and are promptly sentenced to death.
On the eve of their execution the King visits the boys in the condemned cell and announces. "As today is my wife's birthday I'm prepared to commute your sentences to a 10 lash whipping and I'm prepared to grant you all one wish before the sentence is carried out"

The Spurs fan says "I'd like a pillow strapped to my back"
The Sheik complies but unfortunately after 5 lashes the pillow is torn asunder and the poor sod is whipped until the blood pours from his back

Seeing this the Arsenal fan says "I'd like 2 pillows strapped to my back"
Sadly even the extra padding is insufficient to stop the whip biting deeply into his flesh and he's taken away bloodied and half dead :(

Now then " says the king to the West Ham geezer "As your team is in danger of relegation I'm prepared to grant you 2 wishes.
"Righto" says The Hammer "I'd like 200 lashes with the strongest and most robust whip in the entire kingdom and I want the punishment to be meted out by the strongest man in all Arabia.
Well the old Sheik looks at him a trifle non plussed by this request and says "And your second wish?"

"Tie the Arsenal fan to my back" says he.

[Hayden Fan]

That is funny.

[Brown, Jon Brow]

I could probably make one of those rubbish sit-coms they have on BBC1 on Sunday evenings.

Customer walks into the butchers - 'Hello I would like some mince'

Butcher - 'How much would you like darling?'

Customer - 'It's only for me'

Butcher looks confused - 'Oh :confused: but who much would you like? '






:erm: .................................................. . I forgot the punch line :o

sorry :uhoh:

[oily oaf]

Happy Mirthday :mad:

Bloke and his missus are driving along a country lane when they spot a wounded skunk.
Being animal lovers they pick it up and decide to take it to the vet.
The woman says "What shall I do to keep the poor thing warm?
"Stick it between your legs" says the fella
"But what about the smell?" she asks
"Hold it's nose ya silly cow" he replies

The ice cream lady came to my garage today and I asked her for two Twirls and a Boost so she spun round twice and told me I've got a big dick.

Hehehehe I heard a couple of absolute beauties at work today guys but unfortunately they're waaaaaay too naughty for you sensitive little flowers ;)

Carry on.

[CarlMetro]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do
You think is farther away Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
You see Florida ...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She asks,
"What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
anotherc blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,"How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back,"You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed
her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

:dozey:

[CarlMetro]

There was a man, who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, And her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the Ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the Wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the Casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that Casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque.

If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[schmenke]

Schmenke's back (...pauses for boisterous applause to subside̷) with a trio of quality tidbits to provide some much-needed gaffaws...


Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.


A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
"It will keep the sheet off of him."


And finally one for Caoline...

A woman went to open her refridgerator, finding a rabbit sitting inside.
"What are you doing here?", she asked.
"Isn't this a Westinghouse?", asked the rabbit.
"Yes, it is."
"Well, I'm westing."




( Oily, help! :( )

[race aficionado]

Schmenk's.
Not bad at all.
I'de put those on the "cute" department - and cute aint bad, specially when you mix Viagra with it.

carry on please.


:s mokin:

[Eki]

Schmenke's back (...pauses for boisterous applause to subside…) with a trio of quality tidbits to provide some much-needed gaffaws...


Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.


A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
"It will keep the sheet off of him."


And finally one for Caoline...

A woman went to open her refridgerator, finding a rabbit sitting inside.
"What are you doing here?", she asked.
"Isn't this a Westinghouse?", asked the rabbit.
"Yes, it is."
"Well, I'm westing."




( Oily, help! :( )
I read recently that researchers have found out that Viagra may help ease jet lag. True story, no bull.

[schmenke]

I recently had a Viagra pill lodged in my throat. I had a stiff neck for weeks...


:mark:

[Ian McC]

It's Friday night, bank holiday weekend and I'm drunk

Enough said I think :D

[schmenke]

You'd have to be drunk to read this thread... :mark: :uhoh:

[Ian McC]

You'd have to be drunk to read this thread... :mark: :uhoh:

Hell I'm am not reading this right now!

[oily oaf]

My dear fiends
Apologies for the no-show last night gentlemen but I'm rather afraid that I had to overcome a rather tiresome erection problem :(
Now before you all start jeering, pointing and muttering darkly about my age and years of steroid abuse I should quickly point out that I'm referring to the construction of a rather hefty cast iron chimnea in my back yard. This handy little item is a cross between a barbecue and an iron smelting foundry which my beloved other half informs me will come in handy for burning garden rubbish and cooking sausages at the same time :)
The only problem lay in the fact that it came in about 5 million pieces complete with an instruction manual that appeared to have been written by a drug fuelled chimp. I swear to God boys that Isambard Kingdom Brunel himself would have ended up kicking the cat all round the garden after attempting to put this little beauty together. Mind you my efforts were not aided by guzzling about 8 cans of fizzy lager whilst on the job, if you'll pardon the expression.
However brute force and ignorance finally prevailed and the mighty edifice is now standing proud and erect (steady on ladies :mad: ) in my palatial grounds.
Now if only it wasn't going to piss down with rain in London all weekend I might have been able put it through it's fiery paces :(

Back on topic old Schmenke was on fire last night eh boys? I'm still chuckling at the Viagra gag.
Not a touch on "honour and offer" mind you. (fume)

Mac. A word to the wise sheriff. Coming on here and announcing that you're as pissed as a handcart doesn't constitute a joke old chap.
Go to your room at once and Artex the wardrobe.

[jim mcglinchey]

I read recently that researchers have found out that Viagra may help ease jet lag. True story, no bull.

..so THATS why you notice so many blokes getting off the red-eye from New York with their brief cases covering their loin regions..

[Mark in Oshawa]

Viagra, its just not for breakfast any more.....

[CarlMetro]

I don't care if it's Tuesday, I'm posting this one for everyone who, like me, is having a sh!tty day after a sh1tty weekend :(

THE LEGLESS PARROT

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."


"Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over
with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Dammed if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch"

:D

[Donney]

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy096.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

Have a great rest of the week Mr. Metro.

[schmenke]

Oh dear, Mr. Metro... It's far too early in the week to be submitting such material... :s :erm:

[CarlMetro]

Oh dear, Mr. Metro... It's far too early in the week to be submitting such material... :s :erm:

I don't care, I've had a crap day and needed something to make me laugh :p :

Here's another one.....................

JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big, I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." "Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill, "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."

:D

The Mexian fireman with two sons

Jose


and Jos b


Hmm, that doesn't work so well in print :uhoh:

Worked just fine in print. loved it :D

[oily oaf]

Oooooh Ullo! :mad:

This deaf couple get married but unfortunately their honeymoon is an unmitigated disaster as neither is capable of expressing their carnal desires to the other.
After 2 or 3 days of clumsy fumbling and ultimate disappointment the girl says to her new hubby
"I know love. Lets try signalling our various needs to each other by bodily contact. For example if you want to have sex with me pull once on my left breast. If however you don't fancy it pull once on my right breast"

"Great idea!" says the geezer. "And if you want a nudge just pull once on me custard rifle and if not do the same thing 250 times"

Right that's it for tonight gents. "Seahunt" is on in a minute and it's that one where Lloyd Bridges blows a stream of bubbles all over his lady diving partner's flippers
Christ! :p imp:

[schmenke]

Continuing on the same theme... :uhoh:


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[schmenke]

A rare treat for all you forummmers as I provide herewith a second quality end-of-week gem...

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house.
Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".
Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up.
Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!".
Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down. Just rang an Oaf mate of mine and he's on his way over to have a look at it. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".
Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers".
So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice.
All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!".
Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

[CarlMetro]

a second quality end-of-week gem...

Should have stopped at one :\

[oily oaf]

Schmenkey I laughed until the tears ran down my cheeks at the first one







In 1973 :mad:

As for the Superman gag. I hope you realise that's gonna be doing the rounds of a number of Eastend boozers this lunchtime sheriff ;)
Absolute belter mate :D

[oily oaf]

Sorry I'm late. One of my neighbours had shock absorber trouble. He couldn't absorb the shock when I quoted him for fitting a new steering rack :eek:

This geezer gets an invite to a fancy dress party but can't decide what to go as,
Suddenly an idea comes to him.
Later that evening he bowls up to the party and knocks at the door.
When the hostess opens up she can't help but notice that the bloke's standing there with no shirt or trousers on.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" says the bemused lady
"A premature ejaculation" declares our hero "I just came in my pants"

Mwah! Mwah! I love you all darlinks :mad:

[Eki]

Sorry I'm late.
As Oily always says on a Saturday morning.

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Sorry I'm late. One of my neighbours had shock absorber trouble. He couldn't absorb the shock when I quoted him for fitting a new steering rack :eek:

This geezer gets an invite to a fancy dress party but can't decide what to go as,
Suddenly an idea comes to him.
Later that evening he bowls up to the party and knocks at the door.
When the hostess opens up she can't help but notice that the bloke's standing there with no shirt or trousers on.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" says the bemused lady
"A premature ejaculation" declares our hero "I just came in my pants"

Mwah! Mwah! I love you all darlinks :mad:



I'm scarred for life :bigcry:

[LeonBrooke]

I'm scarred for life :bigcry:

Oh come on man! If you ever had a similar problem, now you have the solution :D

[schmenke]

Hope this works... I'm pants with attachments :mark: ...

[CharlieJ]

:laugh: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Maybe that should have gone in 306 Cosworth's 'First Love' thread ?

[oily oaf]

:laugh: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Maybe that should have gone in 306 Cosworth's 'First Love' thread ?

Charlie's...... Sorry Schmenkeys good tonite aint he?

Righto boys some old geezer told me this one at lunchtime down the boozer and I nearly fell off me barstool chuckling (mind you I had 12 pints of heavy under me belt at the time )

Paddy decides he's going to put his hedonistic lifestyle of betting and boozing behind him and go to Rome to seek an audience with The Pope.
He gets to St Peter's Square and approaches a Papal envoy.
"Any chance of seeing the Holy Father?" he enqures
The envoy pulls Paddy close and whispers in his ear "Keep this to yourself mate" he confides "But I'm afraid 'e's dead"
"Brown bread!?" Paddy shrieks "But theres been nothing about it on the telly or in the paper!"
"That's right" says the envoy "We're keeping shtum about it until another Pope is elected otherwise there'll be millions of Catholics weeping and wailing in the streets and we dont want to upset 'em"
When Paddy gets back to Dublin he bumps into his mate Murphy and tells him the news.
Jaysus!" he cries "Why dont we go down the bookie shop and have a bet on it?"
"Good idea" says Paddy and sets off down the high street
"What's the odds on The Pope dying within the next day or 2?" he asks the bookie.
"Paddy" says he "I'll give you a million to one"
"Stick a pound on it" he cries
As Paddy leaves he passes Murphy on his way in and winks knowingly
A couple of days later Paddy hears a newsflash on he radio "Pope dies peacefully n his sleep"
"Bingo" he shouts and legs it down to the bookie.
When he gets there the bookie points to a big sack in the corner and says "There you go Paddy old son, one million smackers you old *******."
Old Paddy picks up the sack with glee and heads home with his booty.
On the way he runs into Murphy and says "I got me money son, I expect you'll be on yer way to get yours now.
Murphy looks down at his shoes "I've got nothin' comin'" says he
"Whaddya mean? says Pat "You did the same bet as me"
"Yeah" says Murphy "But I did it as a double with The Archbishop of Canterbury"

Can you come back next week?

[Eki]

Charlie's...... Sorry Schmenkeys good tonite aint he?

Righto boys some old geezer told me this one at lunchtime down the boozer and I nearly fell off me barstool chuckling (mind you I had 12 pints of heavy under me belt at the time )

At lunchtime? I hope you don't test drive the cars you fix.

[Firstgear]

12 pints isn't that much for someone of Oily's.......girth.

[CharlieJ]

At lunchtime? I hope you don't test drive the cars you fix.
I hope he doesn't "fix" any on a Friday afternoon :eek:

[oily oaf]

You're in luck tonight chaps. The guvnor let me go home early on compassionate grounds after I ran over and killed an elderly Jewish geezer in Mile End Road.
When I jumped out of the jamjar to see if he was alright I noticed he was still conscious. I quckly stuck a pillow under his swede and put a blanket over him.
"Are you comfortable mate?" I tentatively enquired.
"Oi vay. I make a living" he gasped.

On with the show :mad:
After working 30 years in a pickle factory this bloke comes home and says to his old woman "I dunno what it is love but I keep getting this overwhelming desire to put my penis in the pickle slicer"
"Blimey!" says his missus "I'd get that sorted if I were you"
So the fella goes on an intensive course of psychotherapy and eventually returns to work.
When he gets home after his first day back on the job he collapses into the armchair and starts sobbing uncontrollably "I did it love. I put my old fella in the pickle slicer"
"Are you alright love? says his caring spouse.
"Yeah" says he "but I got the sack"
"What happened to the pickle slicer?" she enquires
"She got the bullet as well" says our hero.

Did anyone in London see that lightning this afternoon?
It seemed to be grounding over The West End way.
With a bit of luck it struck Andrew Lloyd Webber

[oily oaf]

Funny old world innit?
Back in the 60's if a load of white men were chasing a young black geezer they always blamed the Klu Klux Klan. Now they call it Formula 1.

[Eki]

Funny old world innit?
Back in the 60's if a load of white men were chasing a young black geezer they always blamed the Klu Klux Klan. Now they call it Formula 1.
The hood looks quite aerodynamic. Maybe they should reshape the drivers' helmet pointy:

http://www.pinholeresource.com/e_gallery/photos/ku_klux_klan.jpg

[oily oaf]

The hood looks quite aerodynamic. Maybe they should reshape the drivers' helmet pointy:

http://www.pinholeresource.com/e_gallery/photos/ku_klux_klan.jpg


:rotflmao:
I swear by all that's holy that you've never looked lovelier you tantalising little temptress you.

[dyfi1]

"

Did anyone in London see that lightning this afternoon?
It seemed to be grounding over The West End way.
With a bit of luck it struck Andrew Lloyd Webber

I was on the road between Weymouth and Ringwood this p.m. in a mega downpour with plenty of lightning...... my wish was that it would strike the ol`git in a Micra, 18 cars ahead of me doing 22mph for mile after country mile and no hope of passing.

[schmenke]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they're captured
by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.
The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.

Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered. So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light
and you can go free English!"

"SOD OFF YOU RUSSIAN *******S! I'M NOT JESUS FCKING CHRIST! I
CAN'T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!"

The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go
free!"

"OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN W_NKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOKCING LIGHT!"

So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

"YA CAN'T FOOL ME YOU *******S! YOU'LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I'M HALF
WAY UP!"



:mark:

[jim mcglinchey]

...thats such a shi+ joke I could'nt even bother being offended......

[oily oaf]

I dedicate this joke to my good Manhattan buddy Race who's been sat in his tiny downtown apartment listlessly firing his crossbow at passing Polak taxi drivers just waiting for this moment.

The Queen and The Pope are sitting on a balcony in St Peter's Square looking down at the adoring crowds below.
The Queen decides to big herself up in front of the old Bob Hope and says "Do you know what Benny boy I can make that crowd go crazy with just a wave of my hand"
The Pope looks at her and says "Alright big shot knock yerself out"
So Her Majesty waves regally towards the throng and sure enough they erupt with joyous acclaim.
Somewhat abashed The Holy Father retorts "Fair play Liz but I bet I can make every single Australian down there go wild with just a slight nod of my head"
"Alright" says the Baked Bean "Let's see it"
So The Pontiff draws his head back and nuts her right on the nose.

Make the most of it Race as I'm not gonna open my North and South till next Friday................possibly ;)

[jim mcglinchey]

I was out with the guys last week and I hit it off with a really fit old bird, she was hottt for a 57 yr old, anyway we drank a bit and had a bit of a snog and she said "Well player, have you ever had the sportsmans double, a mother and daughter threesome? " I said no. We drank some more and she told me that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place. She closed the front door, turned on the hall light and shouted up the stairs " Mum, get your teeth in, we've a gentleman caller.!"

Well, I made my excuses, but I phoned her the next week ( said he segueing seamlessly ) and she told me to call round that night. The door was open and she called me from the bedroom and when I got up she was lieing on the bed with a revealing pair of crothless panties on. "Would you like to orally oblige me?" Says she. " Are you kiddin?" Say I, gazing in horror " sure look what its done top your kecks?"

....taxi for Mr McGlinchey!

[race aficionado]

....taxi for Mr McGlinchey!

get yourself one driven by a Polak dude and just take your journey by my block and I will poke him with one in between the eyes!

I'm on a roll I warn ya' :mad:

:s mokin:

[schmenke]

To make up for last week's sub-standard performance I have returned with this top-quality offering. Thank me later... :mad:


A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"



That'll have to hold you lot for a fortnight as schmenke's presence on this forum will be non-existent next Friday. I shall be roaming the meadows for a couple of days in search of a wee white ball to whack :D ...

(Oily, Jim... :up: :D )

[donKey jote]

Mrs Race and Mrs Oaf are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where Mrs Oaf happens to see her geezer buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, me lemon is buying me aprils again." :dozey:
Mrs Race looks at her and says," You don't like getting flowers? It's donkey's since I got any" :(
Mrs Oaf says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on me back with me 'am and eggs in the air." :uhoh:
Mrs Race says, "Don't you have a vase?" :eek:
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif

[donKey jote]

I was over at schmenke's house the other day and he began serving drinks. :beer:
He asked what I wanted, and I told him it didn't matter as long as it was tall and cool and full of Canadian whiskey. :facelick:
He called his missus. :dozey:
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif

[race aficionado]

See! my wife is funny!!!!! :p

She has a sense of humor . . . . she married me! :dozey:

OK, that's an old joke but right now, I don't give a hoot.




:s mokin:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Well, after tonights disappointing array of so-called jokes it's up to me to help return this thread to it's former glory. :(


A rabbit walks into the butchers and asks "Do you have any lettuce?"

The butcher says "No I'm sorry this is a butchers not a greengrocers, try next door!"

The rabbit turns around dejected and walks out.

The next day the rabbit returns and asks "Got any lettuce?"

Butcher: "Look I told you yesterday we don't sell lettuce, but I can do you a nice leg of lamb."

Again the rabbit looks sad, his ears flop and he hops slowly out of the shop.

The next day he tries his luck again "Got any lettuce?"

And the butcher replies "Look you little sh|t, I've told you before, we don't sell lettuce, and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your ears to the floor."

Dejected and hungry the rabbit hops out of the shop feeling very sorry for himself.

The next day the rabbit bounds into the shop and asks the butcher, "Got any nails?" :uhoh:

And the butcher replies, "No."

"Got any lettuce?" :p

Ye get it? Eh!! ........................... :dozey:

...........oh well. You try and do it :mad: