The Phantom
3rd September 2009, 23:27
The latest report from the inimitable Melvis - enjoy :)
Well boyz and grrls - this one's in the books, and undoubtedly for all 'yall who were lucky to be there, I'll bet dollars to donuts it was all that - and more. A veritable smorgasbord of two-wheeled deliciousness. And this year no swarms of angry locusts, raging storms or other unforseen acts of god ruined the party for the 159,346.7 people who spectated the 2nd running of the Indy MotoGP circus. And you lucky bastiges and bastigettes also got to sample the soon to be departed 250 class- may it RIP. And furthermore I'm sure some of you ratfinks also got to go to the Indy mile to see Kenny Roberts throw one of the evilest, angriest and scariest motorcycles ever around as if he was still in the hunt. And we won't mention all the coolness happening before, during and after while the rest of the US was served up a horrid Fox TV enema - lukewarm bile served up with a heavy dose of inanity - shoved up where the sun don't shine... (so glad I didn't have to suffer through that ;)
So on to the premier class and the Melvis Report - brought to you by Coffee and Pancakes...
Nobody expected the weasely Spaniard we all know and love to slander to show up from day 1 with his race face on. Usually it takes a while for the diaper rash from the last race to settle before the little runt gets going in earnest, but there he was on Friday, spanking everyone in the rain while wearing his Sesame Street galoshes that daddy Puig bought for him at the airport. He must have downed all his Ovaltine that night because there he was on Saturday in the dry this time, going faster than any one else on the planet, and horror of horrors! The little donkey dropping scored pole, making the mob wearing Pedrosa Sucks t-shirts very mad indeed... Lunatico Lorenzo, now on exactly the same spec as Rossi grabbed P2, and the Dr. hisself had to settle for 3rd. The second row was slightly mind-booggling as it contained the soon-to-be-unemployed DeAngelhair, a certain Longneck Redneck and YeeHaw Haystacks who was wearing all sorts of fresh livery on both his lanky frame and on the bike itself... The rest of the grid was as predictable as a Betty Crocker cake, although the fresh meat in the pack was actually a Spanish vegetable - Aleix Esparragus debuting on a Duc - his inclusion was to have an immediate impact on the start of the race...
So race day auspiciously brought on many signs that made the entire Hayden clan - including crusty patriarch, sisters, half-sisters, cousins and kissin' cousins and friends and relations all practicin' all manner of rituals to help their boy git it done - very happy, as the forecast temp was 69, Earl's whiskers were straight in the morning when he woke up, and the pet goat didn't bleet before sunrise or eat the bedspread in the hotel...
When the lights went out, the fast and odious little shot off the line like a methane-powered sphincter nugget and bagged the holeshot, with Rossifumi and Yorgay hot on his tiny ass, and to prove that fresh veggies and MotoGP bikes are a heady mix, Aleix Esparragus played bumper cars with Grampa Capirossi and Elias - all of them simply run out into the nice grassy infield and able to rejoin - however that didn't do much for anyone's position, with only the venerable dinosaur on the baby blue Suzpuki able to parlay his misery into a top ten finish.
And so it went for a handful of laps, Rossi doing his best to hold on to Pedrobotico while Yorgay was all over il maestro Italianissimo like creamy sauce on linguini. It wasn't long before the top three basically checked out of local time and shifted into another zone altogether - the rest of the field dropped like a spent prophylactic. While this was going on we were treated to seeing Haystacks toss back the Longneck Redneck like a cold bottle of barley pop and set off after Doozy as the front trio were riding in a different race altogether. Until...
On lap 5 Pendejo exceeded his limits in the coefficient of traction department and gently laid his ass and bike down to slide softly into the lush Indiana turf. But, thanks to the rigorous Ovaltine program Puig has him on he was able to right his rig and get back in the race - albeit in last place. But that was not to be the last we saw of the OLB...
That left Rossi and Lunatico Chupahuevos to go at it hammer and tongs, and while two riders duking it out for the win is not as good as three hey, it's worth watching I said as I took a big pull from my glass o'bourbon. :D
Then suddenly there was Yorgay, passing Vale at the end of the long straight just like he'd rehearsed the lap previous - impressive, thought I. Buuuut - on lap 9 the doctor was goosed by a nurse and dropped the scalpel - Rossi ran wide, got into an inexcusable amount of debris on track and dumped his lovely YaMAha in a shower of sparks. "OOooh - bummer..." said my daughter as he slid for a country mile, gifting Lunatico the race at that point because he was so far ahead that he went on to say that he had to fight to stay awake. Sadly for Rossi, the gods of racing this time did not offer up any love and for a brief and ironic moment we got to see Pendejo and Rossi (both of 'em previous race leaders) scrap it out again - for last place - before the GOAT gave up the goat and with a stuck throttle hampering his efforts, called it a day, thus ending an amazing run of 18 races during which he finished all of them on the podium... (Cue up George Harrison's All Things Must Pass...)
With 20 laps to go and something like 14 seconds on second place that was now occupied by DeAngelhair, Yorgay kept it upright and managed to stay awake. Fortunately there was some racing to be had behind him and we saw a resurgent Nicky Haystacks wrestling mightily with the evil Duc and passing Doozy, who is cursed by the choice he made to run #4, as that would be his finishing position yet again...
The Longneck Redneck mastered mediocrity yet again and nailed down a 5th place finish, and Markup MyLaundry was fairly impressive on the ER6n yet again, although his scrap for 6th with the ivory-tinklin', bubble-and-squeak eatin' Brit would result in his rendering the poor scooter FUBAR with three laps to go as he tossed it like an anchovy in caesar salad. I'm sure we can expect this cat tor be fighting for podiums as soon as he's back on a Honda...
And so the tedium of a race in which the leader ran off with the win and pulled a finish line wheelie longer than any I've seen in a while was assuaged somewhat by the rather astounding recovery made by the little dingleberry, who if he'd had a handful more laps probably could have made it into the top 5, or even the podium. Pendejo went on to finish 10th, and score some valuable points. Nicky was egged on by who knows what Kentucky voodoo the clan brought with 'em and held off his Repsol replacement to finish third, which to the long-suffering lad surely felt like a win. Well, almost...
As for surprising accomplishments, it had to be the 2nd place finish by De Angelhair - who proves once again that dormant talent can be spurred on by circumstance - as in "you ain't got a ride next year - better do something special, dumbass..."
Rossi waxed philosophical after the fact, as Lunatico halved his lead by 25 points. The championship at this point is far from ovah however, and when Rossi dumps it, you can rest assured that, just like the soothing relief that Gold Bond powder brings to sweaty scrotii in the heat of summer, he will be razor sharp and thirsty for blood in Misano. Worthy of note, Yorgay was damn near histerical in the post race conference and is clearly maturing with every race. He will be world champ someday - if he doesn't kill himself before then. As for Pendejo, he was as contrite as a virginal debutante and apologized to his team for being a racer and suffering from the effects of gravity. But homeboy Nicky H was about as happy as a hobo in a barrel of moonshine - will we see more of him at the sharp end for the rest of the season and beyond? Will Casey Snickersbar be a factor now that he's eating real food and got a widdle rest? Will Misano be exciting and provide us with more tooth-sucking action? One can only hope... :s mokin:
1. Yorgay Lorenzo (Yamaha)
2. Alex De Angelhair (Honda)
3. Nicky Haystacks (Ducati)
4. Andrea Doozisiozo (Honda)
5. Colin (LNRN) Edwards (Yamaha)
6. James Piano Man Toseland (Yamaha)
7. Grampa Loris Capirossi (Suzuki)
8. Miso Kallio Soup (Ducati)
9. Toni Spaztico Elias (Honda)
10. Dani Pendejo (Honda)
11. Chris Verminoodle (Suzuki)
12. Randy De Frogulet (Honda)1
13. Aleix Esparragus (Ducati)
14. Eva Gabor Talmassi (Honda)
Well boyz and grrls - this one's in the books, and undoubtedly for all 'yall who were lucky to be there, I'll bet dollars to donuts it was all that - and more. A veritable smorgasbord of two-wheeled deliciousness. And this year no swarms of angry locusts, raging storms or other unforseen acts of god ruined the party for the 159,346.7 people who spectated the 2nd running of the Indy MotoGP circus. And you lucky bastiges and bastigettes also got to sample the soon to be departed 250 class- may it RIP. And furthermore I'm sure some of you ratfinks also got to go to the Indy mile to see Kenny Roberts throw one of the evilest, angriest and scariest motorcycles ever around as if he was still in the hunt. And we won't mention all the coolness happening before, during and after while the rest of the US was served up a horrid Fox TV enema - lukewarm bile served up with a heavy dose of inanity - shoved up where the sun don't shine... (so glad I didn't have to suffer through that ;)
So on to the premier class and the Melvis Report - brought to you by Coffee and Pancakes...
Nobody expected the weasely Spaniard we all know and love to slander to show up from day 1 with his race face on. Usually it takes a while for the diaper rash from the last race to settle before the little runt gets going in earnest, but there he was on Friday, spanking everyone in the rain while wearing his Sesame Street galoshes that daddy Puig bought for him at the airport. He must have downed all his Ovaltine that night because there he was on Saturday in the dry this time, going faster than any one else on the planet, and horror of horrors! The little donkey dropping scored pole, making the mob wearing Pedrosa Sucks t-shirts very mad indeed... Lunatico Lorenzo, now on exactly the same spec as Rossi grabbed P2, and the Dr. hisself had to settle for 3rd. The second row was slightly mind-booggling as it contained the soon-to-be-unemployed DeAngelhair, a certain Longneck Redneck and YeeHaw Haystacks who was wearing all sorts of fresh livery on both his lanky frame and on the bike itself... The rest of the grid was as predictable as a Betty Crocker cake, although the fresh meat in the pack was actually a Spanish vegetable - Aleix Esparragus debuting on a Duc - his inclusion was to have an immediate impact on the start of the race...
So race day auspiciously brought on many signs that made the entire Hayden clan - including crusty patriarch, sisters, half-sisters, cousins and kissin' cousins and friends and relations all practicin' all manner of rituals to help their boy git it done - very happy, as the forecast temp was 69, Earl's whiskers were straight in the morning when he woke up, and the pet goat didn't bleet before sunrise or eat the bedspread in the hotel...
When the lights went out, the fast and odious little shot off the line like a methane-powered sphincter nugget and bagged the holeshot, with Rossifumi and Yorgay hot on his tiny ass, and to prove that fresh veggies and MotoGP bikes are a heady mix, Aleix Esparragus played bumper cars with Grampa Capirossi and Elias - all of them simply run out into the nice grassy infield and able to rejoin - however that didn't do much for anyone's position, with only the venerable dinosaur on the baby blue Suzpuki able to parlay his misery into a top ten finish.
And so it went for a handful of laps, Rossi doing his best to hold on to Pedrobotico while Yorgay was all over il maestro Italianissimo like creamy sauce on linguini. It wasn't long before the top three basically checked out of local time and shifted into another zone altogether - the rest of the field dropped like a spent prophylactic. While this was going on we were treated to seeing Haystacks toss back the Longneck Redneck like a cold bottle of barley pop and set off after Doozy as the front trio were riding in a different race altogether. Until...
On lap 5 Pendejo exceeded his limits in the coefficient of traction department and gently laid his ass and bike down to slide softly into the lush Indiana turf. But, thanks to the rigorous Ovaltine program Puig has him on he was able to right his rig and get back in the race - albeit in last place. But that was not to be the last we saw of the OLB...
That left Rossi and Lunatico Chupahuevos to go at it hammer and tongs, and while two riders duking it out for the win is not as good as three hey, it's worth watching I said as I took a big pull from my glass o'bourbon. :D
Then suddenly there was Yorgay, passing Vale at the end of the long straight just like he'd rehearsed the lap previous - impressive, thought I. Buuuut - on lap 9 the doctor was goosed by a nurse and dropped the scalpel - Rossi ran wide, got into an inexcusable amount of debris on track and dumped his lovely YaMAha in a shower of sparks. "OOooh - bummer..." said my daughter as he slid for a country mile, gifting Lunatico the race at that point because he was so far ahead that he went on to say that he had to fight to stay awake. Sadly for Rossi, the gods of racing this time did not offer up any love and for a brief and ironic moment we got to see Pendejo and Rossi (both of 'em previous race leaders) scrap it out again - for last place - before the GOAT gave up the goat and with a stuck throttle hampering his efforts, called it a day, thus ending an amazing run of 18 races during which he finished all of them on the podium... (Cue up George Harrison's All Things Must Pass...)
With 20 laps to go and something like 14 seconds on second place that was now occupied by DeAngelhair, Yorgay kept it upright and managed to stay awake. Fortunately there was some racing to be had behind him and we saw a resurgent Nicky Haystacks wrestling mightily with the evil Duc and passing Doozy, who is cursed by the choice he made to run #4, as that would be his finishing position yet again...
The Longneck Redneck mastered mediocrity yet again and nailed down a 5th place finish, and Markup MyLaundry was fairly impressive on the ER6n yet again, although his scrap for 6th with the ivory-tinklin', bubble-and-squeak eatin' Brit would result in his rendering the poor scooter FUBAR with three laps to go as he tossed it like an anchovy in caesar salad. I'm sure we can expect this cat tor be fighting for podiums as soon as he's back on a Honda...
And so the tedium of a race in which the leader ran off with the win and pulled a finish line wheelie longer than any I've seen in a while was assuaged somewhat by the rather astounding recovery made by the little dingleberry, who if he'd had a handful more laps probably could have made it into the top 5, or even the podium. Pendejo went on to finish 10th, and score some valuable points. Nicky was egged on by who knows what Kentucky voodoo the clan brought with 'em and held off his Repsol replacement to finish third, which to the long-suffering lad surely felt like a win. Well, almost...
As for surprising accomplishments, it had to be the 2nd place finish by De Angelhair - who proves once again that dormant talent can be spurred on by circumstance - as in "you ain't got a ride next year - better do something special, dumbass..."
Rossi waxed philosophical after the fact, as Lunatico halved his lead by 25 points. The championship at this point is far from ovah however, and when Rossi dumps it, you can rest assured that, just like the soothing relief that Gold Bond powder brings to sweaty scrotii in the heat of summer, he will be razor sharp and thirsty for blood in Misano. Worthy of note, Yorgay was damn near histerical in the post race conference and is clearly maturing with every race. He will be world champ someday - if he doesn't kill himself before then. As for Pendejo, he was as contrite as a virginal debutante and apologized to his team for being a racer and suffering from the effects of gravity. But homeboy Nicky H was about as happy as a hobo in a barrel of moonshine - will we see more of him at the sharp end for the rest of the season and beyond? Will Casey Snickersbar be a factor now that he's eating real food and got a widdle rest? Will Misano be exciting and provide us with more tooth-sucking action? One can only hope... :s mokin:
1. Yorgay Lorenzo (Yamaha)
2. Alex De Angelhair (Honda)
3. Nicky Haystacks (Ducati)
4. Andrea Doozisiozo (Honda)
5. Colin (LNRN) Edwards (Yamaha)
6. James Piano Man Toseland (Yamaha)
7. Grampa Loris Capirossi (Suzuki)
8. Miso Kallio Soup (Ducati)
9. Toni Spaztico Elias (Honda)
10. Dani Pendejo (Honda)
11. Chris Verminoodle (Suzuki)
12. Randy De Frogulet (Honda)1
13. Aleix Esparragus (Ducati)
14. Eva Gabor Talmassi (Honda)