Joke Time [Archive] - Page 2 - Motorsport Forums

steve_spackman

26th June 2009, 16:12

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is
playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy?'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says Little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a f---ing accident either.

:D

markabilly

27th June 2009, 13:54

After Farah Fawcet died, she got to heaven and was told she lead a good life, so she would be granted one small last wish.....she said she wanted children to be safe.
A minute later, miko jacko was dead

http://www.deadmichaeljacksonjokes.com/img/bootieliciouss.gif

madonna and angelina jolie both sent their condolences to the family of jacko, and then asked how much they wanted for the kids....

markabilly

28th June 2009, 16:28

Speaking of racing and jokes, here is few of Danica

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLZhAVeB8Y&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLZhAVeB8Y&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BeDyr_GS-U&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_5CaJqv9rM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRoxJZdTbcE&feature=related

but the very best of all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjGsJNQKRfw

:eek:

What racin is all about, just remembe no beavers were injured during the filming

Easy Drifter

1st July 2009, 13:08

When two's company, three is the result.

Ever wonder about those people who pay $2.00 apiece for those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Easy Drifter

3rd July 2009, 07:12

A life long city man ol' Taz tired of the rat race decided he was going to give up city life and become a chicken farmer.
A neighbor came over one day and said 'Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what, to help get you started I will give you a 100 chickens'.
Two weeks later he dropped by to see how Taz was making out.
Taz said 'Not too well. All 100 chickens died.'
'I don't understand that. What went wrong?'
'Well' Taz replied ' I am not sure if I am planting them too deep or too close together.'

markabilly

3rd July 2009, 12:54

In honor of Eki, whose dream job is:

Originally Posted by Eki http://www.motorsportforums.com/forums/images/aria/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.motorsportforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=656801#post656801)

http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd187/sulisaeris/taco-bell.jpg

Thought for a second that was micko sicko jacko, then realized that was not a baby in the wrapper.....just eki, back at work

markabilly

3rd July 2009, 12:58

Easy Drifter

4th July 2009, 16:05

Markabilly accidently swallowed some coins and was rushed to hospital.
His missus called to ask how he was and a nurse said 'No change yet!' :eek:

Roamy

7th July 2009, 07:24

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America , the whole
beautiful country, and on each house I saw banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe
it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and
it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew.

Easy Drifter

7th July 2009, 16:58

A 110year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks how he is feeling.
'I have never felt better.' the oldboy replies. 'But I have something exciting I just have to tell you doc. I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.'
The dodtor is in shock and thinks for a moment.
He then says 'Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an avid hunter and he never misses. One day he is in a hurry and he grabs his unbrella by mistake instead of his gun.He is walking through the bush near a creek when he spots a beaver in the brush.He raises the unbrella, points it and squeezes the handle. Bam, the beaver drops dead in front of him.'
The old man says 'That is impossible. Someone else must have shot that beaver.'
'Exactly' says the doctor.

Easy Drifter

8th July 2009, 16:25

Two cows were standing in a field.
Becca says to Samantha 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you.' says Samantha.
'It's true. No bull.'

Easy Drifter

8th July 2009, 20:15

dOES aNyONE KnOW hoW tO usE ThE caPSLoCK KEy?

markabilly

9th July 2009, 14:57

Easy and el Donkey started to build a shed together. easy kept picking up nails out of the bucket, some he would use, but others he would just stick in his pocket.

Why, DonKey asked, are you doing that?"
Easy say, "cause I am going to use them on the other side of the shed?"

Why not go ahead and use them now???

Easy say, "cause the heads are on the wrong end of the nail, stupid"

markabilly

9th July 2009, 15:02

DonKey and Easy are on the roof of a building in a town in a middle of the night with a flash light. Easy points the light beam to the roof of another building and says: "Could you now walk on the light beam to the other building?"
"Of course I could"
Easy says "well, go ahead"

Donkey say "NO"...

Easy say "well, why not?"

DonKey say
"because I am not stupid, you mean old goat, you are going to turn the light off when I am in the middle!"

markabilly

9th July 2009, 15:14

Easy Drifter

9th July 2009, 17:28

Markabilly and Taz were trying their hand at farming.
They met one morning at the local cafe.
'Had some problems with my herd.' says Markabilly. 'My prize bull was impotent. But the vet, Donkey, came along and gave him some special medicine and now he seems to be doing fine.'
The next week the two meet again and this time it was Taz with the impotent bull.
'My bull is having trouble too.' said Taz. "What was the name of that impotent medicine that Donkey prescribed?'
Markabilly thought for a minute and then said 'Hmm, I am not quite sure but it tastes just like chocalate.'

Easy Drifter

9th July 2009, 17:31

Markabilly used to have a great job as a lifeguard at a nude beach.
Then some blue guy got him fired.

markabilly

10th July 2009, 01:19

Not my fault, he needed mouth to mouth, and i could not find easy anywhere

Easy Drifter

14th July 2009, 22:03

How do you catch a Bra?
Well first you have to set a boobie trap.

Two TV antennas met and fell in love and got married.
The wedding was nothing special but the reception was excellent.

markabilly

17th July 2009, 00:45

Tazio runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with donkey juke who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for "Taz le deda Nails".

"Give me a week," says he, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the donKey comes to see taz. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Taz le deda Nails, they'll hold anything."

taz goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more showing Jesus being nailed by Romans!"

Another week goes by and donKey jote comes back to see Taz with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus already nailed to the cross.

The Roman looks up at him and says 'Taz le de da Nails, they'll hold anything'.

Tazio is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything showing Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and tazio waits impatiently. The ole el donKey jote arrives and puts on the new video.

A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says "If only we had used Taz le de da Nails!".

markabilly

17th July 2009, 00:51

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Easy der drither waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"

"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."

"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Easy's hand still waving in desperation."

"OK, Easy, what do you think?"

"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."

"That's a strange answer, Easy. Why the feet?"

Easy answered, "Because I saw my mom with my brother, donKey jote, on top of her, with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"

payback......more to "come" :vader:

markabilly

17th July 2009, 01:05

el donKey jote was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When itwas his turn, he rolled the dice, moved the counter and landed on "Science & Nature."
the question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
donkey thought for short while and asked, "Is it on or off?"

Easy says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "Only if my prayers are answered"

taz and donkey were walking home along the railway tracks
el donkeazio says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here"

Taz says, "I'll tell you what's worse, these handrails are far too low"

:s mokin:

Easy Drifter

17th July 2009, 06:20

Many many years ago back in ancient times when Markabilly was a youngster he was playing hockey. His coach called him over and asked ' Do you understand what cooperation means?'
Markabiily nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that that what matters is not wether we win or lose but how we play together as a team?'
Markabilly nodded yes.
'So' the coach continued 'I am sure you know that when a penalty is called you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee or call him a peckerhead. Do you understand that?'
Again Markabilly nodded.
'Good' said the coach 'Now go over there and explain that all to your mother.'

markabilly

17th July 2009, 13:28

Easy says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "Only if my prayers are answered"

taz and easy were walking home along the railway tracks
Taz says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here"

el eazio says, "I'll tell you what's worse, these handrails are far too low"

:s mokin:

Easy Drifter

17th July 2009, 16:51

Markabilly Medical Terms

Cesaream Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labour pain: Getting hurt at work.
Rectum: Darned near killed him.

markabilly

18th July 2009, 13:37

Easy de la Drifter walks into his doctor's office and tells the Doc de la tazio he has a major problem. The Doc Asked, what is it?

Easy said he can not have sex. Why asked the Doc. Easy replied, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me."

The Doc said "let me take a look." easy rolled his pants down and the Doc almost fainted. 25 inches of penis. The Doc said "Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help."

But..........at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you.

Dejected the man left the office and said to himself--nothing ventured nothing gained and off to the witch he went. He told her of his problem and she too wanted to see. She said WOW there is no spell I can cast that will help. But.............. If you go behind my house into the woods, You will eventually reach a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says NO and it works, Your penis will shrink by 5 inches.

The men left and walked and sure enough he found the pond and low and behold there was the frog on the far shore. He yelled Hey frog, will you marry me?
She replied NO! he felt a tingle rolled his pants down and was amazed . His penis shrunk to 20 inches.

He said to himself, great!!! this worked but it is still too long. He yelled again, Hey frog, will you marry me? The frog replied --NO! he felt the tingle again and sure enough it shrunk by additional 5 inches to 15.

He said to himself. Thatâ€™s great but still not enough. He yelled again. FROG, will you marry me?

The frog replied NO! NO! NO! for the last time

markabilly

18th July 2009, 13:38

donKey Jote walks into his doctor's office and tells the Doc Markabilly, he has a major problem. The Doc Asked, "what is it?"

Donk said he can not have sex. Why asked the Doc. Donk replied, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me."

The Doc said "let me take a look." Donk rolled his pants down and the Doc almost fainted. 25 inches of penis. The Doc said "Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help."

"But..........at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you."

Dejected easy left the office and said to himself--nothing ventured nothing gained and off to the witch he went. He told her of his problem and she too wanted to see. She said "WOW there is no spell I can cast that will help. But.............. If you go behind my house into the woods, You will eventually reach a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says NO and it works, Your penis will shrink by 5 inches."

donKey left and walked and sure enough he found the pond and low and behold there was the frog on the far shore. He yelled "Hey frog, will you marry me?"

He replied "NO!"

he felt a tingle rolled his pants down and was amazed . His penis shrunk to 20 inches.

He said to himself, great!!! this worked but it is still too long. He yelled again, "Hey frog, will you marry me?"

The frog replied --"NO!"

he felt the tingle again and sure enough it shrunk by additional 5 inches to 15.

He said to himself. That is great but still not enough. He yelled again. "FROG, will you marry me?"

The frog replied, "how many times must i tell you, the answer is NO, NO, NO and NO"

and now we know why donkey's mum is the only one who will have sex with him.......yo mama

markabilly

18th July 2009, 14:01

A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on
"Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of
deductive reasoning skills.

"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's
round and red."

Little tazio in the front row stuck his little hand up. "Is it a
cherry?" he inquired.

"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way
you think."

Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my
back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"

"A banana! A banana!" shouted little donKey.

"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way
you think."

A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Easy. "Hey
teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be
outdone the teacher agreed.

easy swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand
into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket.
It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "easy,
that's obscene, sit down."

"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of
his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

markabilly

18th July 2009, 14:05

99 reasons why beer is better than women:

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month or two about something in the oven.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are heads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy channel.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera, soap or otheerwise.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

Roamy

18th July 2009, 16:21

Think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about nakedwomen. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

markabilly

18th July 2009, 18:39

:rotflmao:

the whole time i was reading it, I thought she was going to say her name was Danica.......

doing her commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RWQ_vlySxE&feature=related

yah boy

or this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_5CaJqv9rM&feature=related

Did u hear that she has fallen in love?

andretti made a pass on her...

markabilly

18th July 2009, 23:17

Easy: Why does donKey say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck".

Mrs. donkey: Because he thinks he's a chicken http://www.zoomschool.com/rgifs/Rooster.GIF .

Easy: Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken ?

Mrs. donKey: Because we need the eggs .

remember boys:

http://img.printfection.com/9/2519169/GIOPY.jpg

Easy Drifter

23rd July 2009, 08:08

My wife says I have the body of a God.

Say, just who is Buddha anyway?

Easy Drifter

24th July 2009, 14:13

Two doctors in Orillia have invented a device that improves your posture. It gives you a small electric shock every time you slouch.
The device is called 'Your Mother-with-a-Taser.'

If the good Lord wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

Easy Drifter

30th July 2009, 07:42

Bumper Sticker on a motorhome:

Don't tailgate or I will flush.

Easy Drifter

30th July 2009, 17:12

I bought a new Chevy Silverado but couldn't get the radio to work. I returned to the dealership and the salesman explained it had a new voice activated radio. He said 'Listen' He then said 'Nelson.'
The radio instantly responded with 'Willie or Ricky.'
He then said 'Willie'.
Immediately the radio came on with 'On the Road Again.'
The salesman said 'Ray Charles' and we got Georgia on My Mind'.
I was impressed and for the next few days whenever I said 'Beethoven' I would get beautiful classical music and if I said 'Beatles' I would get one of their awsome songs.
Yesterday some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck but I managed to avoid him.
I yelled 'Asshole'
The radio immediately responded with 'Ladies and Gentlemen, The Prime Minister of Canada'.

markabilly

31st July 2009, 05:43

Two moderators was awalking down a road and started crossing some railroad tracks.

One said "stop, those look like deer tracks"
The other says, "No, they are moose tracks"

Tazio comes up and says "Train!"

Both started doing jumping jacks. :bounce:
the train almost stopped... :eek: ..but only the Taz was left to smile :D

Roamy

31st July 2009, 17:52

Ferrari has asked rival teams for permission to have Michael Schumacher test this year's car during the testing ban ahead of the European Grand Prix.

The German driver will replace Felipe Massa at the Maranello-based squad in Valencia, but Schumacher had not driven a Formula 1 car since last year.

The seven-time champion has already began his preparations for the race, having taken to the Mugello circuit today in a two-year-old F2007 car.

But Ferrari has written to the FIA and to its rival teams asking to allow Schumacher to test for a day with this year's F60 car in order to arrive better prepared for the Valencia race.

Easy Drifter

31st July 2009, 18:47

A Mod (not Pino) took his Caddy into the dealership and asked a mechanic to replace his 710.
The mechanic was dumbfounded as he had no idea what a 710 was.
The Mod opened the Caddy's hood and told him it was a plastic cap that fitted over a hole.
The mechanic grinned, shook his head and went to the Parts Dept. He came back with a new 710 top.
He put it on and tightened it so it the Mod could see the word OIL. :dozey:

Easy Drifter

1st August 2009, 16:16

Markabilly shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour, crawled painfully onto a stool and ordered a banana split.The waitress asked 'Crushed nuts?'
Markabilly replied 'No, just arthritis.'

Camelopard

2nd August 2009, 12:22

Joke of the week is Rudi Koertzen, I said after the last test he should retire, the guy is a disgrace.........

markabilly

2nd August 2009, 12:41

Joke of the week is Rudi Koertzen, I said after the last test he should retire, the guy is a disgrace.........
what i like about cricket is that a cricket crunches much louder than a roach when you step on them

Camelopard

3rd August 2009, 10:15

A local charity realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to extract a contribution.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are well beyond her means?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "OR that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"OR how about that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

markabilly

4th August 2009, 02:49

An ambulance arrived to recover the remains of a "certain moderator".... they saw Taz standing there, so they asked him what happenned.

taz said "He fell of the 20 foot ladder in the gym"

So they asked "how"
taz said, "I do not know, all I know is that I saw him at the top, holding a light bulb against a socket. So I asked him why he was not turning it in order to screw it in"

So they say, "what did he say?"

He said, "I do not need to, because the world revolves around me, so I just hold it and it will screw itself in"

So, what happenned next?

Taz, "I thought about it for a moment, then hollered "Train!!

then he started doing jumping jacks...."

They said, "well that was pretty bad, aren't you ashamed....."
Taz said, "well it could have been worse, i could have said "napcar", "nastycar", "TG fanboy", "markabilly"........

Easy Drifter

6th August 2009, 06:11

There are Three Types of Men.

1. Those who learn and understand from reading.
2. Those who learn by observation.
3. Those who go ahead and pee on the electric fence anyway and have to find out things the hard way.

My sex life isn't dead but the vultures are circling.

Camelopard

10th August 2009, 14:29

Pinched from somewhere else, old but funny:

Error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku.

1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
4. Windows crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain. Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. The page is not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
12. Having been erased, the document you’re seeking must now be retyped.
13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Easy Drifter

11th August 2009, 16:32

Warning

The dog has a gun and refuses to take his medication!!!

Easy Drifter

13th August 2009, 05:18

While attending a 'Marriage Encounter Seminar' Markabilly and his wife listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addresssed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Markabilly leaned over and gently touched his wife's arm and whispered 'Pillsbury All-purpose isn't it?'
And thus began Markabilly's life of celibracy.

Easy Drifter

13th August 2009, 17:59

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
The other 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Easy Drifter

17th August 2009, 22:20

Simcoe County (Where I live) Joke Week

Orillia OPP arrested a woman for causing an accident while talking on her cell phone.
The charge was driving while in-talksicated.

Last winter in a sleet storm my old windshield wiper blades fell apart.
Thinking quickly I pulled over and started looking under large rocks until I found 2 hibernating Massassuaga Rattlesnakes. I straightened them out and installed them. They worked perfectly.
What?? You have never heard of wind chilled vipers?

Last Saturday a Georgian Bay man was rushed to Midland Hospital after biting a Massassuaga Rattlesnake on the lips.
Today the Hospital upgraded his condition fro critical to stupid.

More to come.

Easy Drifter

18th August 2009, 14:58

Health Officials in Simcoe County are investigating an outbreak of E-Coli cases at the Coldwater fair.
It was discovered that all 20 people reporting symtoms not only all attended the fair but participated in a manure eating contest.

The owner of a feed lot in Severn Twp. was confused about paying an invoice. He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Waubaushene and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000.00 minus 14% how much would you take off?"
She replied "Everything but my earrings."

Easy Drifter

20th August 2009, 03:20

A Victoria Harbour woman was worried wether or not her recently deceased husband had made it to heaven. She decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. Sure enough after the usual mumbo jumbo of calling to the spirits hes late husband's voice was heard answering.
'Hello, Margaret, this is meee.'
She answered 'Fred, I just have to know if your happy there in the afterlife? What is it like there?'
'OOOOOOH. It is much more beautiful than I ever imagined. The sky is bluer and the pastures are more green and lush than I ever expected. All we do all day long is eat, sleep and make love over and over.'
Thank God you made it to heaven.' his wife replied.
'Heaven?' He replied 'What heaven? I am a bull in Severn Township!'

Easy Drifter

20th August 2009, 15:10

One Simcoe County joke and one Toronto joke today.
Last of the Simcoe County jokes for a while tomorrow,

My neighbor Steve, of the Town of Midland Police, arrested the owner of a second hand shop for indecency.
He was selling pawn-a-graphic materials.

It was so hot last weekend that Toronto Maple Leaf fans were removing the paper bags from their heads.

Easy Drifter

21st August 2009, 16:54

Simcoe County Rules of the Road

When pulling onto highway 12 cut off other cars and then drive very slowly.
In Midland never come to a full stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear ended.
Look behind you frequently with a very paranoid look.
Let pedestrians know who is boss.
Vary your speed inversely with the speed limit.
Always brake hard and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim
It is tradition in Simcoe Countyto honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three miiliseconds after the light changes green.
When riding a bike ignore all stop signs and red lights.
The faster you drive through a red light the less chance you have of getting hit.
Never maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front. This space will be filled by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous position.
Turn signals will give away your next move. An Orillia driver avoids them.
Always always put the brakes on before even considering signaling.

Easy Drifter

24th August 2009, 19:26

Apparently Eve had an Apple and Adam had a Wang!

Easy Drifter

25th August 2009, 06:41

There has been a major problem with the computers on the Space Station.The whole operating system went down. While they have got things sort of working now they are hoping to be able to get in touch with Tech Support when they next go over India.

Easy Drifter

26th August 2009, 15:20

Dress code for the classiest restaurant in Waubaushene:

Four teeth minimium!

Easy Drifter

27th August 2009, 14:45

When I was a kid I told my mother that I was going to run away from home.

She said 'On your mark----.

I will be a Mosport for 3 days so somebody else had better post!!!!

Roamy

27th August 2009, 23:29

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of beer in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the f___k do you think?"

crazzycat

31st August 2009, 09:14

yeah....cool joke!!!

Easy Drifter

2nd September 2009, 05:05

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head.
I will stay back and give these two a lift.

If you die in an elavator--- always be sure to push the up button.

Easy Drifter

3rd September 2009, 02:09

Simcoe County Jokes Strike Again

A dog in Orillia gave birth to puppies on Memorial Avenue.
The OPP have cited her for littering.

Midland Police are worried about a group of ex cons that have began surfing in Midland Harbour.
Seems the Town is worried about a crime wave.

Four out of five Simcoe County dentists recommend playing hockey.

A Tay township lad was excited when his father finally agreed to take him to the Zoo.
When he got home his mother asked him if he had a good time.
He replied 'It was great, especially when one of the animals daddy picked came in at 20 to 1.'

Easy Drifter

5th September 2009, 14:28

Remember --- Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer to the end the faster it goes!

markabilly

5th September 2009, 17:24

http://news.aol.com/article/oil-trade-talks-helped-free-libya-bomber/630527?icid=main|hp-laptop|dl1|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Fartic le%2Foil-trade-talks-helped-free-libya-bomber%2F630527

schmenke

8th September 2009, 15:02

As Drifter's missus comes out of the loo he remarks "Honey, did you notice the new toilet brush I just bought?"
"Yeah, it's o.k." she replies, "but I still prefer paper."

Daniel

8th September 2009, 15:05

Here's mine

A group of ignorant retards sign up to a forum and suggest bias by the FIA towards Ferrari/Citroen with no evidence at all.

Oh wait that's not a joke, that's just the people we get on this forum :D

schmenke

8th September 2009, 15:19

Someone poop in your corn flakes this morning Daniel? :p :

Daniel

8th September 2009, 15:21

Someone poop in your corn flakes this morning Daniel? :p :
If by poop in my cornflakes you mean have I dealt with people today who have less technical knowledge and less comprehension skills than the most idiotic of F1 forum members then yes.

driveace

8th September 2009, 15:55

A guy sitting on a plane is joined by a guy on the end seat who has a dog,which sits between then.The 1st guy thinks this is odd,So he says to the guy" how come you have brought a dog onto the plane,andhe sits on the seat next to me".He says " I work for the customs,and this dog can pick up on passengers with drugs".After the plane takes of the guy tell his dog to GO.So off it goes and stops by a woman.Then comes back taps the owners knee once and sits down.The guys says what is he telling you?.OH he is telling me that ,she has Cannabis ,so I take her seat number and she is arrested once we land.Next he tell the dog to go again ,this time he stops by a guy,comes back to tap his owners knee twice.Whats he telling you now .OH he says that that guy has Cocaine on him so again I take his seat number.Then he tells the dog to go again,this time the dog goes down the isle ,then hurries back sits on his middle seat and s all over it.The guys says "Hey why has he done that .,is he telling you something now" Yes says the owner"He has just found a bomb"

schmenke

8th September 2009, 15:58

driveace

8th September 2009, 16:19

the word missing from the 2nd to last line in the joke i posted that started with an S was sh*ts or Cr*ps all over the seat.

Easy Drifter

9th September 2009, 22:18

Sign on back of Amish Carriage:

Energy Efficient Vehicle.
Runs on Grass and Oats
CAUTION: Avoid Exhaust.

anthonyvop

10th September 2009, 01:28

Why did the French plant tress along the Paris Streets?

Because the Germans like marching in the shade.

Why did the French cut them down?

Because the Muslims like marching in the Sun.

Easy Drifter

10th September 2009, 03:50

Refrigerator Notes

My lovely Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, now being 54 years old, can now longer supply. I am still very happy with you and I value you greatly as a good wife. Therefore I hope you will, after reading this note, will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Motel. Please do not be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

New Refrigerator Note

My Dear Husband:
I received and acknowledge your note and I thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a math instuctor at our local college. I would also like to inform you that as you read this I will be at the Quality Inn with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virlie and like your sectretary 18 years old.
As a very successful businessman who has an excellent comprehension of mathematics you will understand we are in the same situation with one small difference.
Eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen!

Easy Drifter

10th September 2009, 05:31

How to Rope a Deer!

Markabilly had this briliant idea of roping a deer, putting it is a stall for a few weeks and feeding it corn and then killing it and having delicious venison for several meals.
Since they congregated at his cattle feeder when he was feeding his cattle he figured this would be easy. The bold ones often came right up to him while he was putting the feed out. He figured it would be easy to toss a rope over one, hog tie it and with a bag over its head put it in a stall.
He filled the feeder and stood well back. The cattle having seen the rope before also stood well back. Well the deer came right up to the feeder and Markabilly picked out a nice large Buck. He deftly tossed the rope over the deer.
The deer just stood there and looked at Markabilly as he wrapped the rope around his waist. It appeared mildly concerned but just stood there. He took a step towards it and put a little tension on the rope. He took another step towards it and put some more tension on the rope. That was when Markabilly's education began.
The first thing he learned was that when you put a rope on them they may just stand there looking at you funny. But when you start pulling on it they EXPLODE.
The next thing he learned is that a deer is a whole lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range he could handle with little trouble. Not a deer.
It ran, it bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it.

Roamy

10th September 2009, 15:17

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for
the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was
somewhat troubled because it was writte n in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it
.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and
they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the
note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI
were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone
and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: Dude .............You're holding it upside down!

anthonyvop

10th September 2009, 18:05

12th September 2009, 07:46

Rome Seasons 1-2 DVD Boxset (http://www.dvdcollects.com/products/Rome-Seasons-1-2-DVD-Boxset-DVDS-1310.html)
The L Word Seasons 1-6 DVD Boxset (http://www.dvdcollects.com/products/The-L-Word-Seasons-1-6-DVD-Boxset-DVDS-1712.html)
The Apprentice Season 1-7 DVD Boxset (http://www.dvdcollects.com/products/The-Apprentice-Season-1-7-DVD-Boxset-DVDS-1560.html)
NCIS box sets (http://www.dvdcollects.com/products/Navy-NCIS-Naval-Criminal-Investigative-Service-Season-1-6-DVD-Boxset-DVDS-1679.html)

Camelopard

12th September 2009, 19:37

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Easy Drifter

13th September 2009, 16:57

Actual Headline in today's Canoe.Ca news

BODY FOUND IN GRAVEYARD

Easy Drifter

16th September 2009, 14:45

Emily-Sue had passed away and Markabilly called 911.
The 911 Operator told Markabilly she would dispatch the appropriate people right away and asked where he lived.
Markabilly answered 'Right at the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked him to spell it.
There was a very long pause and Markablly replied ' How about I drag her over to Oak Street?'

Roamy

17th September 2009, 16:01

Define the "Ring of Fire"

When you reach for the Vaseline and get the Ben Gay instead !!

Roamy

19th September 2009, 04:54

Bonus Time

Subject: A Few Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying !
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful

daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show you
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's t his?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer..

'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Easy Drifter

19th September 2009, 15:57

Supposedly true!

A doctor was caring for a woman from Kentucky in a hospital.
He asked her how breakfast was.
She replied 'It was very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem to get used to the taste.
The doctor asked to see the jellyand the woman produced a tin foil package labled KY Jelly.

Easy Drifter

22nd September 2009, 01:36

Scientists have discovered a food the diminnishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called a wedding cake.

Ontario Provincial Police confiscated a $20 million marjuana crop the was being grown right next to a Girl Guide Camp.
The Police became suspicious when the Girl Guides sold $20 million worth of cookies.

Easy Drifter

23rd September 2009, 01:49

It is early morning at CFB Borden. The sargeant is calling out names for the daily work parties.

Eki: Here!
Markabilly: Here!
Ion: Here!
Drifter: Here!
Seeback:
No answer.
SEEBACK:
No Answer.
A voice from behind the line called out:

Turn the paper over Sarge.

Easy Drifter

26th September 2009, 07:45

Sorry for no jokes for a couple of days. I have knee problems (30 odd years working on race cars and 15 years pretending to be a hockey goalie) and Wed. my right knee declared war. By this morning I could barely move. Family doctor away until Oct. 5.
Ex picked me up and got me into car about noon. Went to Emerg. Triage nurse (where you first go) looked at knee and agreed with me a Cortisone shot needed. Paperwork completed sat in waiting room 3/4 hour. No problem, not really an Emergency. Then into a bed. Two more nurses. They agree but a doctor has to see me. 2 1/2 hours later sees me and pokes and prods. Agrees on cortisone shot. He is new to Hospital and does not know if he can do this in Emerg. Answer yes. Now to my thinking why can't a nurse do it. Nope, protocol. When my doctor does it in his office he swabs the area with alcohol and injects Cortisone. His receptionist is not a nurse.
In Hospital what a production. Nurse come in an lays out an operating room. Bowl with disinfectant, 3 cotton swabs, bandage, forceps, 2 vials of freezing material, 2 needles and cortisone. Doc comes in complete with rubber gloves and a nurse! 3 swabs of disinfectant applied one after the other with Doc picking them up with the forceps. Crap running down my leg. Next the needle to freeze area. (Why bother, that needle same size as one with cortisone.) Finally Cortisone injected. Area doesn't bleed so opened bandage tossed.
Took altogether 5 hours.
Now I certainly admit that there were far more serious cases than me but the procedure to do the injection probably took a good half hour from the time the Doctor agreed with me and the 3 nurses!
If my doc had been available probably 10 min. max including the time to get the cortisone from a pharmacy, in the same building. And this is no joke but shows why health care costs are crazy. I have a Hospital closer to me in Midland than Soldiers in Orillia but all my records including what heart meds I take are at Soldiers. In Midland they would have had to contact Soldiers to get the info. Cortisone acting quickly so I can walk slowly with cane. Sometimes takes 3 days to start working.

After all that here is a joke.

A handsome youg lad from Victoria Harbour (that eliminates me) had to have minor operation.
He went to Soldiers Memorial Hospital in Orillia and checked himself in and had the operation.
The day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see him and how he was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses that who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pilows, make the bed, give back rubs etc.
"Wow, why are you getting all this attention? You look fine to me." his friend said.
"I know, I know. But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they heard my circumcision required 27 stitches."

Easy Drifter

28th September 2009, 21:38

Next time you want to be alone try washing the dishes.

Message to teenagers (Wade)
You may as well leave home while you know everything.

A computer once beat me at Chess.
However it was no match for me at kick boxing.

olla86

29th September 2009, 07:42

JOKE
Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards ...

Roamy

30th September 2009, 18:10

BUBBA'S Surefire pick up lines

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!

1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away..

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Roamy

3rd October 2009, 17:33

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know the rest of the story!

Easy Drifter

5th October 2009, 15:33

I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches around the world.
Maybe you have seen some of it.

I had a horrible dream last night.
I dreamt I had the worlds largest glass of Tequilal.
I woke up this morning and there was salt on the toilet seat.
Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm!

schmenke

6th October 2009, 14:56

Drifter enters his usual watering-hole. The usual bartender has been replaced with a robot bartender. The robot serves him his usual pina coloda, perfectly prepared, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environment interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

Drifter is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another cocktail. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter responds, "about 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, super models, favorite fast foods and guns.

Really impressed, Drifter leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says.... real slowly.

"So................You.. gonna.. follow.. the.. Leafs.. again... this... year?"....

Mark in Oshawa

6th October 2009, 15:58

Easy Drifter

7th October 2009, 01:06

Only trouble is my favourite drink is Isle of Islay single malt scotch. I just can't afford it!

Come on now everybody knows the Leafs always win the Stanley Cup----In Sept. The last time they won I had played against some of them!!!!!

Anyway:: Statistics Canada in another one of their brilliant survey's has determined that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

And Health Canada has traced the swine Flu to one little piggy that went to market when he should have stayed home.

A pub in England has a condom machine in the Men's room which reads "Manufactured to Strict British Standards."
Scrawled underneath was "So was the Titanic."

Easy Drifter

9th October 2009, 02:03

Shmenke tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. 'I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for an appointment and if I don't park here I will lose my job. Forgive us out trespasses.'
When he came back he found a parking ticket from the Calgary police and a note.
'I have circled this block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket I will lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

Easy Drifter

10th October 2009, 06:05

Markabilly comes home and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks 'What are you doing?'
She replies 'I went to the doctor today and he said I had the breasts of a 25 year old.'
He retorts 'Well what did he say about your 60 year old ass?'
She replies 'Frankly my dear, your name never came up.'

Curryhead

11th October 2009, 21:47

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
******************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...
******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Daniel

11th October 2009, 22:23

Long time no see curryhead! :)

Easy Drifter

12th October 2009, 02:30

Signs you are at a NAPCAR (sorry Starter NASCAR) funeral.

Casket features a Goodwrench paint scheme.
The deceased is referred to as being out of provisionals.
Eulogy is delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch.
Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession.
Hearse is referred to as the pace car.
First time mourners have a yellow 'rookie stripe' on the trunk of their cars.
No coolers over 14 inches are allowed in the chapel.
If a pall bearer trips a yellow caution flag goes up.
Hearse does a victory donut burnout in the graveyard.

Camelopard

12th October 2009, 08:16

Unashamedly pinched from pistonheads, sorry if it's a repost on here!

A couple got married and went to America for their honeymoon. Whilst there they visit a Red Indian reservation and there's an old Red Indian chief sat outside a teepee cross-legged with a head-dress, war paint, his arms folded and a serious expression on his face. Next to him is a sign saying "Ask me any question for $1 - if I am wrong I will give you $100"

The man goes up to the chief, places a dollar bill on a plate in front of him and asks him, "Who won the 1921 Scottish FA Cup Final?"

Without altering his expression, the chief answers immediately, without altering his expression, "Partick Thistle."

The man is amazed by this and continues on his way.

For their Golden wedding anniversary, they decide to visit America again. Whilst there, they are passing the reservation and he says to his wife, "Let's see if the old chief's still there!"

They walk onto the reservation and they are surprised to see that he still is. He goes over, sits cross legged in front of him and places a dollar bill on the plate. He raises his arm with the palm of his hand facing forward and says "How!"

The chief replies, "Sandy Blair - diving header in the 81st minute."

Easy Drifter

12th October 2009, 21:37

A little girl wrote to Santa Claus saying the only thing she wanted for Christmas was a sister.
Santa, touched by the girl's letter responded instantly saying "I would love to send you a sister but first you must send me your mother."

Camelopard

13th October 2009, 09:52

In light of another thread this may upset some people, all I can say is don't take evrything so seriously, anyway again pinched from pistonheads:

School Attitudes 1977 vs. School 2009

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.

Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

Easy Drifter

15th October 2009, 14:28

A recent study has found that the average Cdn. walks about 900 miles ayear.
Another study found that Cdns. drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means on average Cdns. get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Easy Drifter

20th October 2009, 01:31

There was a woman who looked very old so she went to her doctor to see if there was any way to get rid of all her wrinkles. The doctor said there was an experimental surgery that should get rid of her wrinkles but there might be some side effects.
She decided to go ahead. She had a small knob on the back of her neck which she was to twist a little each day.
The wrinkles gradually disappeared and people commented on how good she was looking.
However there was something bothering her so she went back to the surgeon.
She told him she had developed bags under her eyes and that was bothering her.
The doctor looked at her and repied "Oh, those are your breasts."
She then said "Well, what about the goatee?"

donKey jote

20th October 2009, 23:59

:laugh:

Easy Drifter

22nd October 2009, 15:56

An old man woke up screaming one day in the nursing home. He picked up and called his wife, who knew he had been constipated the day before.
When she picks up the phone he gripes 'That damn laxative was gauranteed to work by 8 am.'
His wife asks 'Well did it work?'
He screams ' Yes, but I didn't wake up until 9!'

Camelopard

22nd October 2009, 20:13

Old and nicked from another forum:

London 11th August - A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," he said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

Easy Drifter

23rd October 2009, 03:31

It has been a long standing joke in Toronto, once the Leafs always won the Stanley Cup in training camp in Sept. that the fans wore paper bags over their heads so people would not recognize them.
This year, after the Buds super start of zip wins and 7 losses the players are doing the same thing.

Easy Drifter

24th October 2009, 03:02

The last time the Toronto Maple Laffs won the Stanley Cup was in 1967.
It has become a bit of a joke that Leaf fans go around with a paper bag over their heads
This year is different!!
Now the players are wearing bags over their heads! :eek:

Camelopard

27th October 2009, 03:53

Pinched from a british rally forum:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Easy Drifter

28th October 2009, 04:23

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci---

What do you call a intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumour.

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

On your way home you take a right, 3 lefts and then you see 2 men in masks. Who are these men?

They are the umpire and the catcher.

Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.

schmenke

30th October 2009, 14:16

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a super human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
".....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Easy Drifter

31st October 2009, 01:02

Schmenke's joke reminded me of a real life fire and I was a witness.
The racing group I was involved with had an annual party at one of the driver's homes just outside of Hanover, Ont. The town was called by us Hangover. It occurred in Feb. and was known as the St. Valentines Day Massacre.
One year an immensive bankrupt furniture factory caught fire, probably arson. The factory took up an entire large block, although there were a couple of buildings. This was mid 80's.
We got told of the fire at the party because relatives of our host had businesses not far away.
So about 8 pm in various stages of bombed we drove in to watch. Sobered up in a hurry.
The fire was huge and Hanover's Fire Dept. was totally overwhelmed. Two pumpers neither large and both probably from the early 70's or late 60's.
The Walkerton Fire Dept. was called in. For Cdns. Walkerton is best known for the tainted water disaster.
They sent their 2 pumpers, both about the vintage of Hanover's.
Remember we are talking towns of about 5 to 8 thousand people in very rural Ont.
One had a water cannon. It took 5 tries to get it working.
There was no question they were losing ground. Some extremely brave firemen (all volunteers) were in a tunnel connecting the two main buildings trying to keep the fire from the other building. They did suceed.
A Coke sign on a store across the street from the main fire started to melt. The firefighters and their trucks were closer to the fire.
Another relatively local fire dept. had been called on to assist. They had a relatively large Dept. for a town smaller than either Hanover or Walkerton but wealthy. They were also well known for their speed traps. They had 4 pumpers and a areial ladder truck. They refused to help. Would not send anything.
By this time people were being told not to use water and definetly not to flush!
Then the close by Neustadt Fire Dept landed. Their pumper was from the early 30's. There wasn't room on the truck for all the volunteers so they had the town municipal snow plow covered with men. Now we are talking real small town rural Ont. The one and only town truck had no licence as the MTO had pulled it off the road. It finally got stopped when it hit lightly a building.
The Neustadt Fire Dept had been on standby to help for 4 hours. Across the street from the fire hall was the Neustadt Tavern. Maybe there was a sober fireman but I doubt it.
Shortly after the reason they had been called became apparent. An areial ladder truck arrived from Owen Sound about 40 minutes away. The Temp. was about 15 degrees below 0 F. This was an open truck! Like not even an enclosed cab. The Neustadt pumper was solely to supply water to the Owen Sound Ladder truck.
As soon as they got it in operation the water cannon and other hoses were redirected as now it could be seen where to fight the fire.
When they got it under control there was less than a 1/2 hour of water left!
The area is now a beautiful park in Downtown Hanover.
Quite a night.
Real jokes will resume shortly.

Easy Drifter

31st October 2009, 15:40

Returning to our regularly scheduled jokes:

A Love Story.
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love.

The Flu.

Easy Drifter

6th November 2009, 03:28

Rejected Dr. Suess Books:

Dr. Suess' Massage Parlour.
Dr. Suess and the Ladies of the Night.
Dr. Suess and the Tranvestites.
Dr. Suess finds a Hooker.
Dr. Suess leads the Gay Pride Parade.
Dr. Suess Discovers a New Pussy.
Dr. Suess gets High.
Dr. Suess and the Drug Squad.
Dr. Suess and the Madame.
Dr. Suess meets Mad Max.

Easy Drifter

10th November 2009, 01:05

A man from Drummondville, Quebec has attracted some attention when he filed his 2007 and 2008 Income Tax returns and listed his occupation as 'Hired Killer'.
Revenue Canada has yet to actually question the man about his response. He doubts they ever will as long as he encloses a cheque for the money owing along with his return.
Just in case you are wondering his actual occupation is a pest exterminator.

gloomyDAY

10th November 2009, 03:53

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

schmenke

10th November 2009, 15:55

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb..."

"Who is it?", asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

gloomyDAY

13th November 2009, 07:38

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little sh*ts in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little c*nts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the f*cking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “sh*t!sh*t !.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “sh*t! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT!f*ck !.” By now, the kid is scared less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m f*cking HIV POSITIVE.”

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just f*cked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the c*nt she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

:rotflmao:

Easy Drifter

15th November 2009, 01:46

Most supermarkets have an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh (and often soaks your sleeve). Just before it turns on you hear the sound of distant thunder.
A new supermarket nearby has taken the concept a way too far.
When you pass the dairy case you hear the sound of cows mooing and the smell of fresh hay.
In the meat Dept. there is a sizziling sound and the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and fried onions.
When you approach the egg case you hear the sounds of hens cackling and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread dept. features the tantilizing smell of fresh baked bread and bagels.

Let us just say I no longer go down the toilet paper aisle.

markabilly

15th November 2009, 02:23

Best two jokes I have heard lately was

Sarah palain saying her Playboy posing white trash father of her daughter's baby was welcome to come to thanksgiving dinner

And i was going to add Ms. Prejean taking the high moral road despite her sex tapes on Larry King and other shows.....but I got to listening and looking carefully :crazy: and decided that .....well does anybody know how i can locate a set???? :bounce:

Not for me of course, just for that ole fart easy drifter....

was gonna include Donkey and tazio, but one is banned and the tapes probably not gay enuff for el buzzard donKey :p imp:

Remember boys, it is the thought that counts :love:

gloomyDAY

16th November 2009, 06:53

Roping A Deer

(Names have been removed to protect the stupid)

Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer? No chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -- a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a mad dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

Langdale Forest

18th November 2009, 20:03

Fenwick is in the Toyota truck but I guess that is not as bad as always being called a Toyota.

Camelopard

19th November 2009, 21:11

More non p.c. stuff, change 'Australia' to where ever you live!

*The Squirrel and The Grasshopper:*

*THE ?**REST OF THE WORLD**?** VERSION*

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

*THE END*

*THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION *

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labor Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house.
The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was
doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case
the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released
because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
in Australia .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will
have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

*THE END*

Easy Drifter

20th November 2009, 03:31

Sounds like Canada!!!
In the Meantime----

My wife told me I couldn't afford to buy beer or any liquor and that I would have to quit. No more nights out either.
I then discovered that she had spent over $100 on makeup.
Being a stupid male I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she did not.
I was informed that she required the make up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what I needed the booze for.
I do not think I will see her again until the court date.

markabilly

21st November 2009, 13:58

Roamy

23rd November 2009, 05:50

Honk if you love Jesus
Text while driving if you want to meet him!!

Roamy

23rd November 2009, 05:53

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

markabilly

23rd November 2009, 07:56

....and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
i don't get it...what was Easy doing in your closet???

probably would not need starter pistol, although I am also wondering how starter lost his pistol since i did not think he had one to lose...... :confused:

Easy Drifter

23rd November 2009, 17:15

Now Markabilly that is not very nice when I got you a job driving for USF1.

I know it is only the latrine truck -- but still! :D :eek:

Easy Drifter

28th November 2009, 02:06

Marriage is like poker.
You start with a pair and end with a full house.

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For Bird Flu you need tweeckment.
For Swine Flu you need Oikment.

ozrevhead

29th November 2009, 04:20

Honk if you love Jesus
Text while driving if you want to meet him!!
I like that :D

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

ozrevhead

29th November 2009, 04:45

A lady is getting changed when she hears a knock at the door

'Who is it?' she asks as she pulled up her skirt

'A blind man' is the reply from the other side of the door

Thank Christ thinks the woman - he wont know I don't have a top on and she opens the door and quickly shuts it behind him.

Nice tits love - where do you want me to hang the blinds?

Q: What does Mozart do now that he is dead?
A: He decomposes.

Why Does ET have big eyes?
He saw his phone bill

A policeman sees a woman driving and knitting at the same time.

Enraged, he yells out "PULL OVER!!!"

The woman, still driving, smiles sweetly and says "Nah, it's a cardigan!"

Enjoy!

markabilly

29th November 2009, 14:33

Now Markabilly that is not very nice when I got you a job driving for USF1.

I know it is only the latrine truck -- but still! :D :eek:
Well, I knew you must be the guy in the closet, cause I figured you would not have anything close to 3 inches to lose..... :love:

markabilly

3rd December 2009, 03:08

......and tell Fousto to stop looking for his three inches, most likely it was all digested in the small intestine by now.....

Easy Drifter

7th December 2009, 01:56

You all realize that a Finn (Hi Eki) is a Norwegian turned inside out!

Some say Markabilly is the spawn of Satan.
Sorry I disclaim all responsibility.

Everyone has some sort of standard to keep! :eek:

markabilly

7th December 2009, 05:44

Some say Markabilly is the spawn of Satan.
! :eek:
Daddy, daddy......at long last......but the only question I got as to whether it b true... is while u r certainly old enough, how come I got five times more than three inches???????

markabilly

7th December 2009, 05:52

speakin of such,,,,

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change."

With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke

Easy Drifter

7th December 2009, 17:11

Markabilly, you have got to stop getting inches and millimeters mixed up! :confused: :D

markabilly

8th December 2009, 06:43

Markabilly, you have got to stop getting inches and millimeters mixed up! :confused: :D
You are right!!! THANKS!!! Been selling myself short all this time. I measured and discovered that I have far more length in millimeters than i do in inches... :up:

three hundred ninety-two even sounds better than fifteen

Captain VXR

10th December 2009, 20:55

Just slightly sexist

A woman walks into a bar...

Don't be stupid, she was in the kitchen!

I don't care what anyone says about Tiger Woods, he is still a hell of a player.

Not a bad golfer either.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stopped after 3 Ho's.

Customs officials in Saudi Arabia have caught a man trying to smuggle a suitcase full of mascara into the country. They say police arrested him and took him to the town square where he received his punishment of one hundred lashes.

ozrevhead

11th December 2009, 13:24

Q What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A: Tiger woods can drive a golf ball more than 200 metres.

Aparrently Tiger Woods is going to change his name by Deed poll. He will now be known as Cheetah.

Someone once said that Tiger Woods was a good driver.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
A: They went clubbing.

MrJan

11th December 2009, 16:42

Maybe a bit fruity for some of the mods but I'll risk the infraction points.

a husband walks into the bedroom and says to his wife;

"fancy playing the rape game?"

"NO"

"that's the spirit"

Also did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

Donney

11th December 2009, 18:39

ozrevhead

12th December 2009, 12:36

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown. The guy rushes back to the store and walks in.

The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

Langdale Forest

15th December 2009, 19:13

Honk if you love Jesus
Text while driving if you want to meet him!!

Jesus is long dead!

markabilly

16th December 2009, 03:06

Once many years ago, I saw the following scratched on the wall of an elevator at a university:

"God is dead"

-Frederich Nietzsche

and somebody else had scratched right below:

"Nietzsche is dead"

-God

Easy Drifter

16th December 2009, 03:49

Stolen from a sarcastic thread about Speed TV on the CASC site.

Speed has a new 6 part mini series coming up:
'How I met Jr's Gardner'.

ozrevhead

16th December 2009, 13:12

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a *** tail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the

ozrevhead

16th December 2009, 13:18

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, 'Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.'

'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'

'Well, you have no nipples.'

'None of the people in my tribe have nipples' she replied.

'That is amazing,' said the doctor, 'I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, 'OK.'

'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'

She answered, 'Approximately 500.'

'We're called 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'

Easy Drifter

26th December 2009, 00:29

Exciting New Speed TV Show !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Fishing Daytona's Lake Lloyd with hosts Darrell and Mikey Waltrip.

Different NAPCAR drivers every week with special guest appearances by the stars of Wrecked, Pinks. Passed out Time and Jacked.

And featuring as the Bait Girl ----DANICA PATRICK!!!!!!!!!

markabilly

27th December 2009, 18:34

Just when I was getting used to "wrecker and tow truck family life"......and masive re-runs of barratt auctions.......then there was the show about dangerous driving....basically a show about driving a car around in Africa while the animals try to figure out if you are too stupid for them to eat..

Seems the cable here has more racing shows of quality on the Discovery channel....great HD shows of the Isle of Mann TT...Goodwood speed festival..racing old GT cars in France.......out of sight stuff compared to Speed.....

Easy Drifter

9th January 2010, 01:55

markabilly

9th January 2010, 19:18

Gad--- I stop posting and the thread screeches to a halt.

Woman's 4 Rules For Finding a Man

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks, cleans, helps care for the kids and makes good money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you and shows you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who is good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these men never meet!
Now you tell me.....should have told me that before we met.....

Then there was the time Easy went to the gun shop to buy a pistol

The clerk said "what do you want?"
Easy say, " a 44 magnum"
Clerk said "For what?
Easy said, "For shooting cans"
clerk says," that is toooo big a gun for shooting cans"
Easy say, "No it ain't"
Clerk says, "well just what kind of cans are you going to shoot?"
Easy says, " Mexicans, Canadicans, Americans, Africans, Portiricans....you name them...I shoot them, if I can......."

markabilly

9th January 2010, 19:27

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds Easy in bed with his old lady.

He orders Easy out of bed and hog ties him and leaves him laying on the floor.

he gets on top of Easy's old lady, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, Easy tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you and what he does to you. This guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you!!!!!"

To which Easy's wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:love:

Easy Drifter

25th January 2010, 03:01

Now that I am writing articles regularly I have kind of let this thread slip.

A cautious Burglar carefully cut an access hole in the window and checked for an alarm system. He gently unlatched the window and slid into the house. Using a shielded pencil light he looked around but saw nothing. As he approached the desk a voice rang out.
'Jesus will get you.'
Scared he looked around but saw no one, so started to open the desk drawers.
Again the voice called out 'Jesus will get you.'
Even more frightened he looked around and then saw a parrot in his cage.
He sidled over to the cage and said 'Shut up you stupid bird.'
The parrot responded 'I am not stupid and Jesus will get you.'
The burglar said 'Yeah right. What is your name?'
'Clarabelle and Jesus is going to get you.' responded the parrot.
Disgusted the burglar replied 'What kind of idiot would name a parrot Clarabelle?'
The parrot cocked his head to one side and slowly whispered 'The same idiot that named the Siberian Tiger right behind you Jesus!'

Camelopard

25th January 2010, 12:36

Pinched from pistonheads.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."

Easy Drifter

9th March 2010, 18:41

Ok City slickers Listen UP

Rules for Rural Ontario

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap straight. Your head is not crooked.
3. Let's get this straight. It is called a dirt road. I drive a pick up because I want to. No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle and pigs. They are live steaks and bacon. That is why they smell funny to you. To us they smell like money. Get over it. Highways 401 and 7 go east and west. Highways 400 and 115 go north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $75,000 car. We are impressed. We have $150,000 combines and haybalers that are driven 3 weeks of the year.
6. So every person in rural Ontario waves. It is called being friendly. Try and understand this concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8 point buck is coming in we will shoot it out of your hand. You had better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. The opener refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Sat. to the first of Nov.
9. We open doors for women. That is regardless of age or looks.
10. There is little for vegetarians on the menu. Order steak, Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
11. When we sit at the table there are 3 main dishes. Meat, vegetables and bread. We use 3 spices, salt, pepper and ketchup.
12. You bring 'coke' into my house it had better be brown, wet and served over ice.
13. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she had better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.
14. Ontario Hockey League and minor hockey is as important here as the NHL and more fun.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit the ball into the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
16. We have a whole ton of folks in the armed forces. So don't mess with us. If you do you will get whipped by the best.
17. Turn down that blasted car stereo. That thumpity thump ain't music anyway. We don't want to here it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (refer back to 1.)
18. Two inches of snow and ice isn't a blizzard. It is a vacation. Drive like you have some sense in it and don't take all our bread, milk and bleach from the grocery store. This ain't the artic and worse case is you may have to live the whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and the tractors with snowblowers will have you out soon.
19. Yeah we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi and caviar? It is available at the corner bait store.

Easy Drifter

17th March 2010, 01:58

Markabilly is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask and still pretty groggy after a 4 hour operation.
A young student nurse enters the room to give him a partial sponge bath.
Markabilly mumbles groggily from behind the mask 'Nurse are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed the young student replies 'I don't know sir. I am only here to give your upper body a bath.'
He struggles and again mutters "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly lifts the covers. She raise his hospital gown and holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other moving them slowly around and around gently.
She takes a good look and puts the gown and covers back in place and announces 'No sir they are not black and they are fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them.'
Markabilly slowly pulls up his oxygen mask and smiles at her and says very slowly ' Thank you very much. That was wonderful and I enjoyed it greatly. But listen very very closely

Are my test results back yet ? '

donKey jote

17th March 2010, 20:54

Fousto had apendicitis and his health insurance would only offer him a bed in a nun´s hospice. Being a fervent christian he figured all would be fine... in God he trusts and all that, so off he goes.
During the op, a single mother left a baby at the door of the place, with a note saying how she hoped for forgiveness and a better life for her son. The nuns had a hard think about how to deal with the situation, and finally Sister Mary came up with the bright idea:
"this is truly a sign from God. We have ol´fousto in here about to kick the bucket... if he recovers we can tell him the baby is his. He will sure lead a better life than here with us"
So fousto wakes up from surgery and is fine apart from a few sore stitches in his abdomen. "That´s quite normal after giving birth" said Sister Mary. "You´ve been granted a gift from heaven" she continues, presenting him with the baby.
Well uncle fousto, after all those years shooting blanks, was overjoyed at the present the Lord had given him, took the baby back to his ranch and told everyone it was his nephew -those infidel liberals would probably laugh at him if he were to tell the true story anyway.

Many happy years later, fousto decided it was time to confess.
"Easy" he said, "there´s something I need to tell you after all these years".
"Don´t tell me uncle" Easy replied, "You´ve raised me like your son... I always knew you were my real father"

"Father?" said Uncle Fousto...

"No, my son... I`m your mother"

"Your father must have been Markabilly!" :s ailor: :kiss: :eek: :arrows:

:dozey:

gm99

8th April 2010, 11:20

A man and a woman get to talk on a train. They quite like each other, so the man asks for the woman's name.

"I'm Carmen. Actually, it's Jennifer, but I like cars and men, so Carmen it is. What's your name, anyway?"

The man responds "Pleased to meet you, Carmen - my name's Beerpussy!"

donKey jote

18th April 2010, 17:14

Markabilly hobbled around to Easy´s for his weekly "session".
Easy welcomes him in as usual, a bit surprised at his funny gait and stranger than usual grimaces.

Then he notices the steering wheel in his butt.

"Sheesh Markabilly, doesn´t that hurt?"
"You bet!" Markabilly answers, "Give me some kool-aid quick..."

"it´s driving me nuts!" :s ailor: :kiss: :eek: :arrows:

:dozey:

markabilly

18th April 2010, 17:34

short trip but not nearly as short as for many around here

markabilly

18th April 2010, 23:28

Speaking of trips,

Easy bought DonKey from Mr. Markabilly the Great, who was finished using him. Easy asked, how do I make him go and stop?

The only way to make DonKey go is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make DonKey stop, is to say, "Amen!" , said markabilly.

Esay was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on Donkey to try out the instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted Easy. DonKey began to trot like a buzzard.

With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new Donkey and looking forward to some "good times" between the two of them.

He traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make Donkey stop. Old age was a problem for Easy

"Stop," said Easy. "Halt!" he cried. Donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted easy. Donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

Finally, in desperation, Easy said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make Donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus's name, AMEN."

Donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted Easy.

Easy Drifter

28th April 2010, 05:10

Sign you should not have hired Markabilly as the Clown for your kids' party.

Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
Scares the heck out of the kids with the severed limb trick.
Prefaces each trick with 'This is a little number I learned in the joint.'
More interested in squirting seltzer into his scotch than his pants.
Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match.
Props for his disappearing trick are a moving van and your wide screen TV.
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

Easy Drifter

8th May 2010, 14:34

Markabilly had a rough week. He noticed his gums were shrinking.

Then he realized he was brushing his teeth with Preparation H!

Easy Drifter

8th May 2010, 17:58

Attention Seasonal Visitors to Simcoe County

The Colts, Hornets and Baycats are as important to us as the Leafs, Raptors and Blue Jays and more fun to watch.
So you have a $70,000 car. We have $250,000 combines we use two weeks a year.
Women here hunt, fish and drive trucks because they want to. So you are a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Those are real cows and pigs in the fields along the highway That is what they smell like. It smells like money to us.
Get over it. Don't like it? Highway 400 goes north and south. Highway 12 goes the other 2. Pick one.
All males between 14 and 20. Pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.
Put your hat on straight. Your head isn't crooked.
We started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
See that kid in the field at 8 am on a Sat. morning throwing hay bales? He did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
It is called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4 wheel drive pick up because I need it to plow snow. Drive it or get out of the way!
Yeah we eat meat and potatoes here and wild game. You really want Sushi and Caviar? It is available at the bait shop. :eek:

dunes

9th May 2010, 07:23

Tazio

11th May 2010, 02:22

Happy Dayaftermothers Day: :) :burnout:

gSM8Okj_4TI

14th May 2010, 06:06

Zstar Electronic Co.Ltd, Sell fire cards for DS/NDSL/NDSi, also have Wii, DSiLL, NDSi, NDSL, PSP2000, PSP3000, PS2, PS3, PSP go, PSP, Xbox360 accessories, all kinds of phones are available
www.zstar.hk (http://www.zstar.hk)
www.tigersupermall.com (http://www.tigersupermall.com)

markabilly

14th May 2010, 12:23

How does the spouse of Easy get him out of the shower or the bathtub?

Turns on the water

Easy Drifter

15th May 2010, 05:43

An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.
But if she is cute throw the apple away.

Tazio

15th May 2010, 18:20

An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.
But if she is cute throw the apple away.
If she's in heat she may offer an elective proceedure.
In medical terms.... a slipthedicktome

markabilly

15th May 2010, 19:32

If she's in heat she may offer an elective proceedure.
In medical terms.... a slipthedicktome
not if she is treating easy, but there is "bull castration"

markabilly

15th May 2010, 19:59

and speaking of current events, did you hear about the two gay judges?

They tried each other

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand: [/font]
What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

]"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

The cop then said, very true

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

What's your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

markabilly

15th May 2010, 20:09

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?

A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

markabilly

15th May 2010, 20:15

Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?

A.

markabilly

17th May 2010, 04:05

Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?

A.

gee thought you would have figured this out already

Easy Drifter

17th May 2010, 07:33

Just to make you happy. It is me.
Except I am an only brat.

Easy Drifter

17th May 2010, 07:36

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.
They have also discovered other similarities but can't remember what they are.

Easy Drifter

10th June 2010, 22:34

Markabilly's doctor said he looked like a million dollars.

Green and wrinkled.

What do people in Winnipeg do in the summer?

If it falls on a Sunday they have a picnic.

England has approved Viagra in a liquid form.
Directions are to mix the Viagra with their tea.
This way they will be able to keep a stiff upper lip.

Easy Drifter

11th June 2010, 17:43

Things to remember from your family camping trip.

Improvising with those handy shiny green leaves for toilet paper may have been a rash decision.
Last time you started a campfire 3 counties asked for federal disaster aid.
Good thing you read that lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Bad thing is you forgot to remove it from your navel before applying the match.
As you are setting up your campsite ensure the local bears are not drawing chalk outlines.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
Old socks can be made into a high fibre beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
A potato baked in the coals for 1 hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for 3 hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

edv

15th June 2010, 22:37

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a
rich Chinese Businessman and a
Newfie were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.

The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't
know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move
it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes
George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic
Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad.
I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm
going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if
there's anything he can do for
them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think
I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave
souls'

The Newfie said, 'Why the f**k can't they
play at night?'

Easy Drifter

16th June 2010, 08:21

Taz' Simple Tips to Light a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of smaller fragments, including those buried in hands.
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8, Repeat ' A Scout is cheerful' and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11.When fire is burning collect more firewood.
12.Upon discovering fire appears to have gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood from can labled Kerosene.
13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns.
14. Re-lable can to read Gasoline.
15. When fire is burning well add remaining firewood.
16. When thunderstorm has passed repeat steps 1 to 15.

Easy Drifter

18th June 2010, 18:26

Stephen Harper said one of the dinners they will be serving at the Deerhurst Resort in Muskoka for the G-8 Summit will 'Salads from around the World'.

President Obama said 'Great, I will be bring 5 million gallons of my new 'Gulf Coast Salad Dressing.'

Easy Drifter

22nd June 2010, 20:30

Markabilly wears the pants in his house.
However, his wife tells him which pair to put on.

Easy Drifter

6th July 2010, 05:31

In the Village of Waubaushene, Ont. the parish priest held monthly meetings restricted to married men.
At one meeting he announced that Luigi had been married to one woman for almost 50 years and the their anniversary was coming up. He asked Luigi to tell everyone about the success of his long marriage.
Luigi spoke 'Well its'a like'a dis. I treat'a her good, bring her da flowers and gifts. Don'na make her work too hard an' on the 20th wedding anniversary I took'a her on a trip back to Italy.'
The good father said 'That is great Luigi. What are you going to do for your 50th wedding anniversary.
Luigi responded, 'Well I think'a I goin' to bring'a her back.'

Roamy

6th July 2010, 15:40

a must see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAOtC9QfXac&feature=player_embedded

Easy Drifter

16th July 2010, 22:01

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks. :vader:

Easy Drifter

23rd July 2010, 02:49

anderzon

24th July 2010, 10:18

Team Lead: We still have more work to be done lets double time people.

Employee 1: We still have this bunch of loads we need to double time.

Employee 2: It's almost 10 pm 2 hours to go we can't make it.

Employee 3: If we can't kill the work we just have to kill the time.

Easy Drifter

25th July 2010, 03:35

Markabilly's wife was getting frustrated. He just wasn't paying much attention to her.
She decided to buy a pair of crotchless panties. She put them on with a garter belt and nylons, a low cut blouse and her shortest tightest mini skirt. She sat across from him and after a while uncrossed her legs and opened her legs a bit.
Markabilly looked over, got a startled exprssion on his face and asked 'Are you wearing crotchless panties?'
She sweetly replied ' Yes I am.'
Markabilly responded ' Oh thank God. I was afraid you were sitting on the cat.'

anderzon

25th July 2010, 08:23

ahahahaha lol what a lovely cat she was sitting probably the most huggable pet in the house for them :D

Camelopard

24th August 2010, 02:02

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

AJP

24th August 2010, 05:25

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don\'t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Easy Drifter

2nd September 2010, 05:26

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

A young lad went to visit his grandfather for a week.
On the first night he found a thick slimy goo on his plate and he asked his grandfather 'Is this plate clean?'
'As clean as cold water can get them.' was the answer.
This went on all week.
On the last day when the young lad was trying to leave the dog barred his way.
So he caalled out 'Grandpa the dog won't let me past.'
His grandpa replied 'Cold Water go lie down.' :eek:

markabilly

12th September 2010, 11:58

something from another forum, beneath a photo of flavio and the kid who accidentally crashed and accidentally permitted fred to win a certain race, showing them walking down pit lane:

Flavio: Night of the race, you might feel a slight sting. That's pride f*ckin' with you. F*ck pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps. You fight through that sh*t. 'Cause a year from now, when you kicking it in the Caribbean, you gonna say to yourself, "Flavio Briatore was right."

Nelson: I got no problem with that, Mr. Briatore.

Flavio: On the 14th, your a*s goes down. Say it.

Nelson: On the 14th, my a*s goes down.

Now what movie was that stolen from???

markabilly

12th September 2010, 12:17

Good thing I can keep coming up with some as the rest of you sure aren't much help.

Taz got pulled over for doing 80 in a 60. Taz says to the officer 'Geez, I had the cruise control set at 60. Maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says 'Now dear, you know we don't have cruise control on this car.'
As the officer writes out the ticket Taz growls to his wife 'Can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The lovely wife smiles and says 'You should be thankful the radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out another ticket for the illegal radar detector Taz glowers at his wife and says 'Why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says 'I notice you are not wearing your seat belt. That is another fine.'
Taz say 'Yes, but I had it on and just took it off to get my licence out of my back pocket.'
Taz's wife sweetly says 'Dear, you know you never wear your seat belt.'
As the officer is writing out yet another ticket good old Taz says to his wife 'Why don't you just shut up?'
The officer looks over at Mrs. Taz and asks 'Does your husband always talk to you this way?'
She innocently replies 'Only when he has had too much to drink.'

Actually close to what i am told was a true story by the officer on the scene, except he then says to her:
"STFU, bitch"
she says: "You keep talking that way to me, and I will tell him about the drug money and all that crack cocaine in the trunk you been trying to sell!!!!"

another true story, straight ffrom a trial transcript was a criminal defense attorney cross examing a police officer about an arrest involving a relatively minor incident:

"okay, you get this call that there is this guy who passed a hot check in the bar

"yes."

"So you and nine other officers, armed with shotguns and automatic weapons, wearing vests, helmets and all, storm into this small neighborhood bar, to catch a guy that may have passed a $20 dollar hot check????...."

"yes"

"and is obviously scared and frightened by all this busting in the door, he runs out the back door, and runs a few yards to go inside an elementary school where you catch him, using a police dog as an aid????"

"yes"

"and now you want to prosecute him for evading arrest, after the hot check charge was dropped, because he did not do it??"

"yes"

"do you think, given all these circumstances and all things considered, that this was proper police procedure to go storm trooping in like this?"

"No, it was not"

"so you agree with me??"

"yes, I do, given the circumstances and history of the bar, we should have had at least six more officers and a helicopter as a back up...."

:eek:

now the really sad part is the fact of the elementary school being so close by......

then there was the videotape of a traffic stop, where the officer asked:
"so you do not mind if I look inside the trunk??""

"No. go ahead, but if you find any drugs, they ain't mine, it belongs to the drug smuggler that my husband works for...."

Easy Drifter

12th September 2010, 18:41

A Mexican, an Arab and A Newfoundland girl are drinking in a bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer he throws the glass in the air, pulls out his Glock and shoots the glass to pieces and shouts 'In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we do not need to drink from the same one twice.'
The Arab clearly impressed by this drinks his beer, throws the glass in the air and pulls out his AK-47 and fires a burst blowing the glass into little pieces.
He then shouts 'In the Arab world we have so much sand to make glasses we do not need to drink from the same one twice!'
The little Newfie gal, cool as a cucumber, throws back her beer in one gulp, throws the glass in the air, whips out her .44 Magnum and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass she sets it on the bar and calls for a refill and says 'In Canada we have so many illegal immigrants we do not have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Roamy

13th September 2010, 19:42

Why The English Wore Red Coats in Battle.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They
took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to
question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do
you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?
In his bland English way, the officer informed the
general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so
that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are
leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French
Army officers wear brown trousers.

Easy Drifter

16th September 2010, 01:26

Markabilly actually took his wife to a restaurant for her birthday and this time it wasn't McDonalds.
The waiter for some reason took his order first.
Markabilly said 'I will have the rump roast, rare, please.'
The waiter asked 'Are you not worried about the mad cow?'
Markabilly replied ' Nah, she can order for herself.'
That is when the fight started.

markabilly

16th September 2010, 03:21

....and then she left me for Easy...something about his face would be more comfortable for sitting than mine or donKey's.........Thank you Jesus!!!! (and Easy)

Got to remember to send him donKey's old scuba gear

remind me in a month or so...that is if easy is still breathin

Easy Drifter

16th September 2010, 05:41

No wonder she left him.
Markabilly and his wife were at her High School reunion and she kept staring
at a drunken man sitting by himself swigging his drink.
Markabilly asked 'Do you know him?'
She sighed 'Yes, he is my old boyfriend and I understand he took to drinking right after we broke up and he hasn't stopped drinking since.'
Markabilly said' My God! Who would think a person could keep celebrating that long.
Then the next fight started.

markabilly

16th September 2010, 12:23

that is it....you can buy your own scuba gear.....and gas mask for those "special moments"

Easy Drifter

16th September 2010, 12:55

Markabilly's wife sat down next to him as he was flipping channels on the TV.
She asked 'What is on the TV?'
Markabilly in his usual diplomatic way said 'Dust.'
That is when another fight started.

markabilly

16th September 2010, 12:56

be sure there are no open flames around during those special moments....donKey is still trying to grow back his hair

Easy Drifter

16th September 2010, 13:16

Poor ol' Markabilly can't win for losing.
He and his wife were in bed watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
He turned to her and asked 'Do you want to have sex?'
She just said 'No'.
So Markabilly asked 'Is that your final answer?'
She replied quickly 'Yes'.
So he cleverly said 'Then I would like to phone Donkey's wife.
That started yet another fight.

markabilly

16th September 2010, 15:26

and it got worse, cause she would not give me a quarter so I could go see donKey's old woman....

Easy Drifter

16th September 2010, 16:51

markabilly

17th September 2010, 02:14

Well no wonder.
When your wife said she wanted something for your anniversery bright and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds you bought her a bathroom scale.
Way to start yet another fight.
You laugh now...wait until your nose goes from 0 to 305 in less than a quarter of a second, much faster than alonsoita and his one incher.....donKey ain't seen his for a three years now

Easy Drifter

17th September 2010, 02:37

No matter what poor ol' Markabilly does he puts his foot, or some other part of his anatomy, in it.
His wife, admittedly a scary sight (or is that a site), was standing nude in front of a mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to Markabilly 'I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
Markabilly being his usual extremely diplomatic self cleverly said 'Well your eyesight is damn near perfect.'
Now he keeps asking DonKey and me to let him stay with one of us for a short while.
Heck it took years to get rid of him the last time.
It would be nice if he would at least shower more the once a month.

markabilly

19th September 2010, 21:23

Be nicer if you had a shower that actually would not break, when.....

anyway here is the rest of the story..

http://www.motorsportforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=842435&postcount=21

Easy Drifter

9th October 2010, 19:19

This morning I went in to sign my 4 dogs up for welfare.
At first the nice lady said dogs are not eligble to draw welfare.
So--- I explained my dogs are of mixed colour, unemployed, lazy, cannot speak English, and have no clue who their daddy's are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and look after their medical care.
So she checked in her policy book to see what it took to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques next Friday. Gosh, this is a great country.

Easy Drifter

9th October 2010, 19:46

Markabilly's wife got pulled over for speeding.
She said "Is there a problem officer?'
'Ma'm you were speeding.
'Oh, I see.'
'Can I see your licence ma'm.'
'I would be glad to give it to you but I don't have one.'
'Don't have one?'
'No I lost it for drunk driving 4 years ago.'
'I see-- Can I see your registration please?'
'I can't do that.'
'Why not?'
'I stole this car and murdered the owner. I cut him up and stuffed him in the trunk.'
'YOU WHAT?'
'I hacked him into pieces and put him in plastic bags and stuffed him in the trunk.'
The officer looks at Markabilly's wife and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes her car is surrounded by cruisers and a senior officer approaches her with his gun half drawn.
' Ma'm would you plese step out of the car, slowly.'
She does and says 'Is there a problem Officer?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
'Yes, Would you please open the trunk?'
The trunk is popped and there is nothing but an empty trunk.
'Is this your car ma'm?'
'Yes. here are the registration papers.'
The officer is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claimed you do not have a driver's licence.'
She digs into her purse and hands the officer her driver's licence.
The officer examines the licence and hands it back completely puzzled.
'Thank you ma'm. One of my men told me you did not have a licence, stole the car and had murdered and hacked up the owner.'
'Bet the liar said I was speeding too.'

ICWS

10th October 2010, 01:28

One time I was in Nashville, TN
and after a show I went into a waffle house.
I was sitting there eating and
reading a book. I don't know anybody
there so I'm just eating and reading.
All the sudden the waitress walks over
to me and asks "Whatcha ya'll reading for?".
I thought to myself "Wow, I've never been
asked that". Not what I'm reading but what am
I reading for? Well goddammit she stumped me!
I then told her "Well, I read for a lot of reasons...
but the main reason is so that I don't end up being
a waffle waitress!"

-Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Easy Drifter

18th October 2010, 14:35

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious." teased the priest. "You really ought to try it. I know it is against your religion but I cannot understand why such a delicious food should be forbidden. You do not know what you are missing . You just haven't lived until you have had Mrs. Hall's prize winning Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me Rabbi when are you going to break down and try it?"

The Rabbi looked at the priest and with a huge grin said "At your wedding."

donKey jote

26th October 2010, 23:03

Markabilly's missus is, as Drifter could Easily attest, into all things "french".
She decided to take up french classes at the local community college, aiming to hone her "skills".
At the first interview, Pierre asked her routinely what she really wanted in life.
"To be honest all I want is 'appiness", she replied, in her best french accent, "I don't get 'appiness at home".
Poor Pierre thought she meant "happiness" for a split second, until he got jumped on and was thoroughly ravished :dozey:

Easy Drifter

27th October 2010, 22:11

As many of us know Markabilly was a motorcycle racer, which may explain a few things.
Not many know he was also a mean and miserable motorcyle cop.
One day he was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors quickly operated and informed him all was fine and that he would make a comlete recovery.
However Markabilly kept feeling something was pulling at the hairs in his crotch. It was really irritating and painful.
Worried that it might have been additional surgery the doctors had not told him about the finally got enough energy to lift his hospital gown and have a look to see what was so painful.
Taped very securely across his pubic hairs and private parts were 3 strips of the super secure surgical tape of the type that just doesn't come off easily and without a lot of agony.
Written in large black letters were the words. "Get well soon-- from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Easy Drifter

31st October 2010, 03:18

One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son to get him ready for church.
Her son grumpily said "I am not going!"
She asked "Why not?"
He replied "I will give you two good reasons. One is they do not like me and two is I do not like them!"
His mother replied "I will give you two good reasons you should go to church."
"One is you are 59 years old and two is that you are the Pastor."

Vez

4th November 2010, 19:51

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelly is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelly surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelly.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Easy Drifter

12th November 2010, 02:27

Markabilly's wife was standing in the kitchen preparing his usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast only wearing the T shirt she usually slept in.
As he walked in almost awake she turned to him and softly said 'You have to make love to me this very minute.'
Markabilly's eyes lit up and he thought 'I am either dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to miss the momet he embraced her.
Afterwards she said 'Thanks' and returned to the stove.
Happy but a little puzzzled Markabilly asked 'What was that all about?'

She explained 'The egg timer is broken.'

Easy Drifter

16th November 2010, 02:08

Paul the Octopus who predicted the World Cup games has died.
In lieu of flowers the family has requested that people send lemon wedges and tartar sauce.

China started conducting a nationwide census this week. Parents will be required to list each child's age, grade and occupation.

I know I am getting old. All of my birthday presents were purchased at the drug store.

My daughter got 8 out of 10 on her driving test.
The other 2 pedestrians jumped out of the way.

rjbetty

16th November 2010, 02:53

An Englishman, Welshman, and an Irishman are stuck in the middle of the desert. Amazingly, they find a lamp, so they rub it - and a genie appears!

As there are three of them, the genie says he will grant each one one wish each. The Welshman says "this place is so hot and dry I can't stand it. I wish I could be at a swimming pool with nice cool drinks and pretty girls". So the genie grants his wish.

The Welshman says "I really miss my family and friends. I wish I can go back and be with them". The wish is granted.

The Irishman goes "Boo Hoo! I'm all on my own now. I wish you would bring the other two back..."

That's an OLD joke yes, but the only half decent one I know!

================================================== ==========================

This is a true story (apparently):

Years ago in College, a friend said he was listening to the radio, and they had people phoning in for the funniest\stangest reasons they failed their driving test. One woman phoned in and told of how her test had started ok. She made a cautious start, turned out of the test centre fine, and just started to make her way along. Then suddenly the examiner shouted "STOP!" She stopped. The examiner instructed her to look in her mirror. "Do you see that woman lying in the road?" he said. "Yes" the woman driving answered. The examiner replied "you just ran her over...!"

On the subject, these are two reasons people I know failed their test, which I found quite funny anyway:
1.Didn't put his seat-belt on!
2.Another guy's mobile phone rang during the test - he answered it!!!

schmenke

18th November 2010, 15:43

The Royal Bank was running a recent Password Audit and found Easy Drifter using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Easy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied,
"Fer crying out loud! Are you blind or stupid?
I was told my password had to be at least 8 characters long with one capital"

schmenke

18th November 2010, 20:34

markabilly

20th December 2010, 02:37

Hey Mkbilly, I appreciate your wife's commitment to a new career path as a lumberjack. I'll keep an eye out for any job postings around here and let you know.
Thanks for sending a pic btw.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1269/5187506635_dbd39012d0.jpg

she say, "go ahead, schmenke tricky dickie, you think kissing ain't cheating....then show me how you like to stick out that little tongue when french kissing..........go ahead, make my day"

"and just where is that easy drifter anyway, I also owe him a good chop.....all those crude comments about me, I think someday I will tell the world how he really got the initials ED..................guess everyone knows why donKey ain't a lawyer....he could never pass a bar.....

"anyway, got to go help out the old markabilly, got his kissing cousien coming over with her girlfriends....he will probably need some extra wood." :s mokin:

donKey jote

2nd June 2011, 21:58

Easy bumped into Markabilly's missus by chance the other day. It had been a while. "Please no" he thought to himself, "don't get an erection"...

She did !

:dozey:

markabilly

4th June 2011, 13:22

DonKey, there you go, blowing smoke again.

Smoke-as old as he is- must be getting pretty tired of that by now....

donKey jote

4th June 2011, 13:37

Easy calls 999 and says "I think my Markabilly's missus is dead”.
The operator says how do you know?
Easy says "Well the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
:dozey:

ioan

5th June 2011, 20:16

Is here something going on that I might have missed?!

markabilly

6th June 2011, 04:54

Maybe. Check unwashed clothes and ironing to see if it is getting done.........

and donKey should not be talkin about his mama like that, even if she is my sister

Of course there was the time donKey found out his sister had died, choking on a condom we think.

Anyway, his brother telephoned and told him, "Sweet sister has died choking on a condom".
DonKey started crying and told him, "Well, my sister died choking on a condom, too.....i wonder...Do you think it was the same condom?"
:dozey:

Roamy

6th June 2011, 17:52

In honor of Governor Schwarzenegger, an eleventh commandment has been added to the Bible.
"Thou shalt not share thy rod with thy staff."

donKey jote

7th June 2011, 20:54

Markabilly's missus is worried about him going Muslim...
when she caught him shagging a sheep he said it was 'islam and he'd do as he pleased with it. :dozey:

8th June 2011, 08:07

Some scientists decided to do the experiments on a dog :

first experiment - they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
Second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

Third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

Result of these three experiments - the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

Roamy

10th June 2011, 18:37

Acceptable use of The F-Bomb ...
>
> There are only TWELVE times in history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
>
> 1. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?" -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
>
> 2. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
>
> 3. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
>
> 4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
>
> 5. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
> 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
> 7. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
> 8. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
> 9. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
>
> 10. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998
>
> 11. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2002
>
>
> And the new winner is!...
>
> 12. "I need a SEAL in my house like I need a @%#*ing hole in my head." - Osama Bin Laden, 2011

13th June 2011, 11:28

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

CarlMetro

20th August 2011, 23:11

One beautiful Sunday morning everyone in the little village got up early and went to the local church.
Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Terrified everyone evacuated the church except for one elderly gentleman who calmly sat in his pew not moving.
This confused Satan who walked up to the man and asked 'Do you know who I am?
The man replied 'Yep, sure do."
Satan asked 'Are you not afraid of me?'
'Nope, sure ain't." said the old man.
Satan was perturbed at this and he fumed 'Why are you not afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied 'Been married to your sister for over 48 years.'

It's for things like this that we should remember him and smile.

SGWilko

22nd August 2011, 09:48

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother f**king Manager you c*ck sucking a*se wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f**king manager of this b*stard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"F**k off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f**king piano?"

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I f*cking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a w*nk over the washin' machine but my b*llocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I ***** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I f*cking wrote it!"