The madness of King Oaf

[Ian McC]

I remember young Oily when he first joined our esteemed forum, witty posts and jokes but over the period of time he has been on here there has been a gradual decline into madness, from which surely no one can return :(

Is young Oily lost to us sane people or can we band together to save this poor man from his madness?

Over to you fellow members :D



















:p :

[race aficionado]

I love his madness.
if it's broke, don't fix it, that's what I say.

and by the way, Oily is saner than most of us here -scarry in'it. :D

:s mokin:

[Hotbikerchic33]

Dont think he is all there myself :(

[LotusElise]

I think he's actually coming back into form this year after running out of material a bit during the back end of 2006.

[RaikkonenRules]

Oily's madness makes him a unique member of the forums and one everyone likes :) , why change him?

[Hotbikerchic33]

Oily's madness makes him a unique member of the forums and one everyone likes :) , why change him?

Excuse me everyone?? :confused:

I never said i liked him to be honest with you i think he is abit of a prat! :D

[Daniel]

You've been here fore not a very long time. I think a lot of new people don't understand Mr Oaf :)

[Gannex]

You are all so negative! Of course we can save oily from his descent into madness. All we have to do is pull together and counsel oily, in love, not in anger. There is so much we could do.

Take his frequent lapses into religious extremism, for example; these can be controlled, with drugs, and we forum members who love oily must obtain these drugs for him (and share the extras liberally with the rest of us).

His obsession with the Shipping Forecast: I had a cousin with this tragic condition, and he spent his last twenty years in a lighthouse, endlessly repeating "Dogger, Gale Force 8". Do we want oily to end like that? I say no, my fellow forumers. We must save him!

It must be the moderators who take the lead. Mark: any time oily so much as mentions the weather, he must be banned for at least a week.

Oily does not have to remain enslaved to his hyperactive libido. With a lot of work, and aversion therapy, there is hope for him. But we, as his friends, must be the ones to lead him away from sexual deviancy.

Most of all, we must encourage oily to see his madness clearly, understand how horribly it affects those around him, and acknowledge before all of us his inadequacies and insecurities. We must confront him, with one voice, and lead him to the light. People! Are you ready to do this?

[race aficionado]

Count me out! :mad:

I will not participate in the public castration of Oilys psychotic appendages.

whew! where did that one come from . . .


sorry Gannex, I'm not sharing my drugs, they are in need right now . . . . :s mokin:

[RaceFanStan]

I think oily oaf is an aquired taste.
When I first met oily oaf here in Chit Chat I was not impressed.
However his wit won me over & I now really enjoy his antics.
I say that oily oaf should NOT be shaped into someone else's image of what they think is right.
Let oily oaf enjoy himself & we will enjoy watching him do his thing.

What happens when oily oaf is transformed ?
Who is next ?
Can donkey jote be far behind in the hit list ?
Who then after donKey jote ?

Oh my friends I feel that we are all being threatened.
We must stand together against the ones who would assasinate oily oaf !
For if we don't, we will be next ! :eek:


;)

:laugh:

[Erki]

First round:
donks - oaf
1-0

Final:
Erki - Daniel
1-0

:s mokin:

[oily oaf]

I dunno chaps and chaparinellas. A man emerges from the sleep of the innocent, switches on his PC to have a quick gander at Weatherbeaten Maritime Mamas Down On The Farm.gov only to find that the very essence of his fevered psyche is being brought into question before being dissected and speculated upon by a pack of slavering forum hounds of Baskervillian proportions :(
Thanks for this thread Mac :arrows:

I shall however attempt to address each individual psychological assessment as best I can:

Race. You old Hippie. Once more your discernment, character assessment, drug addled pontifications and naked fear of extreme violence leaves me slack jawed and bereft of words to describe my almost psychotic and enduring love for you.
PS Fancy a fight?

Hotbik.............Yeah whatever. I'm absolutely beside myself with grief at both your lowly assessment of me and even more lowly IQ.
I'd get on with the ironing if I were you love and then if you're very quick you might just have some time to spend practising your speling, pronucishun and punchuashun before spending an hour or so perfecting the ability to pat yourself on the head and rub your tummy at the same time all before the eagerly awaited arrival of Internet Boyfriend who is in all probability one of the following:
a) Suffering from a debilitating ague of the cerebellum (half barmy)

b) Extremely hideous of aspect (pig ugly)
or
c) all of the above.

Love you! Mwaaah mwaaah! xxxxxxxxxx

Lotus Blossom Wot a liberty! I thought late 2006 was a hilarious hiatus in my comical career. How very dare you!
Still alright for a spot of risotto tonite gel?

Raikk. I like you too my young friend. However I have a feeling you haven't yet got round to reading a post I made the other day in which I called you a pervert. I take it all back. You're just a little different that's all.

Daniel My wife doesn't understand me.............Fancy coming round to my place Sweetcheeks

Gannex When I read your frank, brutal but ultimately deeply caring psychoanalysis (try spelling that b******d at 6.00am) I wept hot salty tears of joy as the scales fell from my eyes and I saw myself stripped of the surly bonds of mechanichood and laid bare and helpless (get off ya dirty sod) before your all seeing laser like surgical intellect that comes in so handy when you're getting people off serious parking offences.
I then vomited copiously into a bucket at the sheer unashamed sycophancy (try spelling...... etc) of it all.
Nice one mate. made me chuckle. :)

Lastly Stan. A surprising endorsement from one of my old adversaries and all the more welcome for that.
Stanley old bean, may the benign Gods of The Bombardier 400 smile down upon you, may your track bar remain ever rigid and free from irritating free play and may your Darrel Waltrip colouring book never wither and fade.
Thankyou Sir Much appreciated :up:

Righto guys I'm off. Busy busy busy. Work to do, shipping forecasts to listen to, clothing to be loosened. You know the type of thing.
(lights pipe and wanders upstairs clutching photo of BBC weather siren Suzanne Charlton and jar of high melting point brake grease)

[Hotbikerchic33]

You've been here fore not a very long time. I think a lot of new people don't understand Mr Oaf :)

My first opinions of people are NEVER wrong so i stand by what i said the man is a prat!!! :D

And if i am still posting on here in a yrs time i will still be saying the same!! :) ;) :p

[raikk]

I dunno chaps and chaparinellas. A man emerges from the sleep of the innocent, switches on his PC to have a quick gander at Weatherbeaten Maritime Mamas Down On The Farm.gov only to find that the very essence of his fevered psyche is being brought into question before being dissected and speculated upon by a pack of slavering forum hounds of Baskervillian proportions :(
Thanks for this thread Mac :arrows:

I shall however attempt to address each individual psychological assessment as best I can:

Race. You old Hippie. Once more your discernment, character assessment, drug addled pontifications and naked fear of extreme violence leaves me slack jawed and bereft of words to describe my almost psychotic and enduring love for you.
PS Fancy a fight?

Hotbik.............Yeah whatever. I'm absolutely beside myself with grief at both your lowly assessment of me and even more lowly IQ.
I'd get on with the ironing if I were you love and then if you're very quick you might just have some time to spend practising your speling, pronucishun and punchuashun before spending an hour or so perfecting the ability to pat yourself on the head and rub your tummy at the same time all before the eagerly awaited arrival of Internet Boyfriend who is in all probability one of the following:
a) Suffering from a debilitating ague of the cerebellum (half barmy)

b) Extremely hideous of aspect (pig ugly)
or
c) all of the above.

Love you! Mwaaah mwaaah! xxxxxxxxxx

Lotus Blossom Wot a liberty! I thought late 2006 was a hilarious hiatus in my comical career. How very dare you!
Still alright for a spot of risotto tonite gel?

Raikk. I like you too my young friend. However I have a feeling you haven't yet got round to reading a post I made the other day in which I called you a pervert. I take it all back. You're just a little different that's all.

Daniel My wife doesn't understand me.............Fancy coming round to my place Sweetcheeks

Gannex When I read your frank, brutal but ultimately deeply caring psychoanalysis (try spelling that b******d at 6.00am) I wept hot salty tears of joy as the scales fell from my eyes and I saw myself stripped of the surly bonds of mechanichood and laid bare and helpless (get off ya dirty sod) before your all seeing laser like surgical intellect that comes in so handy when you're getting people off serious parking offences.
I then vomited copiously into a bucket at the sheer unashamed sycophancy (try spelling...... etc) of it all.
Nice one mate. made me chuckle. :)

Lastly Stan. A surprising endorsement from one of my old adversaries and all the more welcome for that.
Stanley old bean, may the benign Gods of The Bombardier 400 smile down upon you, may your track bar remain ever rigid and free from irritating free play and may your Darrel Waltrip colouring book never wither and fade.
Thankyou Sir Much appreciated :up:

Righto guys I'm off. Busy busy busy. Work to do, shipping forecasts to listen to, clothing to be loosened. You know the type of thing.
(lights pipe and wanders upstairs clutching photo of BBC weather siren Suzanne Charlton and jar of high melting point brake grease)

I'm perverted and a little odd? why I nevv......hmmm you got me there....
oor are you talking about RaikkonenRules? were 2 different people you know! :(

[Eki]

I'm perverted and a little odd? why I nevv......hmmm you got me there....
oor are you talking about RaikkonenRules? were 2 different people you know! :(
That's what oily said. You're different. Both of you.

[oily oaf]

I'm perverted and a little odd? why I nevv......hmmm you got me there....
oor are you talking about RaikkonenRules? were 2 different people you know! :(

My humble apologies Raikk I was of course referring to young Mr Rules.
You are absolutely NOT a pervert although I am firm in my belief that your taste in latex support hose leaves much to be desired :mad:

[Ian McC]

All we have to do is pull together and counsel oily, in love, not in anger.


:uhoh:

[oily oaf]

My first opinions of people are NEVER wrong so i stand by what i said the man is a prat!!! :D

And if i am still posting on here in a yrs time i will still be saying the same!! :) ;) :p

Ah more sage and deeply insightful offerings from the forum's answer to Oscar Wilde

You are probably completely unaware that the female English intellectual Joan Bakewell, a singularly attractive lady, was once referred to by someone,it may have been the humorist Alan Coren, as "The thinking man's crumpet"
I would suggest that you are the antithesis (that means opposite dear girl) of this extremely clever and delightful lady.
In short "The retard's rissole"

PS there's an "e" and an "a" in "years"
Blimey with that many birthdays under your belt I would have thought you'd have known that one :D

Kissy Kissy
Averagelywarmtruckerstudmuffin

[Daniel]

Daniel My wife doesn't understand me.............Fancy coming round to my place Sweetcheeks

I'll be in London this weekend :p

[Hotbikerchic33]

Ah more sage and deeply insightful offerings from the forum's answer to Oscar Wilde

You are probably completely unaware that the female English intellectual Joan Bakewell, a singularly attractive lady, was once referred to by someone,it may have been the humorist Alan Coren, as "The thinking man's crumpet"
I would suggest that you are the antithesis (that means opposite dear girl) of this extremely clever and delightful lady.
In short "The retard's rissole"

PS there's an "e" and an "a" in "years"
Blimey with that many birthdays under your belt I would have thought you'd have known that one :D

Kissy Kissy
Averagelywarmtruckerstudmuffin

Yes i know how to spell YEARS!! but many many people shorten it to YRS you prat!! :D

[oily oaf]

Yes i know how to spell YEARS!! but many many people shorten it to YRS you prat!! :D

(holds head in hands and weeps bitterly)

You've missed the point again haven't you dear? (whispers conspiratorially from behind hand "It's her age you know") I was being facetious.
At this juncture please feel absolutely free to look up any long words in your "My Very Own First Junior Dictionary"

I am also aware that many people abbreviate certain words as you describe. I believe the practice is known as textspeak and is commonplace among teenagers and weary old tugboats who refuse point blank to accept that their best years are waaaaay behind them.

I couldn't help but notice that you have addressed the possibility that you may not be posting here in a years time. Please cast any thoughts of such folly aside. I haven't enjoyed myself like this since my old nan got her bristols caught in the mangle :bandit:

I mean how on earth could this forum survive without your invaluable take on everything from politics through religion and even unto the price of a nice bit of cod in Lincoln today.
So far we have managed to glean that you dislike everything from Cockney grease monkeys to jokes that cannot be sent by text. But you are of the opinion that "size is important"

I await with feverish anticipation your view on the new Socialist regime in Bolivia, the much vaunted schism in the Catholic Church and whether you would be within your rights to fashion the hairs surrounding your "Jack and Danny" into a passable replica of The Mersey Tunnel.

Dont keep us in suspense now
Your most ardent admirer
Stonecoldsteveaustin4X4pilotlimpdick

[oily oaf]

I'll be in London this weekend :p

But this is wonderful news my boy :D
Tell me where you're going to be staying and I'll avoid the area like a bird flu victim wearing an Arsenal shirt :mad:

Seriously though Dan if you go hacking thru East London in the Scooby and you see a geezer striding purposefully towards any of the boozers in Aldgate, Bethnal Green or Shoreditch give him a wave.
You can't miss me squire. I'm the white man :(

[Hotbikerchic33]

(holds head in hands and weeps bitterly)

You've missed the point again haven't you dear? (whispers conspiratorially from behind hand "It's her age you know") I was being facetious.
At this juncture please feel absolutely free to look up any long words in your "My Very Own First Junior Dictionary"

I am also aware that many people abbreviate certain words as you describe. I believe the practice is known as textspeak and is commonplace among teenagers and weary old tugboats who refuse point blank to accept that their best years are waaaaay behind them.

I couldn't help but notice that you have addressed the possibility that you may not be posting here in a years time. Please cast any thoughts of such folly aside. I haven't enjoyed myself like this since my old nan got her bristols caught in the mangle :bandit:

I mean how on earth could this forum survive without your invaluable take on everything from politics through religion and even unto the price of a nice bit of cod in Lincoln today.
So far we have managed to glean that you dislike everything from Cockney grease monkeys to jokes that cannot be sent by text. But you are of the opinion that "size is important"

I await with feverish anticipation your view on the new Socialist regime in Bolivia, the much vaunted schism in the Catholic Church and whether you would be within your rights to fashion the hairs surrounding your "Jack and Danny" into a passable replica of The Mersey Tunnel.

Dont keep us in suspense now
Your most ardent admirer
Stonecoldsteveaustin4X4pilotlimpdick

God your so sad! :(

[Brown, Jon Brow]

If i'm being honest, I think that Oily Oaf is a bit simple!! :erm:

[Hotbikerchic33]

If i'm being honest, I think that Oily Oaf is a bit simple!! :erm:

Only abit? :D :D :D :D

[cobre]

i rather enjoy his aimless blathering.

[Hotbikerchic33]

i rather enjoy his aimless blathering.

then your as sad as he is!!!! :D

[oily oaf]

then your as sad as he is!!!! :D

Au contraire my little post menstrual munchkin. I would venture that my transatlantic cousin Cobre is a magnificent and unerring judge of comedic quality and that he also knows a fine figure of a man when he sees one :D

PS I wouldn't bother sending me any more abusive PMs if I were you Kissyface.
I haven't opened the last one for fear of lapsing into a coma and I certainly wont waste my delicate keyboard digits opening any further rather poisonous missives which you feel compelled to compose.
Keep smilin' old timer ;)

[jim mcglinchey]

fergawdssake can we get this thread pulled 'afore someone says something that may cause offence.

[Hotbikerchic33]

Au contraire my little post menstrual munchkin. I would venture that my transatlantic cousin Cobre is a magnificent and unerring judge of comedic quality and that he also knows a fine figure of a man when he sees one :D

PS I wouldn't bother sending me any more abusive PMs if I were you Kissyface.
I haven't opened the last one for fear of lapsing into a coma and I certainly wont waste my delicate keyboard digits opening any further rather poisonous missives which you feel compelled to compose.
Keep smilin' old timer ;)

the Pm i sent you wasnt abusive thats not in my style and if you had read it you would of seen that!!! :D

Listen Oaf you dont like me and i obviously dont like you so lets just leave it at that please! ;)

[luvracin]

Au contraire my little post menstrual munchkin. I would venture that my transatlantic cousin Cobre is a magnificent and unerring judge of comedic quality and that he also knows a fine figure of a man when he sees one :D

PS I wouldn't bother sending me any more abusive PMs if I were you Kissyface.
I haven't opened the last one for fear of lapsing into a coma and I certainly wont waste my delicate keyboard digits opening any further rather poisonous missives which you feel compelled to compose.
Keep smilin' old timer ;)

You know what they say about girls who try so hard to act like they don't like you..... It just means they really love you. :p :

[schmenke]

Au contraire my little post menstrual munchkin. I would venture that my transatlantic cousin Cobre is a magnificent and unerring judge of comedic quality and that he also knows a fine figure of a man when he sees one :D

PS I wouldn't bother sending me any more abusive PMs if I were you Kissyface.
I haven't opened the last one for fear of lapsing into a coma and I certainly wont waste my delicate keyboard digits opening any further rather poisonous missives which you feel compelled to compose.
Keep smilin' old timer ;)

Ah Oily, don't be so hard on the innocuous lass. She seems harmless enough. Besides, a distinguished fella like yourself ( :uhoh: ) should perhaps acknowledge the opportunity to accept womanly attention when it presents itself, even if it’s from someone who might seem a sandwich short of a picnic.

Anyways, don’t trouble yerself with such trivialities around here lest you be the target of the dreaded red rep :s hock: . Have a good weekend tackling that thorny bush of yours :) .
On another topic, how’s that hedgerow coming along?

[oily oaf]

You know what they say about girls who try so hard to act like they don't like you..... It just means they really love you. :p :

Stone the bloody crows mate!
Are you tying to tell me that throughout all these barren years I could have been fillin' me bloody boots? :mad: ;)

[oily oaf]

Ah Oily, don't be so hard on the innocuous lass. She seems harmless enough. Besides, a distinguished fella like yourself ( :uhoh: ) should perhaps acknowledge the opportunity to accept womanly attention when it presents itself, even if it’s from someone who might seem a sandwich short of a picnic.

Anyways, don’t trouble yerself with such trivialities around here lest you be the target of the dreaded red rep :s hock: . Have a good weekend tackling that thorny bush of yours :) .
On another topic, how’s that hedgerow coming along?

Yeah you're right old friend.
I must admit I do feel a bit like I'm kickin' the crap out of Bambi with this one ;)

Hedgerow? Don't ask brother :mad:
(dons stars and stripes boxing trunks before running up steps to British Museum and jumping up and down like a good un) "Haaaaaaaazzzzzzzzeeeeeelllllll!)

[Eki]

Stone the bloody crows mate!
Are you tying to tell me that throughout all these barren years I could have been fillin' me bloody boots? :mad: ;)
Oily, it's spelled "trying", unless you're dreaming of bondage again, in which case it really is spelled "tying".

[oily oaf]

Oily, it's spelled "trying", unless you're dreaming of bondage again, in which case it really is spelled "tying".

Eki you saucy little Finnish fiend. It's what is commonly known as a Freudian Slip ;)

PS. Can I hang you from my shed roof by the thumbs and call you Agnetha?

[Erki]

Oily, it's spelled "trying", unless you're dreaming of bondage again, in which case it really is spelled "tying".

I see you and oily have a pretty deep and oil-filled bond. :love:

Sorry, but I don't bother reading all this stuff here. I very much hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings here and maybe, just maybe oily can forgive me my blatantness and won't hit my head with a rusty spanner, at best causing a bad infection, at worst making me angry while I go shopping to buy some carrots...

[RaceFanStan]

My sides hurt from laughing so hard ! Don't stop, I can take it ! :laugh: :up:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

My sides hurt from laughing so hard ! Don't stop, I can take it ! :laugh: :up:

Yeah, you are about to split.... (sides)


It's happened before

[RaceFanStan]

Hello Bro Jon, how are you today ? :D

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Hello Bro Jon, how are you today ? :D

You know, average.. :erm:

Why all the question(s)?

[Erki]

You know, average.. :erm:

So it means you have improved?

[Brown, Jon Brow]

So it means you have improved?

:uhoh: I don't know

What was I before :confused:

[Erki]

:What was I before :confused:

7.62cm

[Brown, Jon Brow]

7.62cm

Have you been spying on me??? :mad:

[Ian McC]

I am still a little nervous since Gannex suggested we all pull together, I am hoping he meant ourselves rather than each other but who knows :eek:

What are you pulling tonight Oily? ;)

[Ian McC]

I'll be in London this weekend :p


Mind you don't end up in Oily's basement along with GG24 :eek:

[stevie_gerrard]

Personally, there is nothing wrong with you Mr Oaf, i know i can take the mickey sometimes, but ur a nice chap, one of the few people i respect on this forum :up: ;)

[viper_man]

I like Oily. He may be a little bit nuts, but when he remembers to take the pills he seems one of the most honest no b.s people on here.

Sometimes ;)

[fly_ac]

This is good stuff, it makes my cheeks and stomach hurt, what a good laugh.

Don’t stop. :rotflmao:

[oily oaf]

If i'm being honest, I think that Oily Oaf is a bit simple!! :erm:

An interesting albeit ironic perspective from an individual who would appear to run into difficulties when required to spell his own name :dozey:

Got your degree yet subshine?
No? Would you like to borrow mine?
It's from The University of London not some 2 bob khazi situated somewhere in the ar$eole of Britain :s murf:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

An interesting albeit ironic perspective from an individual who would appear to run into difficulties when required to spell his own name :dozey:

Got your degree yet subshine?
No? Would you like to borrow mine?
It's from The University of London not some 2 bob khazi situated somewhere in the ar$eole of Britain :s murf:

Yes. How ironic!

Indeed, I would like to borrow your degree. However, I was never considering going to a university near Birmingham. :confused:

[Brown, Jon Brow]

And now I have a negative rep! :bigcry:


OK Oily! You win this round :evil:

[oily oaf]

And now I have a negative rep! :bigcry:


OK Oily! You win this round :evil:

It wasn't me squire. I haven't given negative rep to a solitary soul in this forum mate.
I prefer to wait until I meet 'em face to face and then lay 'em out ;)

[Brown, Jon Brow]

Oh Oily!!

You are the living end!

[Ian McC]

You are the living end!


:s hock:

He is the Bringer Of Destruction??? :eek:

[Azumanga Davo]

I shall make my contribution to this, the 'This is Your Life' thread to Oilyver Oafington Esq.

Daresay when the mighty biro of the internet ruins his monitor screen with all sorts of weird and perverse subject matter (should've typed it out...) that he has to bring it to a new low of unimaginable crudeness that only a Cockney toolbox owner could have.

Still, got to laugh. :D Congrats on receiving the red book at last, Oily and I do hope to see you catch up to the username that I use now, rather than the previous one that only you still use through dogged determination to p :D ss me off. Or something like that... ;)

[walrus81]

the Pm i sent you wasnt abusive thats not in my style and if you had read it you would of seen that!!! :D

Listen Oaf you dont like me and i obviously dont like you so lets just leave it at that please! ;)
Beware, he has a ratchet and he's not afraid to use it.

[Ian McC]

Beware, he has a ratchet and he's not afraid to use it.


Yes but rumour has it it's a small one :uhoh:

[Gannex]

Beware, he has a ratchet and he's not afraid to use it.
But all oily's ratchets are Whitworth, and Hotbikerchic went metric thirty years ago, so she has nothing to fear. Wrong tools again!

[BeansBeansBeans]

Oily is great. He's funny, intelligent and human.

[Gannex]

Oily is great. He's funny, intelligent and human.
Funny, yes; intelligent, yes; human, NO. Not until we work on him for a while, as I suggested to you lazy uncaring lot a few posts ago. But do you care about oily's mental health? Do you hell. Only worried about your own bloody rep points and whether or not you're going to win this year's pickems competition. Meanwhile, oily's logical capacities slip below those of the average Tesco's cauliflower and no forumer gives a damn. . .

That's it. I'm turning in my username. You won't have Gannex to kick around any more. This place is just too uncaring and self-centred,

Oh why the hell do I bother . . .

I QUIT!!!!

[race aficionado]

That's it. I'm turning in my username. You won't have Gannex to kick around any more. This place is just too uncaring and self-centred,

Oh why the hell do I bother . . .

I QUIT!!!!
:up: Gannex
Now that's the way everybody should leave this joint when they are pissed off: with gusto and bravado and a flair of over the top latin soap opera dramatics.

Good one Gannex. It was fun knowing you and don't worry about Oily because you never had to worry abour him any way.

Enjoy your night off and see you tomorrow because face it, you are like all of us here, a forum junkee.


oK, I had my fix. Bye.

:s mokin:

[oily oaf]

I wonder if you would just bear with me for a brief moment while I thank those among you that have steadfastly stood shoulder to shoulder with me in my battle to deflect the slings and arrows that have been so erroneously and indeed heartlessly cast in my direction as I manfully attempt to convince a clearly sceptical forum that I am not some kind of swivel-eyed drooling nut job (gibber)
As for those contemptible curs that have levelled absurd accusations that I have mental health issues, be advised that I shall not rest until I have tracked you down and burned you face down in the comfort of your own homes :monkee:

PersonallyI think that the most astute and insightful critique of my psyche came one Friday afternoon sometime back when my good self and a few of my beloved work colleagues were cosily ensconced in the local drinker haveing a sherry or 2 and I began holding forth on a variety of topics including the neo socialist regime in contemporary Bolivia, the parlous state of West Ham United football team and whether it was acceptable in today's Britain to hold a young woman captive in the shed.
My guvnor, a cynical and battle scarred old engineer put down his pint, fixed me with a baleful stare and made the following quite remarkable and ultimately damning observation.
"Danny Boy (my nickname :( ) Your head is full of compressed crap and every time you open your mouth a load of it comes flying out"
He's a cruel man, but unerringly accurate.
He now works as chief psychologist at The Bethnal Green Seaman's Mission.

I should just like to close by paraphrasing and corrupting the wry quotation from author and American chappie Mark Twain by stating quite steadfastly that "Rumours of my descent into psychosis have been greatly exaggerated"

Blimey did you hear that shipping forecast last night? They're only predicting a deepening area of low pressure over Cromerty and Dogger with poor visibility and strengthening winds backing westerly from Fisher and German Bight!!!!!!!
The filthy swines. (lights pipe and shoos cat out of the room before lowering trousers) Unh! unh! unh! etc

[Ian McC]

Funny, yes; intelligent, yes; human, NO. Not until we work on him for a while, as I suggested to you lazy uncaring lot a few posts ago. But do you care about oily's mental health? Do you hell. Only worried about your own bloody rep points and whether or not you're going to win this year's pickems competition. Meanwhile, oily's logical capacities slip below those of the average Tesco's cauliflower and no forumer gives a damn. . .

That's it. I'm turning in my username. You won't have Gannex to kick around any more. This place is just too uncaring and self-centred,

Oh why the hell do I bother . . .

I QUIT!!!!

Oh nice try, you know you can't quit, it isn't allowed, your attempts to leave suggest an unbalance in your sanity, indeed we can help you with this, we have a small padded room waiting for you in the Oily Oaf Wing at Forum General :robo:

[raikk]

I wouldn't mind seeing Oily be a moderator... He would kick ass in a hilarious fashion! :D

[oily oaf]

Mind you don't end up in Oily's basement along with GG24 :eek:

I'm afraid the news on that front is a bit grim sheriff. In fact it's the worst possible :(
You see last evening I went out to the shed to give GG her customary nourishing Oatabix dinner before suspending her from the shed roof by her ankles for a little light flogging duty and discovered to my dismay that the lock on her box had been forced from the inside and that my beloved girl was somewhat conspicuous by her absence :confused:

As I cast my eyes around the shed feverishly I was greeted with a sight that shook me to the very core of my being and that will haunt me to the very grave itself.

Curled up in the corner, on top of a small pile of old Shipping Forecast Bugles and a number of my grandads hard core grumble mags was a shrivelled, almost mummified form curled in the foetal position and clearly not very well at all.

I rushed to her immediately but a cursory beating with a nearby lump hammer confirmed my worst fears. She was gone.

Of course I then did what any decent human being would do and fetched my Snap On roll cab from the lockup and performed a rudimentary autopsy using only a valve spring compressor and a hydraulic nut splitter to go about my grisly task :s nore:

My findings were stark and unbearably conclusive. My poor darling had clearly broken free from her restraints and gone over to the small safe where I store her Oatabix, cracked the combination and helped herself to the dry as dust comestibles within.
In short my friends she had consumed almost an entire 16th of an Oatabic without washing it down with the requisite 15 imperial gallons of milk as stipulated on the packet with the result that almost instantaneously her entire bodily fluids had been absorbed causing instant death from severe dehydration :s murf:

I fell to my knees in despair as grief took hold and wept like a small child.

Still mustn't grumble.

Could you all now join me in one last heartbreaking rendition of what shall forever be known as "Our Song"

Sung of course to the tune of "Knees Up Mother Brown. In your own time GO!

(dons cloth cap and hobnail boots and begins to pump knees up and down furiously)

Gee Gee Twenty Four
Please lie down on the floor
Off to the altar we must go
Ee aye ee aye ee aye o
If I catch you bending I'll photograph your bot
Knees up knees up
Oi mind me teacup
Please don't call the law
Oi!

Thanks for that guys.
It's what she would have wanted.

As for me I feel as if a yawning chasm has opened in my chest that can never be healed
I mean you know yourselves that life is just not worth living without a cowed and undernourished bondage slave locked in your shed.
I don't know how I'm going to go on to be honest my friends.

(lights pipe, leaps from bedroom window onto waiting horse and gallops furiously up the M1 towards house of Hotbikerchic)

[Eki]

Run, Hotbikerchic, run!

[dyfi1]

Run, Hotbikerchic, run!

..... aye, to the kitchen and finnish the washing up, there`s a good girl. :D

[CarlMetro]

I am astounded that the mental capacity of one such as our esteamed Oaf has been brought into question.

Surely we must realise that the displays we have witnessed in recent years is perfectly normal behaviour for a West Ham fan. The many years of turmoil, not knowing which division your beloved footie team will be playing in next season, coupled with not knowing how many weeks your next manager will stay for would be enough to turn your average Chelski supporter into a raving loon.

Not that I'm saying he's a loon..............I wouldn't dare for fear of reprisals in the form of a well-aimed ring(oo err misses) spanner :)

[oily oaf]

I am astounded that the mental capacity of one such as our esteamed Oaf has been brought into question.

Surely we must realise that the displays we have witnessed in recent years is perfectly normal behaviour for a West Ham fan. The many years of turmoil, not knowing which division your beloved footie team will be playing in next season, coupled with not knowing how many weeks your next manager will stay for would be enough to turn your average Chelski supporter into a raving loon.

Not that I'm saying he's a loon..............I wouldn't dare for fear of reprisals in the form of a well-aimed ring(oo err misses) spanner :)

(doubles up in pain as clearly illegal underhand low blow sinks into lower abdomen)

You can be inordinately cruel sometimes Carl :bigcry:

Come the day of reckoning on April 14 you will live to regret those fine words my friend when The Spuds will be crushed and broken under the speeding wheels of the soccer Ferrari that is East London's Finest at the hallowed temple of footballing excellence that is The Boleyn Ground :D

(throws dart at picture of Jimmy Greaves)

[Hotbikerchic33]

Run, Hotbikerchic, run!

Aint running anywhere!! :D :p ;)

[Hotbikerchic33]

..... aye, to the kitchen and finnish the washing up, there`s a good girl. :D

what and do the dish washer out of a job i dont think so!! :D
plus you dont get rid of me that easily!! :p :) ;)

[Ian McC]

Run, Hotbikerchic, run!


I thought Daniel was next on the list, quickly followed by Gannex :D

[raikk]

No body likes my idea of Oily being a mod? ..No one?... Guuyysss! :(

[oily oaf]

No body likes my idea of Oily being a mod? ..No one?... Guuyysss! :(

Leave it out Raikky baby
I'd rather have my intimate body hair trimmed by a psychopathic axe murderer armed with only a pair of sheep shears and suffering from a bad case of Parkinson's disease.

Anyway it might cause a conflict of interest as I am currently a mobile moderator for Westhamonline a very unofficial football website where my duties include tracking down members who have failed to use the designated amount of foul and abusive language or whose personal threats of violence are not quite up to scratch and then giving them a good shoeing round the back of the pub :arrows:

[Hotbikerchic33]

No body likes my idea of Oily being a mod? ..No one?... Guuyysss! :(

No its a crap idea! :D

[donKey jote]

He said Guuyysss ! :D
:dozey:

[raikk]

He said Guuyysss ! :D
:dozey:

bahaha I get it! :D
And I knew Hotbikerchic33 wouldn't like the idea anyways...

[Gannex]

. . . at the hallowed temple of footballing excrement that is The Boleyn Ground
oily! That's no way to talk about Upton Park!

[oily oaf]

oily! That's no way to talk about Upton Park!

Things become a bit fraught and tempers flare as prisoner 198745556 Oaf and his discredited crooked lawyer Gannex are taken under armed guard to "The Windsor Hotel" to serve their time

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1835990

[Daniel]

Things become a bit fraught and tempers flare as prisoner 198745556 Oaf and his discredited crooked lawyer Gannex are taken under armed guard to "The Windsor Hotel" to serve their time

www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1835990 (http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1835990)

:rotflmao:

[Ian McC]

Things become a bit fraught and tempers flare as prisoner 198745556 Oaf and his discredited crooked lawyer Gannex are taken under armed guard to "The Windsor Hotel" to serve their time

Rumour has it that Fox and CBS have entered a bidding war for the TV rights.

[Captain VXR]

Oily's minions were assaulted yesterday (http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index.php?module=see&l=uk&code=068bc805479b9b48709d99ca6efbfb5d)

[Hazell B]

Rumour has it that Fox and CBS have entered a bidding war for the TV rights.

Perhaps, but the smart money says a porn channel will be screening it ;)