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steve_spackman
4th January 2009, 01:02
please note this is for FUN..not to be taking seriously...


To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you British, french and German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


Contact Details

Website: http://www.fco.gov.uk (http://www.fco.gov.uk/)
Office: Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Location: King James Street (http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=King+James+Street%2C+London%2C+United+Kingdom)
London, United Kingdom

steve_spackman
4th January 2009, 01:11
please note this is for FUN..not to be taking seriously...

veeten
4th January 2009, 01:32
bugger off. :p :

Easy Drifter
4th January 2009, 04:47
Hey, we Canucks whupped the Americans in the war of 1812, with a teeny bit of aid from the UK. We demand complete control of the former US, excluding Texas and Illinois. You can have them. :rotflmao: :love:

ShiftingGears
4th January 2009, 05:11
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.


What is this disgusting concept?

Hondo
4th January 2009, 05:23
When did Japan become part of North America?

yodasarmpit
4th January 2009, 05:25
Wait a minute, after 8 years of electing an idiot, they came to their senses and voted someone that at least appears to be capable of the job.

Now we just need to do the same.

Tazio
4th January 2009, 14:14
please note this is for FUN..not to be taking seriously...


To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
If GB is feeling frogy, then Jump :p :
In the interim I suggest you stick to resolving
the mess in your own house! :dozey:

Eki
4th January 2009, 15:05
Hey, we Canucks whupped the Americans in the war of 1812, with a teeny bit of aid from the UK. We demand complete control of the former US, excluding Texas and Illinois. You can have them. :rotflmao: :love:
Can fousto have Arizona, if he builds a fence around it?

anthonyvop
4th January 2009, 17:28
Wait a minute, after 8 years of electing an idiot, they came to their senses and voted someone that at least appears to be capable of the job.

Now we just need to do the same.
You post is 8 years too old.

Roamy
4th January 2009, 19:39
Can fousto have Arizona, if he builds a fence around it?
Actually it is not a question of "Having" I am "taking" and that would include New Mexico as well so I have complete control of the Labs. All Muslims and fat white women will be immediately relocated to Iowa. All major roads in and out will be capped. Flights will only operate to and from Florida which is controlled by Anthony!! All of those with "fence building" experience are encouraged to apply for citizenship. Have a nice life

Drew
4th January 2009, 19:54
There is a responce to this by the Americans, which I'm surprised hasn't been digged up :p :

Hondo
4th January 2009, 20:25
I like the idea. We'll reimburse you the tax revenues from 1776 and you can reimburse us for healthcare costs and research since 1776. Our women will enjoy rugby (or football, as you call it) and cricket. After all, any game played in shorts is a woman's game. There are womens tennis leagues, golf leagues, basketball leagues, and soccer leagues, but there are no women's American style football leagues. Our joint unemployment problems should vanish when the government starts hiring people to put cameras on all our streets and intersections. Better bring a lot of money and cameras, we have lots of intersections. Our welfare receipients will welcome a government that will not only fill their outstreched hand, but is happy to fill the other hand too.

I thought about hauling a$$ to New Mexico (beautiful state) and hanging out with fousto but now I think I'll stay in the New UK. I've been eyeing a nice, 5 bedroom, 3 bath, soon to be a "council house" that will be perfect for me and Sweetie to lay up in.

God save the queen!

P.S. -Bring some police with you also. The ones that are here now aren't going to be very keen about working unarmed.

Jag_Warrior
4th January 2009, 20:44
You post is 8 years too old.

Yeah, that's what I thought when I pulled the lever for ol' G.W.B. back in 2000 too.

Boy did that ever turn out to be the worst vote that I have ever cast. When it was finally decided, I was at a party where we sang "Happy Days Are Here Again". Now that same group, if we could even afford to throw another party, would be singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?".

Hey world, forgive us already. We're sorry! OK? Duhbya and the neocons have hosed us a lot worse than he did the rest of the world (unless you live in Iraq). So give us a break.

jso1985
4th January 2009, 20:46
It always makes me laugh how every country claims to have the "real" beer and others juts have "lager" :laugh:

Easy Drifter
4th January 2009, 21:10
Hey don't forget Canda is claiming most of the US and our cops are armed. Plus they have those pretty red coats! :D

Eki
4th January 2009, 21:17
Plus they have those pretty red coats! :D
And horses.

steve_spackman
4th January 2009, 21:46
I like the idea. We'll reimburse you the tax revenues from 1776 and you can reimburse us for healthcare costs and research since 1776. Our women will enjoy rugby (or football, as you call it) and cricket. After all, any game played in shorts is a woman's game. There are womens tennis leagues, golf leagues, basketball leagues, and soccer leagues, but there are no women's American style football leagues. Our joint unemployment problems should vanish when the government starts hiring people to put cameras on all our streets and intersections. Better bring a lot of money and cameras, we have lots of intersections. Our welfare receipients will welcome a government that will not only fill their outstreched hand, but is happy to fill the other hand too.

I thought about hauling a$$ to New Mexico (beautiful state) and hanging out with fousto but now I think I'll stay in the New UK. I've been eyeing a nice, 5 bedroom, 3 bath, soon to be a "council house" that will be perfect for me and Sweetie to lay up in.

God save the queen!

P.S. -Bring some police with you also. The ones that are here now aren't going to be very keen about working unarmed.

well we do have armed police so thats not a issue..we just dont go around trigger happy looking for people to shoot. ha ha

Hondo
4th January 2009, 22:43
Hey don't forget Canda is claiming most of the US and our cops are armed. Plus they have those pretty red coats! :D


By all means, bring them! I worked with a RCMP dog handler once. Cool guy, great dog!

Hondo
4th January 2009, 22:44
And horses.

Horses are always welcome!

Hondo
4th January 2009, 22:45
well we do have armed police so thats not a issue..we just dont go around trigger happy looking for people to shoot. ha ha


We don't go around looking for them either, they just sorta jump out at ya kinda sudden like.

ShiftingGears
5th January 2009, 02:35
What is this disgusting concept?

Come on, fess up guys.

Mark in Oshawa
5th January 2009, 04:29
I am of the opinion that the Americans might just go for having the UK impose a socialist health care state on em. God knows they are always telling me how wonderful I have it. I don't tell them that we stand in line for stuff they get right away in health care.

I don't know if they would go for it. I do know that us Canadians want the Carolina's as reparations for all the crap we have had to put up with from em all those years. We will look after the NASCAR legacy and golf in Myrtle Beach all winter.....

markabilly
5th January 2009, 05:55
And all this time I thought the brits hated those yanks due to WWII, after all their women were screwed by those GI and discovered what a "real man" felt like :eek: !!!

Gives me very warm fuuzzes wuzzies to know that we are so wanted by those Brits, once again.....their young women are all excited and must be having dreams of wanting to feel some "real men" :eek: again....must have been taliking to their grandmas and listening to the stories about the good old days when the real men paid them some attention..........

donKey jote
5th January 2009, 16:55
Yeeeees, I saw some of those american "real men" on the last episode of Little Britain in America :laugh:

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=7q4VFoAvUSI

Rollo
6th January 2009, 00:08
I like the idea. We'll reimburse you the tax revenues from 1776 and you can reimburse us for healthcare costs and research since 1776.

Perhaps, you'd like to reconsider that? The most important medicine of all time was discovered by an Australian in London. I think that if you looked at the net benefits in healthcae costs then the USA owes both Britain and Australia zillions.

But considering that a) you don't have a decent healthcare system b) you can't afford one anyway, I think that we should send aid to America.

Roamy
6th January 2009, 03:38
Perhaps, you'd like to reconsider that? The most important medicine of all time was discovered by an Australian in London. I think that if you looked at the net benefits in healthcae costs then the USA owes both Britain and Australia zillions.

But considering that a) you don't have a decent healthcare system b) you can't afford one anyway, I think that we should send aid to America.

Zillions - well fuch you then we will just bomb you (:

Mark in Oshawa
6th January 2009, 06:23
I am just glad we Canuck's are staying out of this silliness....