A Whole New World

[DonnieDarco]

I happened to come across an item today about the new album entitled A Whole New World, by Katie Price and Peter Andre. It appears some rather startling reviews have been written about it on amazon, which they have been finding hilarious.

On reading them, it occurs to me to wonder whether or not our very own Oily Oaf has yet had a chance to listen to the album, and favour the world with his take on it :D

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/customer-reviews/B000JU8FXK/ref=cm_rev_prev/203-8981602-6807901?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort%5Fby=-SubmissionDate&n=229816&s=music&customer-reviews.start=1

[harsha]

i'd rather listen to a Brave New World by Iron Maiden mind :p :

[jim mcglinchey]

Ha ha, so thats what he did over the christmas hols.

[DonnieDarco]

I particularly like this review:

Oh. My. God. Have I just heard the best album in the world? I think I have. Here's a track by track breakdown...

1. A Whole New World - This is a Disney favourite from Beauty and the Beast. In the duet Pete sings Beauty's part with a nutless falsetto that will leave you gasping for air. Jordan, with her jutting underbite, takes the Beast's part and makes it her own. She really gets her teeth into it. Definitely. It's worth getting the album just to hear Jordan get her teeth into the Beast's part.

2. The Best Things In Life Are Free - This is the Monkees' classic that Peter and Andre grab by the throat and sing into oblivion. Jordan's good, too. He does the choreography on this one, and it shows! Stunning!

3. Endless Love - Bette Midler classic. Apparently Bette didn't want anyone covering this track but when she heard Jordan's last single she wept... salt tears... and she gave the song to them to do with as they will. Bette also promised never to sing again as long as Katie and Pete are alive. So. Result.

4. Islands In The Stream - The Sheppey/Canvey Anthem. Close your eyes and you could be standing outside Stars niteclub on a Saturday night with a used condom in your pocket and a brown ale bottle hanging out of your throat. Waiting for your boyfriend.

5. Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You - And don't they just! The Jordan's give full vent to their legendary romance in this number. It throbs! Apparently every morning, when his minders wake him and escort him to Jordan's mansion from his quarters, Peter waves at Katie and blows her a kiss. Jordan lets him do this. Now, THAT's love.

6. Cherish - Most people think this number was written by Hank Williams but, actually, it was penned by Rat Scabies of the Damned, and it's none the worse for it. A pounding backbeat propels the plaintive cry of the lovestruck couple into an orgiastic maelstrom of confused lust. Put on extra lipgloss for this one. I know I do.

7. The Two Of Us - Kool and the Gang sung this originally, but it was rank. This is the definitive version with Peter on sitar and Katie on bagpipes, blowing her empty little head off.

8. I Come Down - When Pete first got diagnosed with this unusual complaint he was devastated, props to him for going public with it, I say. Apparently when Katie allows him into her compound for fertilisation purposes it's like a pillow fight in a henhouse.

9. Don't Go Breaking My Heart - This is a brand new number written by Katie. She wrote it herself. On the fridge. With magnetic letters. The original fridge is now in the British Museum. It's a national treasure.

10. To Die For - Peter wanted at least one song on the album that reminded him of his childhood in Chernobyl, and this is it. You don't hear the balalaika nearly enough on records nowadays, in my humble op. The zither ensemble and the choir of specially blinded orphans is the cherry on the cake.

11. I've Had The Time Of My Life - This should've been the new Bond song but it wasn't any good so they put it on the end of the album. You'll love it, though. It's gritty and real. And two minutes twelve seconds long.

12. Lullaby - This is the song that Pete and Katie sing their kids at home. It's a masterpiece. Recorded at their home you can hear Hollyoaks on the telly in the background with Pete messing around with his decks while Katie repeatedly shouts, "GO TO SLEEP! DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!"

This album rocks. You don't deserve it.

:laugh:

[Ian McC]

:laugh:

Very funny, I'm off to look for 'Hasselhoff Sings America' :D

[LeonBrooke]

Uh, wow. I shudder to think what it's really like... :s

At first I thought this thread might be about alternate universes...

[Daniel]

Someone forgot to mention that all the profits go to charity :)

I frankly couldn't give two hoots who is singing. If Hitler and Saddam want to get together and make a Disney album and give all the profits to charity then I've no problem with it :)

They were on Radio 2 a few months ago together and they strangely enough seem quite genuine :crazy:

[CarlMetro]

i'd rather listen to a Brave New World by Iron Maiden mind :p :

I'd rather listen to fingernails being scraped on a blackboard.

I couldn't give to monkies whether the profits are going to charity or not, the only real reason they did it was for the publicity they got from it. Everyone now thinks they're wonderful people, perhaps they should be made saints :rolleyes:

[DonnieDarco]

:laugh:

Very funny, I'm off to look for 'Hasselhoff Sings America' :D

Let us know what you think, and if it cured you of any ailments ;) :D

[oily oaf]

Tragically Donnie I haven't yet had a chance to treat my lugoles to this phonographic delight.
Mrs Oaf has purchased the singing compact disc and indeed offered me the opportunity to bask in it's melodic glory last Tuesday but I spurned the chance and chose instead to pluck out my pubic hair with a pair of electrified circlip pliers.

However I am given to understand that it has been extremely well received in the music press. Here are just a smattering of the glowing reviews that have been showered onto the golden couple......... and Peter.

"Jesus H Christ! What a bleedin' racket" - George Melly Sunday Times Music Review

"Burn them! Burn 'em face down in their luxury pink palace" - Dame Thora Hird. Rheumatism and Arthritis News.

"An absolute triumph! A tour de force of melodic mastery" - Billy Mutt. Deaf And Stupid Monthly

"Christ look at the lungs on that!" - Drum Major Albie Cumblast. The Salvation Army Warcry

"If you ask me that Peter Andre has got some darkie blood in 'im. I mean you've only got to look at their bleedin saucepan lid to see that aint ya?"
They come over 'ere, take all our jobs :mad: - Jade Goody. Popular Stormtrooper

"Too bleedin' right Jade. I fink we should send 'em all back 'ome if u ask me. " - Jo O Meira. Square Faced Tugboat Blare

"I'm afraid I deed not 'ear it" - Arsene Wenger. Big Nose Bugle

"Powerful as a nuclearera exploshun" - George Dubya Bush. My First Colouring Book.

"Whatever George just said" - T Blair. Poodle Parlour Clarion

So there you have it. A small cross section of diverse critique there.
As for me I think it'll give it a listen this evening. On the other hand I may opt to stick red hot darning needles into my scrotum.
It's a toughie aint it :s mokin:

[Dave B]

There was a clip going round the Yousual sites of the gruesome twosome screeching that song, but I'm too scared to search in case I find it.

They're made for each other, Katie and Peter. More plastic than Barbie, more tone deaf then even Atomic Kitten, more pointless than broken pencil, more irritating than thrush.

[DonnieDarco]

Another review:

What a wonderful experience. It reminded me of that time I was walking along a running stream in a wooded glade when I spotted the water turning a pale shade of red. This I attributed to the cherry blossom that was overhanging the water's edge dropping into and colouring the water but upon further inspection I discovered a number of floating, disgorged sheep, guts and entrails spewing out and blood trailing along in swirls behind each carcass. I shall always treasure that moment as I shall this album.

:laugh:

[Ian McC]

Let us know what you think, and if it cured you of any ailments ;) :D

:s hock:

I have ailments?

Have the test results come back from the clinic?

[LotusElise]

Just out of interest, did anyone here write any of those reviews? Anybody, anybody, Oily?