[O/T] Joke Thread [Archive] - Motorsport Forums

BobGarage

16th January 2007, 10:32

Some Practical Advice For Safe & Healthy Living In 2007

1. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
2. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
3. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
4. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
7. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
8. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
9. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
10. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
11. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
12. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
13. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
14. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
15. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
16. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
17. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
18. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
19. DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
20. On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

BobGarage

16th January 2007, 10:34

One morning last week Billy was at school and the teacher asked all the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
out -fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but
Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about His father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his Clothes
in front of other men and gives them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is
really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and sleep
with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays
Cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

BobGarage

16th January 2007, 10:34

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and blustery day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. Oh my God, Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get into my car to go home."

Then a third runner cast her eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining".

BobGarage

16th January 2007, 10:35

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, says: "Please can you give me a Push?"

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!!!

BobGarage

16th January 2007, 10:37

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

BobGarage

17th January 2007, 11:51

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice."

BobGarage

21st January 2007, 14:09

WARNING, NEW SCAM!

Be aware of this. I had a lucky escape.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked Me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky

BobGarage

21st January 2007, 14:09

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use.

Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

BobGarage

21st January 2007, 14:10

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s - 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 60, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

BobGarage

21st January 2007, 14:11

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math’s teacher."

BobGarage

26th January 2007, 13:46

Survival exercise

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls...

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

71minus2

28th January 2007, 00:20

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully
at home. He was 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

71minus2

28th January 2007, 00:24

The hunchback is running along the street being chased by a bunch of children.
He stops, turns and shouts, "Will you all get lost, I haven't got your ball!"

BobGarage

29th January 2007, 11:57

BA Strikes Again

http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/426/bastrikesbd6.jpg

BobGarage

29th January 2007, 12:11

A LOVE STORY

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before
the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A
can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she
replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were
in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

BobGarage

31st January 2007, 16:39

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex,"

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

BobGarage

31st January 2007, 16:40

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

BobGarage

31st January 2007, 16:41

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

"HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"

BobGarage

2nd February 2007, 10:23

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely
filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom
shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and
huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found
it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a
collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually
is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses
him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things
she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls
over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The
guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says.............
........

.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

BobGarage

5th February 2007, 14:15

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken *******, you're ****ting the bed!

BobGarage

5th February 2007, 14:19

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein.
But my friends call me Bubba."

BobGarage

5th February 2007, 15:01

its an old one, but its still funny....

Mate Match Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventurous than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?
Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

BobGarage

7th February 2007, 13:49

not exactly a joke but funny none the less...

new life on mars tv add... camberwick green...

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/cult/a41914/in-video-life-on-mars-returns-to-bbc-one.html

BobGarage

7th February 2007, 17:23

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his Doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Australia .

Dave17

14th February 2007, 19:59

Copied from Ten Tenths......

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

BobGarage

22nd February 2007, 12:42

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

BobGarage

8th March 2007, 10:59

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch.......

BobGarage

8th March 2007, 11:04

This is so touching....you won't be able to contain your tears...............

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and
inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the
elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing. The la rge bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe
summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

BobGarage

8th March 2007, 13:08

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

" Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

R3ROK

8th March 2007, 16:02

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

BobGarage

14th March 2007, 10:55

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Tiesse

15th March 2007, 17:43

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

BobGarage

16th March 2007, 11:13

Who'd be a Commentator ?

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New ZealandRugbyCommentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxfordcrew."

5. USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They seem
cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

BobGarage

16th March 2007, 11:15

Ianto Jones the farmer,and his wife Megan,were leaning against the edge of
their pig pen when Megan recalled that next week would mark their golden
wedding anniversary.
'lets have a party,ianto,' she suggested. 'lets kill a pig.'
Ianto scratched his grizzled head. 'Megan' he answered, 'i do;nt see why
the pig should be blamed for something that happened 50 years ago.'

Tiesse

16th March 2007, 18:15

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a WOMAN in a brand new Ford Focus doing 100 mph, with her face up against the rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!!

I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the McMuffin out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone, which fell away from my ear into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!

Sticker Rub

16th March 2007, 19:40

This has all the hallmarks of an urban myth but it's still worth a read

For those who have suffered at the hands of UK banks

Give this lady 3 cheers

A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS...........

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandate details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to Nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated Answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client.

Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!???

BobGarage

27th March 2007, 11:06

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I
was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep
up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

tambow21

27th March 2007, 15:06

Italian guy-
When i finish making alove to my girlafriend i go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy!

French guy-
Zat is nothing, when i finish with ze girl ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick ze soles of ze feet. She floats ten inches above ze bed in ecstasy.

Scotsman-
When im finished ridin' ma burd a wipe ma boabbie oan the sheets and she hits the ****in roof!

Tser

27th March 2007, 17:35

Sticker Rub

27th March 2007, 19:25

Yeah right, a 98 year old with a mortgage and a loan.

Hence the urban myth comment

BobGarage

28th March 2007, 11:23

Out of the mouths of babies....!

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat,
but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her
pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'
and it didn't move"

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of
water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when
he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy,will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for
the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as
she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very
pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in
her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teachingthem to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, butmother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and
play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart,
you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

BobGarage

28th March 2007, 11:25

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150? The robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot asks ... real slowly... "So ...... ya gonna ... vote for ...Bush again?

BobGarage

28th March 2007, 11:26

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher". I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." What skill?" yelled Paddy."

I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

BobGarage

30th March 2007, 19:11

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company
very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place,
where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session
in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and
snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly
stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready
for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and
I miss the days when I had mine."

BobGarage

3rd April 2007, 23:47

Horny Wife
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!"

BobGarage

3rd April 2007, 23:48

it has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = Poo

WINE = HEALTH

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service!!!

BobGarage

3rd April 2007, 23:49

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget !

SteveA

5th April 2007, 11:21

Can you spot the hidden Easter Bunny...

http://v8.macmillan.co.uk/s_images/special/SpotTheHiddenEasterBunny.jpg

Abo

19th April 2007, 10:50

Police forced entry:

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/99502/Police_Use_Too_Much_Explosives.html

71minus2

19th April 2007, 22:42

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk

genius at work!

This guy should do UK TV commercials.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:08

Paddy walks past a new pub and sees a sign in the window.
Pies 50p
W*nks £1.00

He couldn't believe his luck, so he goes in and sees a stunning blonde barmaid.
"Are you the one that gives the W*nks?" he asks.
"Yes" She replies.
"Well wash your hands, I want a pie!"

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:09

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church.
Mick says "**** there's a bloke here who was 152"
Paddy says "Whats his name?"
Mick answers "Miles from London"

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:09

How Many Animals Can You Fit In A Pair Of Tights?

2 Calves
1 Beaver
1 Ass
1 Pussy
Countless Hares
The Occassional Cock
and a dead fish nobody can find!

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:10

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:11

Cricket Jokes

Pakistan have now given up cricket after going out of the world cup...
They've now taken up bob-slaying instead

Pakistan have chosen a new cricket coach - Gladstone Small. Try strangling him!

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:11

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:12

New Machine at Tesco

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My
elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get
Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in Two
weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new Technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and "pleasured
himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction and awaited the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your Elbow will never get
better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:13

Mummy Mummy Can I lick the bowl? No you horrible ******* pull the chain like a normal person.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:13

A pregnant woman was walking down the road, past a bank, when a bank robber burst out. Terrified, he shot the woman three times in the stomach. As she was recovering in hospital, she gave birth to three boys.

10 years later, one of the boys ran up to his mum and said "Mummy mummy! I just pi$$ed out a bullet." "Oh" she said

5 minutes later, another of her boys came up to her and said "Mummy mummy! I just pi$$ed out a bullet!" "Oh" she said, getting slightly worried.

Another 5 minutes later, the other boy came up and said "Mummy mummy!" She interrupted and said, "Let me guess, you just pi$$ed out a bullet." "No, I was having a w@nk and I shot the cat!"

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:14

What did the KGB have in common with oral sex?
One slip of the tongue and you're in the $hit.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:14

A Teacher is reading a story to her class of infants, when she notices a wet patch all around a little girl.
Teacher: Oh! Katie, why didn't you put your hand up?
Katie: I did Miss! But it trickled through my fingers.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:15

How do stop a randy dog humping your leg?

Suck it's c*ck.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:15

How do you get one old women to shout c*nt?

Get another to shout bingo first.

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:16

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Cos he kneaded a poo

BobGarage

19th April 2007, 23:17

Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make!!!

BobGarage

20th April 2007, 11:11

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Abo

25th April 2007, 11:40

NASCAR drive thru

http://www.cockeyed.com/pranks/drivethru/drivethru01.shtml

BobGarage

25th April 2007, 12:50

The ASDA Diet

I was in ASDA the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog, and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she totally believed it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my bum when a car hit me".

BobGarage

25th April 2007, 12:51

Men have better friends
Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

BobGarage

25th April 2007, 12:53

iBreast

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

BobGarage

26th April 2007, 12:38

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says
"Do you want Magic Sex?"
"Whats that?" she replies
He says "We go back to my house and f**k......then you disappear!"

BobGarage

26th April 2007, 12:39

"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the doctor told his patient,
"Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned fellow says "no"
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?" askes the Doctor
"I don't work" replies the patient
"Well what do you do all day?" says the Dr
....<wait for it>....

"I watch porn and eat Wotsits!"

BobGarage

26th April 2007, 12:39

Chinese man rings his boss
"Me no work. I sick"
Boss says "When I'm sick I f**k my wife, try that"

Two hours later the chinese man rings back:
"Me better now, you have a nice house!"

BobGarage

26th April 2007, 12:40

An Irish woman has been chucked off "Who Wants To Be A Millionare" for masturbating, apparently she didn't fully understand the Fastest Finger First bit!

dah

28th April 2007, 11:53

what have manchester united and a three pin plug got in common ?
they are both useless in europe

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:01

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:02

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:03

A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of
pain coming from inside. She asks St Peter what it is, he says "thats the sound of the angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and their heads for halos". She says "I think I would rather go to hell". St Peter replies "in hell you will be raped and buggered". She says "yeh but I already got holes for that!".

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:04

Two priests go for a shower one night. They are naked before they realise they
havent got any soap. Father John goes to his room to get some, not bothering to
get dressed. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the
showers. Halfway down the hall 3 nuns head his way. He pretends to be a
statue! Nuns comment on how life like he looks. First nun pulls his manhood.
Startled he drops a bar of soap. "Oh its a soap dispenser!" Second nun does
the same and he drops the second bar. Third nun keeps tugging "sweet Jesus!
Hand lotion as well!"

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:05

Prof of maths sends his wife a text. "Dear wife u r 54 yrs old u no longer
satisfy my needs. When u get this text I will b at motel wiv my 18yr old
assistant. I am sorry! I will b home late!" Wife sends reply "Dear husband u
r also 54 yrs old and by the time u get this i will also b at motel with 18yr
pool boy. U r a brill mathematician so u will know that 18 goes into 54 a lot
more than 54 into 18, so dont wait up!"

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:07

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his
days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick English
accent)

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very
strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our
bombers when suddenly, out of the clouds,
these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and one fokker was right above me. I aimed at him and shot him
down. They were swarming. I immediately realised that there was another fokker
behind me." (At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and
boys start to laugh.)

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was
the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:08

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and
relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:27

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:32

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach , Florida . She looked up and noticed

that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the

most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:34

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"

Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I
just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece
and made a huge profit"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead
was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his
£2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he
thought I was a great guy."

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and
no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British
voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them
thought he was a great guy.

Enjoy your 2p tax cut!

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:37

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another
woman."The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"The
Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed Together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said
his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the
poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed
the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the
same as putting it in!"

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:39

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

"Tray-up, Bitch."

BobGarage

30th April 2007, 12:40

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I
noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

JDPower

30th April 2007, 19:46

Someone put this thread out of its misery, the jokes are older than I am.

BobGarage

3rd May 2007, 12:40

One for the ladies.......

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed

P....

E....

N....

I....

S....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

BobGarage

3rd May 2007, 12:42

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

BobGarage

3rd May 2007, 12:44

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm,

his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does His chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and

his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon

for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

BobGarage

3rd May 2007, 12:45

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Evans and that he's somewhere in Wales. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Wales and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the barman, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Evans."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Evans. There's Evans the Baker, who runs the bakers shop on the next block. There's Evans the Banker, who's manager of our local bank. There's Evans the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Evans, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the barman, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Evans the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left."

BobGarage

8th May 2007, 19:41

Two queers, one dies. His partner asks for his body to be made into a curry! When asked why he replied – I just want to feel him dribble out of my arse one more time.

BobGarage

16th May 2007, 12:26

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night and we went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

BobGarage

16th May 2007, 17:40

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.

Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first "No More Nails Bomb"

BobGarage

16th May 2007, 17:40

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks,
"What happened?" His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.